DEAR ABBY: I am being married in October and asked my best friend of 19 years to be my maid of honor. "Brianna" likes to dye the bottom of her hair red. I asked her to take the red out of her hair for the wedding, but she flat-out refused! When I told her that it is MY wedding and I don't want any red hair because it won't match my color scheme, her exact words were, "I don't care."

Am I wrong for asking Brianna to remove the dye? How do I get her to realize this is my wedding and I don't want to be upstaged! Please help me. -- SEEING RED IN MARYLAND

DEAR SEEING RED: I'll try. When you picked your best friend of 19 years to stand up with you at your wedding, you knew what she looked like. Either you should have picked another color scheme for the production, or chosen a cast member who was suitably mousy that she wouldn't dim your spotlight. Please note that I am using theatrical terms because you have lost sight of what a wedding really should be. What a shame.

DEAR ABBY: I am 20, and my life seems to be going nowhere. I graduated from high school two years ago and have put off going to college. I am obese and have no willpower to exercise to get healthy. I'm constantly thinking about the past. In high school I had few friends, none of whom keep in touch with me.

I recently bumped into a former guy friend at a store. We were close during my junior year, but he ignored me in my senior year. At the store, he didn't speak to me, which was hurtful. It reminded me of the pain I felt back in school. I always felt so alone.

My dream is to be an actress, go back to school and lose weight. But I can't actually see myself accomplishing any of it. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. Can you offer me some guidance? -- GOING CRAZY IN PHOENIX

DEAR GOING CRAZY: I'm glad you wrote, because you may suffer from long-term depression. Please schedule an appointment with a doctor and tell him or her exactly what you have described to me. With help, you may be able to stop needing to comfort yourself with food and find the energy you need to become more active.

If you want to be an actress, see what acting classes are available in Phoenix and if there is any regional theater. Not all actresses have to be skinny.

And one more thing. The former classmate you saw in the store may not have seen you, which is why he didn't say hello, or he may not have matured since graduation. This is not a reflection of what you are worth -- it's a reflection on him.

DEAR ABBY: It is picnic and barbecue season, and I would like to inform you of a disturbing trend that seems to be growing. When guests arrive at gatherings, they tend to prepare "to go" plates as soon as they arrive, take the plates to their cars, and then return to eat as if they had just arrived.

My mother-in-law thinks this practice is just fine. I think it is tasteless, to say the least. Will you please settle this disagreement between us? -- APPALLED IN CHICAGO

DEAR APPALLED: If this is a "trend," this is the first time I have heard about it. You may feel that taking food from a party to a hot car and returning to attend the gathering is "tasteless." I think it's downright dangerous because it could lead to food poisoning. The time to take leftovers is at the END of the party.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am an ordained minister and a senior citizen. At the present time I do not have a position with a church. I rely on part-time work officiating at funerals and weddings and earn a very modest living.

I work hard to make each funeral service meaningful. It often involves meeting with family members to hear stories about their loved one, and sometimes I must drive many miles to and from the church where the funeral is held. I always receive compliments from the families afterward, telling me how touched they were. Then they fail to pay me a single red cent! Most of these people know I am essentially unemployed, yet they offer me nothing for all my work.

Abby, nobody goes into the ministry for the money, but clergy have to eat, fill their gas tanks and pay their bills just like everyone else. What can I do to make sure I am compensated? Please don't tell me to set a specific fee, because I'd be glad to accept any offering they can afford. Besides, it seems tacky for a member of the clergy to ask for a fee upfront. It would be different if I was still on staff at a church and receiving a salary, but such is not the case. -- THORNY ISSUE IN FLORIDA

DEAR THORNY ISSUE: Please reconsider your policy about setting a fee for your services. Grieving families often forget anything beyond their grief. It is all right to say when you are called, "Please understand that I cannot do this for free. Would 'X' amount be fair?" That way your compensation can be negotiated. And if they forget, send a gentle reminder. Justice and charity walk hand in hand.

DEAR ABBY: When I'm finished with my silverware, plate, drinking glass, etc., I place them directly in the dishwasher. I do not understand why someone would put these items in the sink when the dishwasher is right there.

What is the proper etiquette for family? What about friends and company? -- MICHAEL IN NEW YORK

DEAR MICHAEL: People place their used eating utensils in the sink because some hosts are particular about how dishes and silverware are placed in the dishwasher. Some people prefer to wash their "good" china, glassware and silverware by hand. Please do not take offense. Tell friends and family what you prefer, and I'm sure they'll gladly comply.

DEAR ABBY: You often advise readers to consult a counselor or psychologist. We live in a small town with limited resources. There are a couple of good-sized cities within a reasonable distance. How do I know a practitioner is qualified to meet our needs? -- NEEDS GUIDANCE IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR NEEDS GUIDANCE: The first thing to do is to find out if the person is licensed to practice in your state. You should also ask your health-care provider if he or she knows of any good therapists. After that it's up to you to interview the candidates to make sure that you feel comfortable enough to confide your problems, because not everyone -- regardless of how qualified he or she may be -- may be a good "fit."

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: This summer, my boyfriend and I will be working together. I will be his boss. I want to maintain a professional environment while still keeping peace in the relationship. My boyfriend can be sensitive sometimes, so do you have any tips to help me separate my work life from my love life? -- STAGE MANAGER IN THE SOUTH

DEAR STAGE MANAGER: Yup. Before you start working with your boyfriend, establish ground rules in advance. He needs to understand that he won't be treated any differently than the rest of the cast and crew members because of your personal relationship, and to protect your job there must be no suggestion of favoritism. For you to allow that to happen, or for him to expect special treatment, would be unprofessional and could negatively affect the production.

DEAR ABBY: I was my best friend "Chanel's" maid of honor. I received her beautiful engraved invitation in the mail, but never sent back my RSVP, assuming that because I was maid of honor, had purchased my plane ticket, reserved a hotel room (which the bride and I were sharing the night before the wedding) and had already bought my dress, it was "understood" that I was coming. The bride and I had already discussed my special meal for the reception because I am a vegetarian.

During the reception, Chanel's mother informed me that "in the future I needed to RSVP when invited to a function." Abby, as a member of the wedding party I honestly didn't think I needed to. Are the members of the wedding party expected to RSVP?

As an aside, Chanel's mother was never fond of my mother and has told Chanel she thinks I'm "flaky." Was I in the wrong, or did her mother use this as a way to express her dislike of me? I have never considered her someone who was a stickler regarding etiquette. -- PERPLEXED IN PLANO, TEXAS

DEAR PERPLEXED: Technically, when one receives an RSVP card with an invitation, the recipient should immediately return it with an acceptance or regrets. However, in your case, common sense should have allowed the bride's mother to conclude that you would be there -- for all of the reasons you mentioned -- unless Chanel and her mother weren't communicating.

It appears your assessment of the woman is on target. For her to have been so insensitive to have taken it upon herself to "correct" you at the reception was in extremely poor taste.

DEAR ABBY: What should I call my late daughter's husband? My daughter had been married to "John" for 10 years at the time of her death. They had two young children.

John has since remarried and his wife has adopted the children. We have a close relationship, but I am unsure how to introduce both of them. (They are also aunt and uncle to my other grandchildren.) -- JUDITH IN SAN JOSE

DEAR JUDITH: The family history does not have to be explained at the time you introduce them. I see no reason why you should feel compelled to explain that your daughter died and John remarried, etc. Why not just say, "This is John and Mary, and our grandkids, Laurie and Jimmy"?