DEAR ABBY: My father is a successful attorney. He appears to be the ideal father because he's charming, has a sense of humor and is intelligent.

He's a different person in private. Since I was 12, he has verbally and emotionally abused me, sometimes hitting me, throwing me down, threatening to evict or kill me. Abby, I was not a bad child. I never experimented with drugs or alcohol and spent little time with friends. I'm currently in college and maintain a 4.0 GPA.

My family and I think my father is mentally ill. He's extremely unstable and has a family history of these issues, including suicide. He has started stockpiling his deceased father's belongings, speaks to the dog as if it were a human being, and obsessively checks things in the house like locks, etc. He has extreme anger issues and other bizarre behaviors.

It's clear Dad has a problem, but because it has not affected him at work he sees no reason to get help. The one time I brought it up it only enraged him. He believes he is the ruler of the house, in control of everything, but it's obvious he's losing control.

We know we can't force him to get help, but what can I do to get Dad to see a psychiatrist or to improve the situation? Mom has given up, and I'm afraid for my little sister. She's in high school and still lives at home. -- BIG SIS IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR BIG SIS: Your mother should have insisted your father get help when he started abusing you. Because she didn't, you should have told a teacher or counselor at school because they are mandated to report it. If your father abuses your sister, that's what she must do.

While many people mistakenly think that domestic abuse happens only in low-income families, family violence occurs among people on all social and economic levels. Because you fear for your sister's safety, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-7233. The people there can suggest help for your mother and sister, but your father cannot be "helped" unless he's willing to finally admit he needs it.

DEAR ABBY: I just returned from a "Manicure/Pedicure Party" for a friend who is being married. The invitation I received stated, "Please join us for a manicure and pedicure in honor of the bride-to-be."

I was home about 10 minutes when I received a phone call from one of my hostesses. She told me that I had left without paying for my manicure and pedicure! I was floored. I told her I had forgotten, but the fact is, I had assumed since the invitation stated "Please join us" that the hostesses were paying.

Did I misinterpret the invitation? Or do people now "host" parties where they expect the guests to pay their own way? I am embarrassed and confused. Should I have asked the salon worker or the hostesses who was paying the bill? -- CONFUSED IN COWTOWN

DEAR CONFUSED: Obviously you did misinterpret the invitation, which should have clearly mentioned that the event was "no host" and the guests would be required to pay for their own "salon services." I see no reason why you should have assumed that you'd be asked to pay, and your confusion is understandable. But please don't feel embarrassed. The folks who should feel embarrassed are the "hostesses."

DEAR ABBY: My sister and I have always been close. My niece was popular, blond, petite and a high school cheerleader who dated the quarterback. My daughter, "Amber," was studious, wore thick glasses and no makeup, but was happy and well-liked. We accepted and celebrated their differences.

My niece stayed in town, working part-time in an office and taking a few classes at junior college while waiting until her boyfriend finished college, became a professional athlete and they rode off into the sunset. As fate would have it, he returned home -- with a new cheerleader.

Amber went off to an Ivy League school on a scholarship. When she returned home 10 pounds lighter, with long, highlighted hair and contact lenses, we didn't recognize her. She's a knockout!

My sister and my niece have now cooled toward us and make cutting remarks about Amber. They have started acting strangely, bad-mouthing the ex-boyfriend and his family, even at church functions. I want to talk to my sister, but I'm at a loss on how to start or what to say. Any ideas? -- LOST IN LONG BEACH

DEAR LOST: You are describing two very unhappy women, for whom things haven't turned out as planned. Your daughter, the "ugly duckling," has transitioned into a swan. Congratulations! She is now considered to be "competition." Now please try to be gracious. Pick up the phone and call your sister. Tell her you're concerned about her because she seems to have become "withdrawn" lately -- and see if you can draw her out. It appears she and her daughter are going through a bad time right now.

DEAR ABBY: I was visiting my father when he got the phone call from his doctor with the results of his biopsy. It was lung cancer. I tried my best not to cry, but I couldn't help myself and my father comforted me.

I want to be strong and "there" for him, but my heart is breaking because I can't think of anything to make this better for him. I can't bear the thought of losing him. I lost my mom five years ago, and Dad helped me through that. When my father is gone, I will have no one.

I feel guilty that I'm more concerned about my feelings when I should be concentrating on helping Dad feel better. I hate that my emotions are so close to the surface. I worry most of the time anyway, and this has thrown me for a loop. Have you any advice on how I can pull it together and be supportive of my father? -- DEVASTATED IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR DEVASTATED: Yes, I do. Cancer is a scary word, but it is important to remember that, in many cases, it is not the death sentence that it was even 10 years ago. In other words, your father may go into remission or even recover completely. So please stop panicking that you may lose him, because he needs you right now.

If you can, accompany him to doctor's appointments. You can take notes and help him evaluate and understand his treatment options -- because when people are stressed they sometimes tend to forget what they have been told or what questions they wanted to ask.

Contact the American Cancer Society about online and local support groups that offer up-to-date information regarding therapies and clinical studies, as well as places to find the emotional support you are looking for. Help is there if you just reach out. The toll-free number is (800) 227-2345 and its website is www.cancer.org.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I disagreed with your advice to the woman whose husband was upset about his wife going out for drinks with her male co-workers. ("Pulled in Two in Pennsylvania," April 2). We have been happily married for many years, and neither she nor I feel comfortable with a female employee going for drinks with mostly males.

Drinking can lower inhibitions. Many office affairs begin in similar situations. In addition, no one should be driving home after two or more drinks. Office parties or get-togethers should not be held at bars. Employers can be held responsible for a multitude of things that can happen after these socials.

That woman's husband may be too protective or controlling, but he is not out of line to be upset about the situation. -- BOB IN LEWISVILLE, TEXAS

DEAR BOB: Thank you for your comments. I told "Pulled in Two" that her husband appears to be insecure and can change only if he's willing to own up to it. However, many readers felt differently -- distinctly differently. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: As someone with a "jealous" husband, I beg to differ. There is a positive definition of jealousy -- rightly guarding what belongs to a person. This man may be guarding the relationship he has with his wife. He may sense some danger from her "friendly" and "happily married" co-workers that she doesn't see. Although they have been married 16 years, it seems his jealousy arose only after she took this job.

I speak from experience as someone who didn't realize I had boundary issues with men. I thought I was just being friendly, but my husband helped me understand where to draw the line. In doing so, I have seen how much he values our relationship and wants to protect it.

I am a college graduate and have worked in my profession more than 25 years. I'm not a throwback to the days of male domination. I appreciate my husband's concern and wisdom.

"Pulled" needs to find a way to put her marriage ahead of having fun with her co-workers. Jobs come and go; a great marriage can last a lifetime. -- JO ANN IN GEORGIA

DEAR ABBY: Every company I have ever worked for invited employee spouses to attend almost all after-work social events. Only rarely, once or twice a year, may they have had an employee-only function. I suspect "Pulled in Two" enjoys the extra attention she is getting from her male co-workers. Otherwise, I bet she could invite her husband. -- BEEN THERE IN AZTEC, N.M.

DEAR ABBY: It does seem that the husband is insecure, but there may be another explanation. Some of the most jealous spouses I have witnessed were the ones who caroused the most. Obviously, since they cannot be trusted, they project that unwarranted lack of trust onto their mate. -- ILENE IN CORPUS CHRISTI

DEAR ABBY: Any time social drinking is a part of a "work" event, the opportunity for inappropriate behavior presents itself. Many marriages have been ruined because of a "mistake" or "I didn't mean it to happen -- it was the alcohol."

If "Pulled" wants to go out drinking with male associates rather than go home to her husband, she is taking the road that leads away from a strong marriage. I faced that crossroad many times throughout my life and have never once regretted telling the ladies I couldn't join them because I already had a commitment at home. The result has been 30 years of wedded bliss with no "mistakes." -- JOHN IN THE SUNSHINE STATE

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