DEAR ABBY: My sister and I have always been close. My niece was popular, blond, petite and a high school cheerleader who dated the quarterback. My daughter, "Amber," was studious, wore thick glasses and no makeup, but was happy and well-liked. We accepted and celebrated their differences.

My niece stayed in town, working part-time in an office and taking a few classes at junior college while waiting until her boyfriend finished college, became a professional athlete and they rode off into the sunset. As fate would have it, he returned home -- with a new cheerleader.

Amber went off to an Ivy League school on a scholarship. When she returned home 10 pounds lighter, with long, highlighted hair and contact lenses, we didn't recognize her. She's a knockout!

My sister and my niece have now cooled toward us and make cutting remarks about Amber. They have started acting strangely, bad-mouthing the ex-boyfriend and his family, even at church functions. I want to talk to my sister, but I'm at a loss on how to start or what to say. Any ideas? -- LOST IN LONG BEACH

DEAR LOST: You are describing two very unhappy women, for whom things haven't turned out as planned. Your daughter, the "ugly duckling," has transitioned into a swan. Congratulations! She is now considered to be "competition." Now please try to be gracious. Pick up the phone and call your sister. Tell her you're concerned about her because she seems to have become "withdrawn" lately -- and see if you can draw her out. It appears she and her daughter are going through a bad time right now.

DEAR ABBY: I was visiting my father when he got the phone call from his doctor with the results of his biopsy. It was lung cancer. I tried my best not to cry, but I couldn't help myself and my father comforted me.

I want to be strong and "there" for him, but my heart is breaking because I can't think of anything to make this better for him. I can't bear the thought of losing him. I lost my mom five years ago, and Dad helped me through that. When my father is gone, I will have no one.

I feel guilty that I'm more concerned about my feelings when I should be concentrating on helping Dad feel better. I hate that my emotions are so close to the surface. I worry most of the time anyway, and this has thrown me for a loop. Have you any advice on how I can pull it together and be supportive of my father? -- DEVASTATED IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR DEVASTATED: Yes, I do. Cancer is a scary word, but it is important to remember that, in many cases, it is not the death sentence that it was even 10 years ago. In other words, your father may go into remission or even recover completely. So please stop panicking that you may lose him, because he needs you right now.

If you can, accompany him to doctor's appointments. You can take notes and help him evaluate and understand his treatment options -- because when people are stressed they sometimes tend to forget what they have been told or what questions they wanted to ask.

Contact the American Cancer Society about online and local support groups that offer up-to-date information regarding therapies and clinical studies, as well as places to find the emotional support you are looking for. Help is there if you just reach out. The toll-free number is (800) 227-2345 and its website is www.cancer.org.

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DEAR ABBY: My wife and I disagreed with your advice to the woman whose husband was upset about his wife going out for drinks with her male co-workers. ("Pulled in Two in Pennsylvania," April 2). We have been happily married for many years, and neither she nor I feel comfortable with a female employee going for drinks with mostly males.

Drinking can lower inhibitions. Many office affairs begin in similar situations. In addition, no one should be driving home after two or more drinks. Office parties or get-togethers should not be held at bars. Employers can be held responsible for a multitude of things that can happen after these socials.

That woman's husband may be too protective or controlling, but he is not out of line to be upset about the situation. -- BOB IN LEWISVILLE, TEXAS

DEAR BOB: Thank you for your comments. I told "Pulled in Two" that her husband appears to be insecure and can change only if he's willing to own up to it. However, many readers felt differently -- distinctly differently. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: As someone with a "jealous" husband, I beg to differ. There is a positive definition of jealousy -- rightly guarding what belongs to a person. This man may be guarding the relationship he has with his wife. He may sense some danger from her "friendly" and "happily married" co-workers that she doesn't see. Although they have been married 16 years, it seems his jealousy arose only after she took this job.

I speak from experience as someone who didn't realize I had boundary issues with men. I thought I was just being friendly, but my husband helped me understand where to draw the line. In doing so, I have seen how much he values our relationship and wants to protect it.

I am a college graduate and have worked in my profession more than 25 years. I'm not a throwback to the days of male domination. I appreciate my husband's concern and wisdom.

"Pulled" needs to find a way to put her marriage ahead of having fun with her co-workers. Jobs come and go; a great marriage can last a lifetime. -- JO ANN IN GEORGIA

DEAR ABBY: Every company I have ever worked for invited employee spouses to attend almost all after-work social events. Only rarely, once or twice a year, may they have had an employee-only function. I suspect "Pulled in Two" enjoys the extra attention she is getting from her male co-workers. Otherwise, I bet she could invite her husband. -- BEEN THERE IN AZTEC, N.M.

DEAR ABBY: It does seem that the husband is insecure, but there may be another explanation. Some of the most jealous spouses I have witnessed were the ones who caroused the most. Obviously, since they cannot be trusted, they project that unwarranted lack of trust onto their mate. -- ILENE IN CORPUS CHRISTI

DEAR ABBY: Any time social drinking is a part of a "work" event, the opportunity for inappropriate behavior presents itself. Many marriages have been ruined because of a "mistake" or "I didn't mean it to happen -- it was the alcohol."

If "Pulled" wants to go out drinking with male associates rather than go home to her husband, she is taking the road that leads away from a strong marriage. I faced that crossroad many times throughout my life and have never once regretted telling the ladies I couldn't join them because I already had a commitment at home. The result has been 30 years of wedded bliss with no "mistakes." -- JOHN IN THE SUNSHINE STATE

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DEAR ABBY: Recently I was at a club with friends and ran into a co-worker. He was dressed in drag and introduced himself as "Glenda." At work, he dresses like a male and goes by "Glen."

Since that night he has been avoiding me and cutting conversations short, if not ignoring me altogether. Should I let him know I'm OK with his alternate persona, or let it be? I don't want to risk awkward situations. -- SYMPATHETIC IN NORTHERN VIRGINIA

DEAR SYMPATHETIC: I don't know how large your company is or how much contact you have with Glen. If the answer is it's a large company and contact is minimal, then let it be. If you have contact with Glen frequently, and his embarrassment is having an impact on your work relationship, then clear the air by letting him know that what happens after hours is his business and you do not gossip. Period.

DEAR ABBY: My sister, "Gina," recently became engaged to her longtime boyfriend. A few days after hearing about the engagement, I sent her an e-mail telling her my husband and I were free every weekend except Oct. 8, 9 and 10 because a dear friend had asked me months ago to be a bridesmaid in her wedding that weekend. I have already bought the dress and had it altered. I called Gina to explain the situation after sending the e-mail.

Yesterday, I spoke with my father and found out that Gina has chosen Oct. 9 for her wedding day, even though I told her I couldn't make it then. Gina wants me to be her matron of honor because she was my maid of honor.

Clearly, I cannot participate in two weddings on the same day at the same time in different locations. Who do I say no to? -- DREADING WEDDINGS IN WASHINGTON, D.C.

DEAR DREADING: Let me get this straight. You warned your sister that you would be unavailable on a certain weekend, she chose that date for her wedding anyway, and you had to hear the news from your father? Could there be more going on with your relationship with your sister than you mentioned in your letter? Perhaps she felt "obligated" to have you in her wedding party because she was in yours?

From my perspective, you should thank your sister for her kind offer and remind her that you had already told her you would be unavailable that weekend. That way, you're both off the hook.

DEAR ABBY: I work in a small office, and every day a co-worker's adult child who works nearby comes here to have lunch with her mother. She knows everyone's business as if she worked here, and we're forced to order her something when we get takeout. Frankly, we're tired of it. How can we put a stop to this without hurting anyone's feelings? -- ONE MORE FOR LUNCH

DEAR O.M.F.L.: It appears the line between "family" and "business" has become blurred. The co-worker who is closest to the mother should approach her privately and say, "You should know that your daughter coming here every day is creating hard feelings in the office. If you want to have lunch with her every day, then you should be doing it outside the office. During our lunch time, we want to talk about things that are personal, and her presence makes that difficult."