DEAR ABBY: "Devastated in Oklahoma" (June 18) asked how she can be supportive of her father, who is battling lung cancer. I was in a similar situation 3 1/2 years ago when my dad was diagnosed with multiple myeloma, a cancer of the blood.

It was terrifying witnessing the physical impact it had on my dad. I realized there wasn't anything I could do for his pain -- that was up to his doctors. But I figured out what I could do: I could raise money for cancer research.

I joined the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society's Team in Training and trained for an endurance bike ride while raising money for cancer. It was the greatest experience not only for me, but also for my dad, who was extremely touched by the number of donations. It gave him a morale boost.

I would like to encourage "Devastated" to look for a similar program in her area. It may help her deal with the diagnosis, knowing she's helping current and future patients just like her dad. "Devastated" doesn't have to be an athlete to sign up. I didn't even own a bike when I started the journey! -- EMMY IN ALBUQUERQUE, N.M.

DEAR EMMY: Taking a proactive stance is an excellent suggestion and one I am happy to pass along to "Devastated." Read on:

DEAR ABBY: With two cancer survivors in my family, I heartily endorse your advice. Even when we faced a 10 percent chance of survival, we worked, prayed, researched and talked about hopeful prospects. It helped us all in valuable ways.

There were dark days, but love of family, attention to medical messages, prayer and forward thinking can make a huge difference in the healing process. This is a time for "Devastated" to bond in new ways with her father. -- BEEN THERE, TOO

DEAR ABBY: My mother was diagnosed with lung cancer, too. She had one-fourth of her left lung removed. We thought it might be the end for her, but it certainly wasn't. She lived for seven more years, and I cherished the extra time I had with her. I hope "Devastated" will treasure every second with her father now. -- BARBARA IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR ABBY: As a father of two and grandfather of four, I know there is nothing more wonderful than being involved with one's progeny. "Devastated" should know that when her father comforted her, he was given the opportunity to do what a father loves to do -- show love to his child. And believe me, to know he was needed was a comfort to him as well. She need not worry. She is right where she needs to be. -- PAPA IN HAYWARD, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: "Devastated" should consider hospice if her father decides to stop treatment. It's a godsend and costs nothing. Most of all, she needs to let her father comfort her and to be her daddy for as long as possible. It will make him feel better. Let him know she loves him and will support any decision he makes. It is OK to cry, and to cry with him. -- MARY IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR ABBY: My brave, strong, loving father was killed instantly in a car accident. When I learned about it, I wished I had him to comfort me. "Devastated" is fortunate to still have time with her father.

She should not feel guilty about her feelings; they are perfectly normal. She needs to be his daughter first, his second pair of ears throughout his treatment and his caregiver if needed. The strength will come when she needs it. -- STILL MISSING MY DAD

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DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year. When we got together he had just gotten out of a five-year relationship. He says he loves me, but he recently told me that she was better in bed than I am!

I have lost confidence in our relationship and don't enjoy making love with him now, knowing I don't measure up. His ex was better looking than I am, but I don't understand why he would say that. I have told him he hurt my feelings, but he doesn't care. What do I do now? -- HURT IN BIG SKY COUNTRY

DEAR HURT: Now you ask yourself whether you want to continue a relationship with someone so tactless that he would drop a bomb on you like that one. It's telling that when you let him know you were hurt, he let you know he didn't care.

There are diplomatic ways for partners to communicate what they prefer when they are intimate. One of them involves positive reinforcement when their partner does something right. Another is simply saying in plain English what feels good. It appears that your boyfriend is insensitive to the max, my dear. But what you do about it is something no one but you can decide.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married 11 years to my husband, who is one of nine children. My sister-in-law has asked me for a copy of one of our wedding pictures, which is the last time all of them were together. Since the wedding, one of my husband's sibs has died and another is serving a long stretch in prison.

The problem is, she wants to digitally remove me from the picture! I don't want to give my sister-in-law a copy knowing I'll be edited out. It's hurtful, and after all these years it makes me feel like she hasn't fully accepted me as part of the family. Am I overreacting? -- BLOCKED OUT IN TEXAS

DEAR BLOCKED OUT: Your sister-in-law wasn't very diplomatic, but what she is trying to memorialize is the last time her biological family was intact. The situation is poignant, really. My advice is not to take this personally. Give her the picture before any hard feelings "develop."

DEAR ABBY: My 12-year-old niece, "Amanda," is on her cell phone constantly. She is the smartest kid I know, but she is failing her classes and has started to lie about everything. I raised her until she was 5 -- I was only 12 myself when I started -- so I am very close to her. Or so I thought.

Amanda lives with her dad and stepmom, who are doing their best to raise her, but nothing is working. When she was growing up she never lied, and I mean never. I have told her not to be afraid to talk to me about anything, but she hasn't, and it hurts me that she can't come to me. What do you suggest I do? -- WORRIED AUNT IN WASHINGTON

DEAR WORRIED AUNT: Speak to Amanda's father and suggest that he confiscate her cell phone until her grades improve. If she is texting instead of paying attention in class, and talking instead of doing her homework, that would be a step in the right direction. And continue to tell your niece that if she needs to talk to you about "anything," you are -- and will always be -- there for her.

DEAR ABBY: I have been romantically involved with my best friend, "Ray," for three years. We dated for a couple of years 14 years ago. He got a girl pregnant right before we started dating, and they ended up getting married and having four more children. We remained friends and began seeing each other after they divorced three years ago.

Ray says he has always been in love with me and should have married me. We're very close and spend as much time together as we can.

For the past year I have been asking when I'll meet his children. He keeps saying I need to be patient and when the time is right I can. We live in different cities.

Ray is a great dad -- very involved in his children's lives. He has them during the week, and on weekends, coaches basketball for his son, and takes them to their different activities. etc. I understand they are his first priority. I just wish he'd include me in that part of his life.

Ray says he wants to marry me. We discuss it often and plan on living together in the near future. I feel he doesn't want me to be a part of his life that involves the children. They range in age from 13 to 3 1/2. They know I exist because he has my picture by his bed, but he says they don't ask about me. Am I being "too" patient? -- REALITY CHECK IN KANSAS

DEAR REALITY: Are you absolutely certain that Ray is divorced? It seems strange to me that after three years you still haven't met his children. Or does he plan to have you move in and "surprise" them? That would be a big mistake.

If my suspicions are wrong and Ray is on the up and up, tell him you need him to set a definite timeline. You have been patient long enough.

DEAR ABBY: My cousin "Cassidy" met a man I'll call "Lenny" online and they started dating. When I met him a few months later, I recognized him as the man who had sexually assaulted two women I knew in college. He was convicted of these crimes, did time in jail and is a registered sex offender.

I was horrified and unsure about how to tell Cassidy. It turns out Lenny told her before they started dating, but she chose to date him anyway. They were married at the courthouse two years ago, a few weeks before my own wedding. I did not invite Lenny, and my cousin posted a nasty message online about it. When we are at family functions, I ignore him as much as I possibly can.

Although their marriage is not a good one, Cassidy is planning a formal wedding in a few months. I am torn. I don't support this, and besides, they are already married. If I don't attend, I'm afraid it will cause a big rift in my family.

Should I suck it up and put myself in a situation that makes me sick to my stomach? Or should I stay away with the possibility of upsetting those I care about? -- RELUCTANT RELATIVE IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR RELUCTANT RELATIVE: Your cousin already knows how you feel about her husband because you tried to warn her. Unless you're as good an actress as Meryl Streep, your family cannot have missed the fact that you avoid him as often as possible. If the idea of attending the upcoming performance gives you an upset stomach, do everyone a favor and stay away. And if anyone gives you heat, be upfront about the fact you think she's making a mistake and would feel like a hypocrite if you went.

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