DEAR ABBY: I'm 25 and live in my mother's basement apartment with my boyfriend. We would like to be married soon, now that we're out of school and have stable careers. But I insist that we move out of Mom's house before making any permanent plans.

The problem is my mom, who is divorced, is unemployed and a social phobic, with few friends. We provide her with financial support by paying several hundred dollars a month in rent, in addition to other bills. She helps me with a loan when the rare emergency arises.

Every time I mention moving out, she becomes angry with me. She cries that she'll be left alone with no money -- and it makes me feel so guilty I relent. I have no idea what to do. My older sister, who is married with two children, might be able to help me out, but we have never been close and I'm reluctant to ask for her advice. Please help, Abby. -- MAMA'S GIRL IN ROSWELL, GA.

DEAR MAMA'S GIRL: You are not the solution to your mother's problems. The time has come for you to spread your wings and fly the nest. Before you leave, be sure the apartment is in the freshest condition possible so it can be rented and your mother will have some income. She will probably need professional help to overcome her ingrained social insecurities -- so encourage her to get it. (Some licensed psychotherapists specialize in phobic disorders.) It will change her life -- and yours -- for the better.

DEAR ABBY: If a girl ever needed advice, it's me. My father walked out 20 years ago, leaving four children and a disabled wife. He just vanished. We grew up and I searched for him. Because of the power of the Internet, I was contacted by his family, and Dad was found. He had reunited with his sister, who updated me.

Now I'm faced with the dilemma of how to speak to him for the first time since I was in diapers, and I am angry. My aunt advises me not to ask for answers to questions like "why" because I may not get them. Of the things he did say to her, not once did he express remorse.

I guess what I'm asking is how to talk to this stranger who altered my life. Most of what I have are questions. How am I not entitled to answers? Abby, this has been a long search and now that I have succeeded, I don't know what to do. -- STRESSED IN TEXAS

DEAR STRESSED: Your anger is justified. Unless he was locked in a mental ward, a man who would leave a disabled wife and four small children and "just vanish" is someone with no concern for anyone other than himself. Approach him with the same caution you would any other stranger, because that's what he is. Because this is stressful, list your questions in advance so you won't forget any. But I'm warning you: Do not allow him to make you feel sorry for him.

DEAR ABBY: Last night while walking my dog I noticed the lights in my neighbor's car had been left on. It was after midnight and his house was dark. I am not particularly close to this neighbor, although we acknowledge each other in passing. I rang his doorbell, but he didn't answer. The next morning as I left for work I saw the lights in his car were still on.

What is appropriate in this situation, Abby? Would people want to be told, or is it better to let them sleep? -- CARING NEIGHBOR, BOULDER, COLO.

DEAR NEIGHBOR: I can't speak for everyone, but I know I would much prefer to have someone ring my bell and tell me I forgot to turn off the lights than have to deal with a dead battery in the morning.

DEAR ABBY: My mother has a long history of lying in what appears to be her attempt to manipulate others. She is now 75, and my siblings and I know not to accept anything she says as the truth, and to always check with each other in order to find out the whole story.

The other day she lied to me about a doctor's appointment. Shortly after I talked to her, my sister called me, furious about what Mom had really done. I called Mom back that evening to give her a chance to tell the truth. Instead, she made up another lie to cover up what she had done. That's when I told her I had already spoken to my sister.

The whole situation makes me very sad, which I told her. I let her know I am "on to her" and have decided to give both of us some time to think about the situation. I know you can't teach an old dog new tricks, and I have given up trying.

I love Mom, but her continued manipulation of others has driven me away from her. Is there any way for her to see how much her inappropriate behavior affects those of us who care about her? -- SAD SON IN AUSTIN, TEXAS

DEAR SAD SON: No. And by cross-checking whatever your mother tells you with your siblings, you are handling a difficult situation as well as you can.

DEAR ABBY: Our 19-year-old son is home from college for the summer and he "knows everything." His father and I have told him to wash all fruits and vegetables we buy fresh from the market before eating them. He feels this is not important and continues to eat apples, strawberries and lettuce directly from the container or plastic bag without rinsing them.

Please let me know if our fears are real. I have always been told washing is necessary. I would love to show him something on this subject because he thinks I'm silly and overprotective. -- MOTHER KNOWS BEST IN TEXAS

DEAR M.K.B.: If seeing it in print will get your son's attention, I'm happy to oblige. Have him try this experiment: The next time he decides to eat a nice, shiny apple, have him soak it for 5 to 10 minutes in water to which several tablespoons of vinegar have been added. This will remove the waxy coating that is usually sprayed on them, and with it any dirt or "little critters" that may have become attached.

Also, periodically on the nightly news we hear announcements of FDA recalls because of salmonella or E. coli that has been discovered on various vegetables. Although some are packaged as ready-to-eat, they, too, should be rinsed before using. Consider it "health insurance."

DEAR ABBY: I am the parent of a child with special needs. To an outsider he looks different; adults and children stare at him when we're out.

My son is not aware of their impolite behavior, but I am -- and it really irks me. What should I say to these insensitive people? -- BOILING MAD IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR BOILING MAD: I don't think you should say anything. It is not unusual for individuals of every age to do a double take when they see someone -- or something -- that is "different." Of course staring is impolite, but unless someone makes a remark or asks a question about your son, you should ignore the person.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 20-year-old female who has recently come to terms with the fact that I am bisexual. My problem lies in the fact that I am strongly attracted to one of my best friends. I have liked her for several years, and she is a large part of the reason I discovered I was bisexual. I know she is straight and won't ever feel the same about me, but every time I'm around her, my romantic feelings for her start up again.

It has reached the point where I'm considering avoiding her to stop these feelings. None of my close friends are gay, and I don't feel comfortable discussing this with them. Is there any way I can still be friends with her without being so intensely attracted to her? -- ATTRACTED TO MY BEST FRIEND

DEAR ATTRACTED: You can do something about your actions, but not about your feelings. You will probably always be attracted to your friend. You will be less attracted -- and better able to handle your feelings -- once you have become involved with someone else.

DEAR ABBY: I have been seeing "Rodney" for four months. He is very nice, and we get along well. My problem is I am not totally attracted to him because of some dental issues.

Shortly after we started dating he told me he chews tobacco, which has contributed to his yellowing teeth. Because of this I find it hard to kiss him. Rodney has noticed it, but I told him I am not big on kissing -- which is really not the case.

How should I approach the subject with Rodney? This issue keeps me from completely falling for him. Please offer me some advice if you can. -- TURNED OFF IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR TURNED OFF: If you truly care about Rodney, confront the subject directly, because if he doesn't do something about his addiction to tobacco, your romance won't last. Tell him you weren't honest about how you feel about kissing and that his breath and yellow teeth have kept you from fully enjoying it.

Most people don't realize how dangerous and addictive chewing tobacco is. Studies show that the amount of nicotine in the bloodstream of "chewers" is twice as great as for smokers. Chewing tobacco is a cause for cancer of the mouth, lip, tongue, cheek and throat, heart disease, tooth decay and receding gums, as well as halitosis (bad breath). Nicotine gum can help Rodney quit and possibly save his life. So speak up -- for his sake. And yours.

DEAR ABBY: When I was in college, I dated "Alex." Three months later I found out he had a steady girlfriend, "Jane." Over the next two years Alex continued to cheat on Jane with me because Jane wouldn't have sex with him. I finally told her what had been going on because I was angry, and I ended the relationship with Alex.

Ten years have passed, and I hear they are being married. Do you see anything weird/strange/wrong with that? If a man cheated on me and later proposed marriage, I wouldn't accept because the thought of the other woman would always be on my mind. Would you share your thoughts? -- DUMBFOUNDED IN MINNEAPOLIS

DEAR DUMBFOUNDED: OK. I think it's time you stopped obsessing about a relationship that ended 10 years ago. It appears Jane has waited a long time for Alex to get serious -- and now he has. What happens after they marry will be her problem, not yours. Let it go and concentrate on your own life.

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