DEAR ABBY: I'm an "A" student, but my boyfriend, "Rory," has a difficult time in school, so he often comes over for help. We work at the computer in the room my sister and I share so she listens to everything we discuss. She says we are cheating because I'm doing most of his homework for him.

I don't give Rory the answers to questions, but I do give him "hints" and tell him where he's likely to find the answers in the textbooks. I always check that the answers are correct. With his math homework, I tell him each step he needs to take, but he actually does the math himself and then I check for accuracy. If he needs to write an essay, I suggest what he might want to write and help him with some of the edits.

My sister thinks what I do goes far beyond help, and that I'm enabling him to cheat. She feels that while it may help his grades now, I am doing him no favors in the long run. We had a big argument over this. I don't think it's any of her business. I'd really appreciate your opinion. -- HELPING OR CHEATING? SACRAMENTO, CALIF.

DEAR HELPING: Thank you for asking. I'm sure you care deeply for Rory, but sometimes -- with the best of intentions -- a person can do too much. When you suggest topics for your boyfriend's essays, then edit them so the teacher won't see where he needs to strengthen his English skills, what you're really doing is preventing him from learning how to properly spell or construct a sentence. And when you're no longer around to be his filter, it's going to become apparent.

The same goes for math. If you tell Rory what steps to take to solve his math problems, he won't master the concepts or memorize the formulas. Heaven help him if he plans to take a college entrance exam!

While the argument you had with your sister was regrettable, please try not to be so defensive. She was trying to tell you something important, and it couldn't hurt to really listen.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 13-year-old girl in junior high. I am very shy and self-conscious. When I see skinny girls, I look at myself and feel embarrassed or ashamed. I have a lot of friends who support me. They say I shouldn't worry about my weight and that I don't need to lose any more.

I would like some words of encouragement from you. It seems like nothing can stop the way I feel. I have a boyfriend, but our relationship is long-distance. We talk online and he is as supportive as he can be, but I still feel self-conscious. Please help me with this. -- TEEN IN NEED IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR TEEN: The harder we stare at our imagined flaws, the bigger they become. So please stop constantly comparing yourself to others. It's a depressing waste of time. Very few people are completely confident and self-assured at 13, and there are more important qualities to focus on in life than whatever happens to be the ideal of physical perfection at the moment. Your time would be better spent developing qualities that not only make you special, but also will last a lifetime -- your personality, your intellect and your talents.

So listen to what your friends and your boyfriend are telling you. Spend a few minutes every day reminding yourself of all the things you have going for you and the special qualities you have to offer. If you do you'll have less time to dwell on the negative.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I work with a woman who constantly tells me how much she has -- a condo in Florida, a timeshare in the Virgin Islands, her portfolio, the expensive ring her husband bought her and what she spends on wedding/holiday gifts. She even told me about how much she used to make at her previous job.

As a struggling single parent, I find it insensitive. How do I deal with this? Is it about my own inadequacies? She is otherwise a seemingly nice lady. My boyfriend says I need to just "get over it." What do you think? -- "PENNY LESS" IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR "PENNY LESS": This woman's constant need to talk about how much she has is less about your "inadequacies" than about her own. People who are happy, secure and socially sensitive don't usually feel a compulsion to brag about what they have. Once you understand that fact, you may feel less inadequate around her. But if that isn't the case, resolve to spend more of your time with people who talk about ideas and things you have in common, and less with her.

DEAR ABBY: My mother was physically and verbally abusive to my sister and me when we were kids and teenagers. Mom had a short fuse. She'd slap us if we accidentally dropped a piece of spaghetti or scuffed our shoes. If she thought we were talking back, she'd really lose it and things would get ugly.

My sister is a mother herself now, and her kids are brats. I know it's because she doesn't want to be strict or abusive to them like our mother was to us.

I am engaged and thinking about a family of my own someday. I don't know how to discipline children or how to correct their bad behavior without becoming abusive. How can I treat my children with kindness, but still have them behave well and be respectful? -- WANTS TO END THE CYCLE

DEAR WANTS: Contrary to popular belief, not everyone is born with the instinctive ability to be a good parent. Parenting is a skill, and like most skills, effective parenting has to be learned. Because you come from a dysfunctional home, a way to ensure that you won't repeat the pattern of abuse would be to enroll in parenting classes and learn about child development. Contact your state department of education, local junior college or hospital and ask if these courses are offered or if they know where you can find them.

DEAR ABBY: Last year, when I was a freshman in college, my boyfriend, "Charles," accidentally broke my laptop by closing it on a little bouncy ball. I paid the $800 to have it repaired even though he was the one who broke it because I had the money and he had none. He said he'd pay me back, but it has been a year and I have yet to see any of that money.

As a German major, I am required to study in Germany next year and I am strapped for cash. I have reminded Charles about my laptop and he says he'll repay me, but I know he's still in a bad place financially.

Am I wrong to ask for the entire $800 or should I ask for half the amount? Or should I just forget it since it was an accident? I could use some good advice. -- FRAUGHT FRAULEIN

DEAR FRAULEIN: You can ask for whatever amount you wish, but whether you'll get a penny is up for grabs. It appears Charles is immature. He should have repaid you even if it meant taking a part-time job. You're a smart girl. Chalk this up to tuition in the school of experience, and recognize that your boyfriend can't be counted on -- for anything.

DEAR ABBY: A few months ago I became suspicious that my wife of 40 years was having an affair with an old high school friend. At first I thought I was misreading the signs. Then I found an unfinished e-mail on our computer making a date to meet him "at our special place," and I was crushed. I began gathering information and found it was true and that it had been going on for some time.

When I confronted her, she denied everything until I told her about the e-mail and everything else I had found. She eventually admitted it was true and said she had wanted only to see if she was still attractive to men because she felt we were "drifting apart in our lives."

We tried counseling, but when she was able to make only one appointment due to "job conflicts," I gave up. I don't trust anything she tells me now, and I don't know which way to turn.

I stupidly agreed not to discuss this with any of her family or friends. I hate thinking that everything I thought we were working for will end up being split down the middle (if I'm lucky), and I will probably be painted as the one at fault. -- DUPED AND TRUSTLESS IN WASHINGTON STATE

DEAR DUPED AND TRUSTLESS: Because your wife refused counseling does not mean that you shouldn't go, and that's what I'm urging you to do. You need someone who is not emotionally involved to help you get your head straight. Once you do, you will have a better idea of what you want to do and how to accomplish it. You should also save the evidence, in case your wife tries in the coming months to lay the blame for her infidelity on you. You have my sympathy.

DEAR ABBY: My son was married a short time ago. The reception was held at my condo member hall. After the reception, the bride and groom asked me to refrigerate the leftover bottom layer of the wedding cake. They said they'd pick it up the next day.

Six days later, the cake was still in my fridge. They made excuses every day for not picking it up. Finally, I threw it away.

Now I'm the bad guy, and the bride is demanding an apology. Abby, the cake was hard and crusty, and I felt six days was long enough. Was I wrong in dumping the cake? -- FATHER OF THE GROOM IN FORT WORTH

DEAR FATHER: Let me put it this way -- rather than storing the cake in the fridge, it should have immediately gone into the freezer so it could be eaten at a later date. But because that didn't happen, and the cake was fit only to be used as a paving stone or a doorstop, the logical thing to do was throw it away.

DEAR ABBY: I am in my 50s and part of a management team at work. My first name is Mary. Every time the boss sees me he starts reciting that nursery rhyme, "Mary, Mary, quite contrary!" I find it belittling and insulting.

I have expressed my dislike of what he's doing, but he can't seem to stop. Is this a form of workplace harassment? -- "QUITE" ANNOYED IN ALABAMA

DEAR ANNOYED: If you have told your boss you find what he's doing to be unwelcome and he continues anyway, it might qualify as creating a hostile work environment. It appears you work for an insensitive clod whose attempts to be clever are annoying and pathetic rather than witty. You have my sympathy.