DEAR ABBY: Last year, my husband of 36 years died. My pastor came over a few days later to help me clean up my yard because my husband was a pack rat. I did not realize that some of the items I thought were junk were valuable. My pastor took the items, sold them for scrap and kept the money for himself. He also took my husband's truck to his shop, stripped it and sold the parts.

I have tried calling him but he won't answer or return my calls. I tried talking to him after church only to have him shut the door in my face. I have written him a letter -- no response.

Abby, I don't want to take my pastor to court. I'm beginning to lose my faith. What should I do? -- LOSING MY FAITH IN KINSTON, N.C.

DEAR LOSING YOUR FAITH: My gut reaction is to scream, "Call the cops!" The man you have described is a wolf in shepherd's clothing and it could save other trusting widows from being fleeced as you have been. If you can't bring yourself to take that "pastard" to civil court, at least report these thefts to the judicatory or regional board of your denomination so they can deal with him.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married 30 years and have had issues with my mother-in-law since before the wedding. She didn't want me to marry her son and has criticized my hair, my weight, my child-rearing, etc., during my entire marriage. Of course, she never says these things when my husband is within earshot. I didn't discuss it with him because we don't see her often.

We're planning a one-week visit with them, and my 50th birthday will occur during the visit. My husband told me I could do whatever I wanted on my birthday and mentioned including his parents. I told him I didn't want to spend the day with them and now he's mad at me.

I realize this may seem petty to you, but this is a milestone birthday that I'm not really looking forward to. What do I do? Do I "suck it up" and deal with her presence on my birthday or stand my ground? -- DREADING IT IN ALAMOGORDO, N.M.

DEAR DREADING IT: Remind your spouse that he SAID you could do anything you wished on your birthday, and that you didn't realize that telling him you wanted to spend this milestone without his parents would upset him. Then tell him that because he feels obligated to include his parents, of course, you won't object -- as long as he's willing to celebrate the occasion the way YOU would like after you return from the visit.

P.S. It's too bad you didn't tell him his mother was "gunning for you" decades ago, because he might have been able to nip it in the bud.

DEAR ABBY: Many years ago my wife conceived a child with an old boyfriend who had been after her for quite a while without my knowledge. I adopted the child after he left her.

I have tried to convince my wife to tell our daughter the truth for medical reasons, but she refuses. She feels if she tells our daughter the truth, she will be disgraced forever. What is your opinion? -- LOVES MY DAUGHTER IN WASHINGTON STATE

DEAR LOVES YOUR DAUGHTER: Your daughter should have been told the truth years ago -- and it is still not too late to do so. My concern is that she may eventually hear it from some other relative or a close family friend who assumes she already knows. These kinds of family secrets invariably have a way of slipping out, and better that your daughter hear the story from her mother than someone else.

DEAR ABBY: I am an 18-year-old woman and have been with my fiance for 2 1/2 years. I love him and can't picture my life without him. However, over the last six months he has become emotionally abusive. He's never wrong, gets mad if I disagree with him about anything, and he yells at me over every little thing.

He used to treat me great, and now this. I miss how it used to be, and I cry almost every day. In the past I always told myself I would never put up with something like this, but I have been -- and it gets harder every day. I know it's not physical, but emotional abuse counts for something, right? Or am I overreacting? Please give me some advice. I need to know there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. -- SAD IN LAS VEGAS

DEAR SAD: You're not overreacting. What you are experiencing now is a preview of how the rest of your life will be if you stay with him. When a partner becomes controlling and emotionally abusive, in most cases it's only a matter of time until the physical abuse begins. If you're smart, you will put an end to this NOW. The "light at the end of the tunnel" is the sunshine you'll see once you exit this relationship and slam the door behind you.

DEAR ABBY: Would you please say something about the practice of choosing teams for group games by having team captains select individuals through the process of elimination?

As a child, I was always the person chosen last, and it happened again at a recent community function. I found it just as humiliating and hurtful as an adult.

We were asked to stand and then sit down as our names were called. I was the last person standing in a room of 60 people, and it felt like I had just been pronounced the least popular and desirable person in the room. -- THE OUTCAST IN ALLEN PARK, MICH.

DEAR "OUTCAST": I'm glad you wrote. When choosing teams for group games, most savvy educators separate students into "odds" and "evens" -- or divide them alphabetically -- rather than using the old "last man standing" method. That this would happen in a room full of adults shows extreme insensitivity, and I don't blame you for being upset.

DEAR ABBY: My mom recently married a man with four daughters whose upbringing was very different than mine. Most of the time the "culture clash" doesn't bother me, except when we get into trouble.

When I stay out after my curfew, I am grounded for two weeks. When they do it, they get a minor scolding. While I understand that we were raised with different standards, I resent it when my punishment is worse than theirs. How can I make this equal? -- ANGRY IN THE WEST

DEAR ANGRY: Yours is a problem that occurs in many families when they become blended -- and you are right; the situation is unfair. That's why I hope you will show this item to your parents. Family counseling can help them arrive at a fair solution and head off resentments before they explode.

DEAR ABBY: "Aaron" and I have been married five years, and I have always tried to keep our sex life "spicy." Letting him take private X-rated photos and videos of me seemed fun at the time.

I recently learned that my "private" photos and videos have been on the Internet and shared with Aaron's buddies, co-workers and friends. I am shocked, embarrassed and hurt. When I confronted him, he said, "You're beautiful, and I enjoy sharing you with other guys!" I was dumbfounded at his response. I have tried talking to him, and he just doesn't see my objections.

Every time I see one of our friends, I wonder if Aaron has shared my "beauty" with him. I'm too embarrassed to talk to my minister about this. I have lost my trust in my husband and don't know what I should do now. -- X-POSED IN ILLINOIS

DEAR X-POSED: What your husband has done is the equivalent of inviting his buddies, co-workers, friends, etc. into your bedroom during your most intimate moments. Your trust was violated and your feelings are understandable. That he would disregard your feelings in the matter is, frankly, shocking.

What you should do now is contact a licensed marriage counselor to figure out if, with professional help, you can help your immature and insensitive husband reorganize his priorities.

DEAR ABBY: Twenty years ago I was in love with "Connie," a girl who was my best friend and soul mate. We had so much in common. Connie was chubby -- not fat, just not a size 3.

Being 22 at the time, I became infatuated with "Lisa," who was a size 3. Lisa was also jealous, insecure and still tied to her mother. I snapped one day and left her -- the smartest thing I have ever done.

By then, of course, Connie had moved on, and I deeply regret my wandering eye, lack of sensitivity and misplaced values. My life would be so much happier had I done what was right instead of being stupid.

Connie, I am told, is happily married, and I would not wreck her marriage. I have remained single. I don't know if you can offer me advice, but if my experience can help another young man to recognize the beauty within, he will be happier than I am. -- WISER NOW IN OHIO

DEAR WISER NOW: You are not the first man to wind up with indigestion from too much arm candy. But this happened 20 years ago and you have grown since then. It's time to stop punishing yourself and open yourself to new possibilities. There are many out there. Trust me on that.

DEAR ABBY: My sister is showing signs of Alzheimer's, but she is in denial and refuses to face the issue. I would like to get her medical help. Our mother had the disease and my sister is probably scared. Any advice? -- BIG BROTHER IN FLORIDA

DEAR BIG BROTHER: If your sister is without a spouse or children, her doctor should be notified about your concerns. You also need to talk to her, to ensure that she has an advance directive for health care and powers of attorney in place in the event that she "might" become unable to make decisions for herself.

While the thought of preparing these documents can be scary, NOT having them is far scarier should any incapacitating health-care crisis arise. This needs to be done while your sister still has the capacity to make rational decisions.

The Alzheimer's Association can be a valuable resource in a situation like this, so please don't hesitate to contact it. The toll-free, 24-hour helpline is (800) 272-3900. The website is � HYPERLINK "http://www.alz.org" ��www.alz.org�.