DEAR ABBY: "Anonymous in Washington State" (March 25) can't stand her 10-year-old daughter but adores her two sons. I have worked for more than 20 years for a nonprofit organization whose mission is to improve parenting and prevent child abuse.

"Anonymous" can access more information from the Washington State Department of Social and Health Services online (www.dshs.wa.gov) or via telephone at (360) 902-8400 to find out about free or low-cost mental health/counseling services in her area. Parent Trust for Washington Children may be able to provide information on support groups and other services. The phone number is (206) 233-0156. Finally, there is Childhelp USA ((800) 422-4453) if she wants to speak to a counselor who can direct her to local services. -- SUZANNA IN MILWAUKEE

DEAR SUZANNA: Thank you for sharing some valuable resources. That letter struck a nerve with many readers who reached out to offer help as well as share similar experiences. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: As a teacher, I would occasionally have a student I didn't like. I gave myself the "Ten Rule." I'd make 10 positive comments about the student before I allowed myself to make a negative one. The process worked miracles.

I don't know if I changed because I made the effort to find good qualities, or if the child changed because of the positive input. Before long, I found myself liking and enjoying that student as much as I did the others. -- NANCY IN BROUSSARD, LA.

DEAR ABBY: I suffered physical and verbal abuse from my mother, who told me often I was her "ugly" child. The day I checked out of the hospital for depression she told me she had never bonded with me as an infant and that I annoyed her. I suffered from low self-esteem for as far back as I can remember.

I'm almost 40 now, and after thousands of hours of therapy and hard work, I choose to believe that I am worthy and loving. I'm in a healthy marriage and have a 2-year-old daughter. The thought of repeating the pattern of abuse makes me ill. I hope "Anonymous" will do whatever she can to change her attitude toward her daughter. -- J.H., LONG BEACH, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: Children mimic what they see. "Anonymous" has two sons who are watching and learning how to treat people, especially women. -- READER IN MILES CITY, MONT.

DEAR ABBY: My mother was physically and mentally abusive to me while she doted on my three brothers. I used to pray for someone to rescue me. I vowed never to have children because I feared there was a defect my mother had passed on to me, and I never wanted anyone to feel the way she made me feel. Ironically, my three brothers never even call my mother, and after tons of therapy, I am now her loving caregiver. -- BEEN THERE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ABBY: I am 52 and my heart still aches when I think of how unloved I felt as an awkward 10-year-old. My mother was repulsed by me -- an overweight, bucktoothed, loud and unladylike girl.

After I left home I went on to become a highly successful, beautiful and engaging woman, despite the flawed vision of myself that had been created by my self-absorbed and verbally abusive mother. Little girls grow up, and what this mother ruins today may haunt her tomorrow. -- GROWN UP IN NEW ENGLAND

DEAR ABBY: I am sending along a gift suggestion for Father's Day for the dad who doesn't "need or want anything."

I recently celebrated a major birthday and my four dear adult children, all living in different parts of the country, collaborated electronically to record some of their favorite memories of their years at home -- some humorous, some touching, some surprising. These were written on tiny bits of paper, carefully folded or scrolled and packed into a small wooden box. There were 365 in all, with the expectation that I'd have one a day for a year.

I was so taken with the delight of reading them, however, that I read them all in two weeks! My heart will be warmed for a very long time. -- DEAR OLD DAD IN MAINE

DEAR DAD: What a wonderful idea -- and bless you for sharing it. Readers, listen up! It's a gift that costs little but time and thought, but is brimming with true meaning.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have done many things over the years to help out our son and daughter-in-law, "Cathy," including sending money, clothing, diapers, food and baby-sitting our grandchildren. Our son expresses appreciation for our help, but Cathy is another matter.

We send clothing for the babies, but there is no acknowledgment that it even arrived. When we take them gifts in person, without a word of thanks she asks if we have the receipts so she can return them.

Cathy will eat or drink in our presence but offer us nothing. She is insensitive, self-centered and often just plain rude. She seems to have no clue about how to be gracious. My wife is near tears at the end of every visit. It drives us nuts to be treated like this.

I am afraid our grandchildren will grow up imitating their mother's rude and disrespectful behavior. My wife does not want me to speak with our son about this because she's afraid we'll never see the grandchildren again. Can you give us some guidance as to what we should do? -- CLEVELAND READER

DEAR READER: Yes. Speak privately with your son and tell him how hurt his mother is at the treatment she has received. While it's possible that Cathy was raised having learned none of the social graces, it is disconcerting that your son would sit silently by and watch it happen. He should insist that his parents be shown more respect, and if necessary, explain and demonstrate for her exactly what that means.

DEAR ABBY: Several couples recently spent a week together on an excursion with each couple paying for their own lodging and meals. One couple complained at every meal about the cost. These meals were not overly expensive, and the couple can well afford everything they spent.

Is there a kind way to express that the rest of us were not comfortable with this behavior (often the wait staff overheard, and it was embarrassing) or should we just exclude them in the future? -- MEALTIME ADVENTURE

DEAR MEALTIME ADVENTURE: This couple may not have the money you assume they have, or they may prefer to spend it in other ways than at restaurants. Obviously, what wasn't overly expensive to you was more than they had planned on spending for their meals or they wouldn't have spoken up. Rather than telling them that it made you uncomfortable, invite another couple whose values more closely mirror your own to accompany you on future excursions.

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DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are writing about our only daughter, "Jessica," who has been married to "Ron" for three years. Jessica recently expressed displeasure (initiated by Ron) about how close we are with Ron's parents. They feel our friendship is somehow unusual or threatening. The in-laws are aware of it and don't intend to change their relationship with us.

From the time that Jessica began dating Ron, my husband and I formed a lovely and close bond with these people. We include each other at family and holiday gatherings. We're baffled, hurt and resent being told to back off from a relationship we cherish. We can't see the logic behind it, and it has put a strain on our relationship with our daughter and son-in-law. What do you think about this, Abby? -- BAFFLED IN VIRGINIA

DEAR BAFFLED: Ron may not have as close a relationship with his parents as you do with your daughter. Perhaps they would like to see less of the in-laws. By including them at every family and holiday gathering, you may be forcing more contact than Ron and Jessica would like. So my advice is -- at least for a while -- that you continue to socialize with these people as friends but curtail some of those family activities. See "the kids" alone sometimes, and you may learn the reason they feel the way they do.

DEAR ABBY: One of my friends asks to borrow my discount card (that I pay for) every time we go shopping together. She recently asked me to let her know the next time I plan to go to a particular membership store, so she can tag along and get my discount.

Until now, I have always agreed, but it's beginning to bother me. Am I wrong to feel this way? Am I being selfish? If not, is there a tactful way to let her know how I feel? -- WISE SHOPPER, JACKSONVILLE, FLA.

DEAR WISE SHOPPER: Not knowing your friend, it's hard to determine whether she's a mooch or someone who needs a break. Because you feel your generosity is being taken advantage of, a way to handle it would be to tell her that you sometimes decide to shop at the last minute and therefore can't always include her. Another would be to "forget" to mention you're going. Of course there is a third way, and that would be to tell her how you feel -- but it's risky because while true, it's not tactful.

DEAR ABBY: I have enjoyed the "pennies from heaven" stories you print from time to time. For a while I have wanted to write and tell you my story.

A few days after my mother passed away, my husband and I went to dinner at a local restaurant. We usually pay for our dinners with a credit card, but this time we decided to use cash. Our change was a few dollars and a penny.

For some reason, I decided to check the date on the penny. It was dated 1922, the year of my mother's birth. I am in my 50s and had never found such an old penny before. The 1922 penny is now among other treasures that my mother left me.

I don't believe in coincidences, Abby. I really do believe Mother had something to do with the penny we received. I consider it my "penny from heaven." -- SEATTLE READER

DEAR READER: A penny as proof of a mother's love? I wouldn't be surprised.

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