life

Man Schemes to Relive His 'Glory Days' Without Wife

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 13th, 2010 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My husband started exercising, is now on a strict diet and listening to love songs from the '60s. He has never been interested in these things before.

I overheard him on the phone talking about going to his high school reunion this summer, 400 miles away. When I asked him why he hadn't mentioned it to me, he said it's because I'm not invited. I was shocked. Then he said he's going with three of his old "buddies." I asked if their wives were going and he said, "No, they're divorced, but have girlfriends."

My husband is now giving me the silent treatment. He has a history of keeping things from me, but never anything like this. This is his 50th reunion, and the first one he has ever wanted to go to. I'm sick about it. What do you make of all this? -- HEARTSICK IN OREGON

DEAR HEARTSICK: I make of it that you don't trust your husband because he tries to sneak things past you and wasn't upfront about this from the beginning. If he had said he was planning to attend, and that he and three of his old buddies wanted to pretend they were teenagers again, you might have felt differently. Because he didn't, I can see why you would find the situation threatening.

Since you seem to have trouble communicating your feelings to each other, some sessions with a marriage counselor might help you reach a better understanding.

P.S. While he's gone, arrange to do something fun with some of your women friends. A girls' weekend might be a pleasant diversion, and at this point you need one.

life

Dear Abby for July 13, 2010

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 13th, 2010 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I left my wife for a much younger woman two years ago. Despite what my ex-wife says, it was not a mid-life crisis. I was very unhappy with my wife and our marriage. Our divorce has been final for seven months -- although I'm beginning to wonder if it will ever truly be "final."

My girlfriend, "Nicole," is anxious for us to be married and start building a life together. I'm still overwhelmed from how unbelievably painful the whole divorce process has been, and I can't begin to think about getting married again at the moment.

I have told Nicole that I'm not ready and I need some time. She says I'm "stringing her along," and even though she doesn't want to have kids, she still feels her clock is ticking for finding an acceptable mate. It has reached the point where Nicole says she is going to leave me if I don't commit to marrying her.

What is a reasonable time to expect someone to recover and be emotionally ready to remarry after an extremely bitter divorce? And what do you suggest? -- STILL HEALING IN WASHINGTON

DEAR STILL HEALING: Some people are ready to remarry within months of a divorce. For others, the healing process can take years. I suggest you call Nicole's bluff. She is anxious because she is beginning to doubt that she'll get you to the altar -- and the "biological clock" business she's handing you is ridiculous in light of the fact that she doesn't want children.

The feelings you are experiencing are normal after a bitter divorce. Please do not allow yourself to be stampeded. When the time is right for you to remarry, you will know it without my telling you.

life

Dear Abby for July 13, 2010

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 13th, 2010 | Letter 3 of 3

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

life

Aging Parents' Go It Alone Attitude Can Be Dangerous

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 12th, 2010 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My parents are both in their 80s, and I try to stay in touch with them as often as possible. Unfortunately, one issue I cannot get through to them is when to call 911 for help. Example: If Mom trips and falls, Dad needs to call 911 rather than struggle to help her up. One or both of them could be injured due to lack of strength or ability.

Also, if a stranger rings their doorbell or calls on the phone and asks them questions about checking accounts, etc., this person should be reported.

How do I impress upon my parents the need to contact the authorities when something is amiss rather than attempt to handle it themselves? -- ART IN EASTON, PA.

DEAR ART: Trying to parent one's parents long distance can be frustrating and emotionally draining. Part of the problem may be that when people in their golden years begin to slow down, they often don't realize that it's happening.

Please impress upon your father that when your mother falls there may be a reason for it that goes beyond being "clumsy." She may have suffered a small stroke or have an inner ear imbalance and need to be seen by a doctor. Also, when older people fall they can crack a bone, and being lifted by someone other than a professional can cause further injury.

These days there are more "sharks" swimming around out there than ever, poised to take advantage of the gullible and the vulnerable. If you suspect that someone has been asking your parents for information about their personal finances, the police should be informed. Also, if you feel they need protection, then it's time to involve a social worker to help them. Your local Area Agency on Aging or state department of health can guide you.

life

Dear Abby for July 12, 2010

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 12th, 2010 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: Many years ago I made a conscious and deliberate decision to leave the dating scene. Whenever I tell a woman I'm not interested or have made other plans, she becomes upset and angry with me. I try to be tactful and diplomatic with women, but it invariably results in acrimonious behavior toward me. I am exasperated with the situation. What's your advice? -- NICE GUY IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR NICE GUY: Of course when a woman hears that you're "not interested" she will be offended. A compliment it's not! And a woman who becomes upset and angry if you say you have other plans isn't someone you would want to be involved with anyway. Next time try this: "I'm sorry, but I'm NOT AVAILABLE." It's the truth -- you're not!

life

Dear Abby for July 12, 2010

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 12th, 2010 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: This may seem like a silly question, but what is the proper thing to do if fruit drops on the floor at the grocery store? -- WONDERING IN COLUMBUS, GA.

DEAR WONDERING: There is no such thing as a silly question. I addressed your query to the manager of a major grocery chain in the Los Angeles area. He said: "Because it is assumed that people wash their fruit at home before eating it, the fallen item should simply be placed on its stand. (Of course, if it has split in two, cracked or been crushed, you should bring it to the attention of an employee working the produce department.)"

Now: Speaking as someone who has bought fruit, taken it home and found it to be bruised when I cut into it, it's my PERSONAL opinion that instead of replacing the fruit in the display, a store employee should be informed so the item can be sold at a discount the next day.

life

Teen Plays Naughty and Nice on Twin Facebook Profiles

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 11th, 2010 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have just learned that a friend's 16-year-old daughter has two different Facebook profiles. One is a "nice" profile to which she has invited me, her family and friends from her days at a Christian academy. The other, which is pretty raw, she uses with her new "wild" friends from public high school.

The first profile portrays her as the perfect student and daughter. The other includes explicit details about her sexual exploits and drinking parties. Should I keep my nose out of it or let her parents know about the dual identities? -- VIGILANT IN EVERETT, WASH.

DEAR VIGILANT: Ask yourself whether you would want to be warned about your minor child's drinking and sexual exploits or be kept in the dark, and you'll have your answer.

life

Dear Abby for July 11, 2010

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 11th, 2010 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My 5-year-old son, "Miles," is passive, kind and a genuinely sweet kid. He has made friends with some neighborhood kids who are his age or a few years older.

While watching them play I have noticed a few of the more aggressive boys tackle, push or kick him and -- at one point -- even punch him. Afterward I asked Miles why he didn't stick up for himself. He said he didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

Obviously, I don't want my son engaging in fighting or resorting to violence. However, I am torn as to whether I should intervene. I have talked to Miles about how friends should treat each other. With that in mind, he ought to be able to say "stop" when someone gets too rough.

Should I step in to correct the other child? Should I speak to the other parents? Or do I allow my son to work it out on his own? -- HELICOPTER MOM

DEAR MOM: If you step in and "correct" the other boys, it will make your son appear weak. If you speak to their parents, it will make those boys resent your child. If Miles were my son, I would sign him up for activities where he will be part of a team. It will give him self-confidence, help to improve his athletic skills, make him more physically fit and introduce him to children in addition to this particular group.

life

Dear Abby for July 11, 2010

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 11th, 2010 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I was widowed a year ago and joined a support group for widows and widowers. (I am 50 years young.) Through this group I met a gentleman, "Robert," who lost his wife two years ago. We became friends and have since fallen in love. I would like to think we have a future together.

Recently, I have been feeling guilty about our relationship, as though I am "cheating" on my late husband, and I'm wondering if this is normal. Should I keep these feelings to myself or discuss them with Robert? Should I go to counseling?

Perhaps the one-year anniversary of my husband's death has brought out these feelings. I'm remembering our last days together and feeling guilty about having started a new relationship. I don't want to hurt Robert or push him away by bringing this up if this is a normal phase most widows go through. -- STARTING OVER IN VIRGINIA BEACH, VA.

DEAR STARTING OVER: If you are not completely over the death of your husband, then your feelings of guilt are understandable. When they occur, please remind yourself that you lived up to your wedding pledge "until death do you part."

Because you and Robert are part of a support group, this is a subject it might be helpful to raise with the other members. As to discussing it with Robert, I recommend that you do. Far from pushing you apart, it may bring you closer. And if your feelings of guilt persist, by all means discuss them with a counselor because you have every right to be happy.

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