DEAR ABBY: My 89-year-old mother has always been difficult. She not only never loved me, she treated me as if she didn't like me, either. She told me she didn't send me a birthday card on my birthday last month because "What was it supposed to say -- what a 'wonderful' person you are?" My children visibly winced when they heard her say it and worked extra-hard to make sure my day was special.

Abby, I have cancer. My prognosis is questionable. I was supposed to have been dead seven years ago -- but I'm managing. My problem is, I recently was told that my mother has been keeping in touch with a single friend of mine from years ago, and they are making plans for her to marry my husband when I die! A few other so-called "friends" are in on this. This last betrayal is incredibly hurtful. Where do I go from here? -- J.C. IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR J.C.: Where do you go from here? As far away from your toxic mother as possible -- and on to a long, and hopefully complete, remission!

DEAR ABBY: My daughter and 12-year-old grandson "Patrick" visit me on Sundays. Patrick watches TV in my office.

I was recently looking at the history on my Web browser after he had been there, and I noticed that Patrick had been visiting free porn sites and chat rooms on my computer.

I am disappointed that he has been looking at pornography and that he has put my computer at risk for viruses, etc. Should I talk to his parents? To him? Or should I ignore it and disable my computer when he visits? -- GRANDMA ON ALERT

DEAR GRANDMA: You should do all three -- so that Patrick's parents can make certain that when he uses a computer at home he can be supervised. And if the parents haven't yet had "the talk" with their son, suggest they place it at the top of their agenda.

DEAR ABBY: I am 20, newly married and very happy with my new husband. I didn't tell my father when I got married; he just found out. When I moved out four months ago to live with my fiance and his parents, I also didn't tell Dad I was engaged.

Dad called me to ask if it was true that I had gotten married. Of course I said yes, and he got very angry. He asked if I was pregnant and I told him no. Then he wished me luck with my husband, said we were on our own now, and he would be out of my life!

Abby, I have always been a daddy's girl. When it came time to get married, I didn't tell him because I knew he'd try to stop me. I love my father and don't want him out of my life. What should I do? -- NEWLYWED IN JACKSON, MICH.

DEAR NEWLYWED: Your father was extremely hurt by what you did. When a father loves his daughter, he looks forward to the day he will proudly walk her down the aisle, knowing the man she is marrying will be a stable partner. When you sneaked off, you took that away from him. He may also be upset that the young man you married isn't financially independent.

You owe your dad an apology. Write him a letter, explain why you did what you did and that you love him. It's a step in the right direction.

DEAR ABBY: I was involved with "Ralph" for two years. We live in a senior apartment complex, and women have been coming on to him for years. He is now seeing "Joan," who happens to be my neighbor. This hurts me deeply.

This is a small complex and it's difficult to face them. I am desperately trying to hold my words and feelings inside because it is hard not to call the woman a "slut." I blame Ralph more. He made the decision to humiliate me, but how can Joan do this to her own neighbor? How do I handle this with class? -- SHATTERED HEART

DEAR SHATTERED HEART: The smart way to handle it "with class" is to keep your temper in check and do no name-calling. If Ralph didn't make your relationship official, he was free to start seeing someone else.

While I agree that this is a painful disappointment, do not waste one more minute feeling "humiliated." Not all romances work out -- and a remedy for easing the pain is to become more active. Do not sit around feeling sorry for yourself watching Ralph and Joan come and go. Time can ease a broken heart -- but if it doesn't, consider trading rooms/apartments with someone on a different floor.

DEAR ABBY: Please settle something for me. As I was getting into my car, which was parked on the street, my cell phone rang with an important call. I took the call and wanted to finish the conversation before I pulled out and started driving. Meanwhile, someone had pulled up and wanted my parking spot. He honked his horn at me repeatedly. It was a diagonal space, and he would not have seen my arm if I had waved him on.

I know it was frustrating for this person who wanted to park, but I thought it was more important for me not to drive while on the phone. My husband thinks I should have pulled out anyway, or postponed the call. Who do you think is right? -- CAREFUL IN LA JOLLA, CALIF.

DEAR CAREFUL: You did the right thing by not pulling out. If the call was important -- as you say it was -- you were right to deal with the matter immediately. Until you vacated it, that parking spot was yours.

DEAR ABBY: My 50-year-old husband and his 27-year-old son from a previous marriage like to call each other profane names. Neither one seems to have a problem with it, and argue that they call their buddies these kinds of names.

I am personally offended by profanities and find it disturbing that such language would be used among family members, let alone in front of others. Am I the only one who thinks this is unhealthy behavior? -- OFFENDED STEPMOM IN WASHINGTON STATE

DEAR OFFENDED: Probably not. However, if neither your husband nor his son is offended, perhaps you should loosen up and be less judgmental. More important than what your husband and stepson call each other is the meaning behind the words. And more off-putting than the terms of "endearment" they're using with each other may be your well-intentioned efforts to censor them.

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DEAR ABBY: My wife and I were having dinner with another couple when a conversation ensued that divided the men's views from the women's. It concerned a recently widowed man (I'll call him "John") who is dating a woman from our wives' circle of friends, "Peggy." (Peggy is a widow.)

The wives were appalled that John has begun dating only three months after his wife "Gloria's" death, and insisted a woman in his situation would not. Furthermore, the women went on to question whether it was appropriate for him to date within Gloria's circle of friends. Our wives believe that anyone within this circle should be off limits, while we men don't see it as a problem.

So my question is: What is the proper protocol? (As an aside, the women now shun both John and Peggy.) -- JUST WONDERING IN THE BAY AREA

DEAR JUST WONDERING: "The wives" obviously identify with Gloria and feel that John's not wearing sackcloth and ashes for at least a year after her death is disrespectful to her memory. That's what they would expect from you. They would also prefer that you not date any of the available women in your circle. They were stating their feelings. So consider yourselves put on notice!

From my perspective, it seems your wives feel neither John nor Peggy has grieved long enough, and so they are punishing them. It is possible, however, that Gloria told John she didn't want him to be alone and grieve after she was gone, which is why he is being comforted by someone who knew them both. I'd advise your wives to give them the benefit of the doubt instead of shunning them.

DEAR ABBY: I regularly get phone calls that start with, "How are you doing?" I am often stuck trying to recognize the voice and sometimes I can't. When I ask who's calling, the caller becomes miffed that I didn't recognize his or her voice.

Have people forgotten telephone manners? Receiving no introduction from a caller often leaves me in the dark. I was taught to identify myself before starting the conversation. Am I being a fuddy-duddy? -- WHO'S CALLING? IN RICHMOND, KY.

DEAR WHO: Your problem is not uncommon. Unless the caller is a close family member or friend, it's presumptuous for someone to assume his or her voice will be recognized.

Some people solve this problem by having caller ID on their phone so they can see a caller's name and/or number when the phone rings. Others handle it this way: "How am I doing? I'm doing great! How are YOU doing?" Once the person starts talking, the chances become greater that you'll know who's on the line. However, if you don't, feel free to add: "Who is this?"

DEAR ABBY: I recently had a child and would like to join a church for the community, moral messages and the music. I grew up going to one and got a lot out of it.

However, exploration throughout my 20s made me realize that I didn't believe what was being taught. I tried hard to accept the doctrines, but truthfully, I doubt I ever will. Would it be dishonest to start attending again? -- NEW MOM IN ARKANSAS

DEAR NEW MOM: Many people consider themselves to be more "spiritual" than "religious." And I'm willing to bet that in many congregations there is a range in the intensity of belief among the attendees.

I encourage you to select a denomination with which you feel most comfortable. Some -- like the Unitarian Universalist faith (� HYPERLINK "http://www.uua.org" ��www.uua.org�) -- have no dogma or creed and support their members in following their own spiritual paths.

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