DEAR ABBY: My wife, "Jan," is having problems related to my late wife, "Ellen." Ellen and I were married 31 years. We built a business together and raised three sons. Obviously, I have a lifetime of memories associated with her. I admit that I still grieve, but I have tried to move on.

I am forbidden to mention Ellen's name around Jan. She says five years should be long enough to "forget." When we married two years ago, she moved into my home because it was bigger and closer to my business than hers. Jan now says she has no "place" in this house, although we moved most of her furniture in and sold mine.

Abby, Jan won't let me have a photo of Ellen, even in a drawer. I had to buy her a second piano because she refused to play the one that Ellen had played on, nor will she consider a certain make of car to replace hers because Ellen drove one.

She says she feels like "the other woman" in our marriage. It's not a threesome, and I'm not trying to mold her into my first wife. Did I make a mistake marrying just three years after my wife died? Am I inconsiderate of Jan's feelings, or is she being unreasonable? -- REMARRIED TEXAN

DEAR TEXAN: It's not unusual for a second wife who moves into an existing home to want to "sterilize" the interior so she can make it her own. However, I agree that Jan's reaction is extreme. Obviously, you married a woman with serious insecurities. Her insistence that the name of the mother of your children not be mentioned, or a photo of her kept -- even in a drawer -- is unrealistic and heavy-handed.

If you made a "mistake" it may have been in marrying while you were still grieving. Because you and Jan are at odds, I strongly advise scheduling some sessions with a marriage counselor.

DEAR ABBY: I was laid off recently and my husband does not make much money. We have lived within our means, but due to a recent rash of bad luck, necessary home repairs, kids' braces and medical bills, I don't know what to do.

My parents are not helping us in this time of need, and I am becoming resentful. They are elderly and we are always helping them -- cutting grass, painting, driving them to family get-togethers and doctor's appointments. These are things they would have to pay someone else for, but we do for free.

I want to say, "I need your help now, not an inheritance down the road." I have no siblings nearby and I know my parents' care will eventually fall to me, putting even more stress on my situation. Am I wrong to feel resentful, knowing they can afford to help us out but don't? -- DUTIFUL DAUGHTER IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR DUTIFUL DAUGHTER: Before you allow your resentment to build any further, have a talk with your parents. Have you asked them for help and been refused? Do you know all the details of their finances, and whether their savings are earning enough for them to live and still give you the help you're looking for? If you haven't already done so, start a dialogue with them -- without a chip on your shoulder or expectations about what they "should" do.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm a teen mom who feels like I am being taken advantage of by my newborn's grandmother. (I'll call her "Liz.") My baby's father, "Todd," lives with her. They provide no financial support.

Liz puts me on the spot constantly and makes me feel bad if I tell her she can't have the baby that day or take her to a certain place. Since day one, she has wanted to take my baby out of town. That bothers me because I don't want my daughter going out of town unless I am with her.

I feel obligated to let Todd's mother see the baby all the time to avoid the drama she would cause in my life if I don't. I don't want to be mean, but I need to let her know how I feel. How do I approach her? -- YOUNG MOM IN RICHMOND, IND.

DEAR YOUNG MOM: No one can be taken advantage of unless she (or he) allows it. Do not allow anyone -- no matter how well-intentioned -- to do anything with your baby that makes you uncomfortable. You may be young, but as a mother you are responsible for your child's welfare.

Do not "approach" Liz; let her approach you. When she does, be polite, firm and stand your ground. If she tries to turn it into a power struggle, end the conversation. Do not allow her to make you lose your temper.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend of four years, "Omar," and I have been having major arguments lately. They're about the relationship he has with his sister. I feel he confides in her more than he does me.

I realize she's his sister, but he consults her about finances, what kind of pet to buy, how things are going at work, etc. He's never open with me about those issues. He shuts me out to the point that I have told him if it doesn't change, we're through. He says I'm "overreacting."

Even more peculiar, she makes phone calls for Omar -- like when his mortgage payment was late or when he had to ask the IRS a tax question. Omar is 34 and should be handling these things himself.

It galls me when he puts her on a pedestal and puts me down when I make a mistake. I'm a single mom, doing well on my own, but he refuses to acknowledge it. What should I do? -- SECOND FIDDLE IN ARIZONA

DEAR SECOND FIDDLE: It is possible that Omar's sister has been running his life for so long that she's the first person he thinks of when he gets into a bind. And obviously she has done a capable job of it, or he wouldn't keep having her intercede for him.

It should be clear to you by now that putting yourself in competition with her is getting you nowhere. So accept the two of them as a package deal or find a man who is independent.

DEAR ABBY: I am 21 and recently became engaged to my boyfriend of three years. We are trying to pull off a wedding on a budget. My parents dislike my fiance, so we are footing the bill.

My fiance's mom owns a beauty salon and, in the past, has offered to cut and highlight my hair. I have accepted twice in the last two years. She also fixed my hair for my university mixer. Would it be appropriate to ask her, as the mother of the groom, to fix my hair on my wedding day? -- BUDGETING IN FAIRFAX, VA.

DEAR BUDGETING: I see nothing inappropriate about it. Go ahead and ask.

DEAR ABBY: My father is having an affair -- another one. It is not the first time I have found evidence of it. I was using his computer to work on my grandmother's memorial and an IM popped up from a woman telling him to meet her at a family event my mother was not supposed to attend. Her message to Dad was extremely sexual and very upsetting.

The "other woman" is an old high school friend of my parents' and a friend of the family. I have confronted my father in the past, even threatened to end my relationship with him if it didn't stop.

My heart breaks for Mama, but she loves Dad so much she will stand by him through anything. Somehow, I always manage to get stuck in the middle of their marital problems, and I was even blamed for their separation five years ago.

This has affected my relationship with my boyfriend because I have extreme trust issues. I find myself hating my father more and more each day. Please help me before I lose my sanity. -- DAUGHTER OF A CHEATER

DEAR DAUGHTER: For your own emotional well-being you must remove yourself from the drama and dysfunction in your parents' marriage. You cannot fix what's wrong with it; your father doesn't want to and your mother appears to have made peace -- if you can call it that -- with his infidelities.

Not all men are like your father. Many men respect women and are capable of having loving, monogamous marriages. You need professional help, and with good reason, and I urge you to get it. If you don't, your hatred of your father may color the way you regard all men, and it will always be a problem.

DEAR ABBY: We have some longtime friends, the "Gotrocks," who frequently come over for dinner. When they do, they bring "house gifts" -- commercially made cakes, Danish, etc. that are well past their expiration dates -- then brag about how much they saved on the food.

My wife and I limit our intake of sugar, high-fat and processed foods, and the Gotrocks are aware of it because we have told them, but they persist. I am offended that they would offer low-quality food that I wouldn't serve an animal.

What should I do? Accept the garbage gracefully, not serve it and deep-six it after they leave, or tell them to stop bringing it?

Incidentally, money isn't an issue here; they proudly admit they are cheap. -- OFFENDED IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR OFFENDED: Having been put on notice that you and your wife do not consume sugary, high-fat and processed foods, the Gotrocks already know they are bringing an inappropriate house gift. Here's how I'd handle it: The next time they come, make a point of serving their gift to them for dessert -- while you and your wife enjoy a healthy portion of fresh fruit. If they enjoy it -- fine. If they look askance, you will have made your point. Waste not, want not.

DEAR ABBY: How do you respond to an overweight person who says she's fat? Or a short person who says she's short? Or to anyone else who points out a true physical flaw that goes against today's ridiculous standard of beauty? I am in a sorority and this happens all the time.

Please don't tell me to say that their personalities are beautiful -- even if it's true -- because what these girls want to hear is that they are physically beautiful. -- THE UGLY TRUTH FAIRY

DEAR UGLY TRUTH FAIRY: Don't lie. But if you're socially adept, you'll find something nice to say -- unless you want to be as welcome as a skunk at a picnic. The girl with the weight problem may have beautiful skin or a fabulous head of hair. And the short girl may have such beautiful posture that people regard her as graceful. Get it?

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)