DEAR ABBY: My brother passed away a year ago, leaving a wife and five children. They are wonderful, well-behaved kids. Unfortunately, my brother appears to have been the one who kept everybody on schedule and made all the decisions. My sister-in-law just did whatever he said, deciding nothing on her own. Now that he's gone, the family seems to be falling apart.

The kids spend very little time at home, and they never eat together as a family anymore -- something I know is necessary these days to keep tabs on what the kids are up to. I could go into detail about how things have gone to pot, but I want to keep this brief. It breaks my heart to see it happen.

I would love to have a little chat with my sister-in-law to explain to her that she must step up to the plate and be the adult. How does one broach the subject without alienating her? -- LOVING AUNT IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR LOVING AUNT: Start by telling this widowed mother of five that you are worried about her, that you're concerned she may be chronically depressed over her husband's death, and you think she may need to talk to her doctor.

A woman in her situation, someone who has never made a decision for herself since the day she was married (or maybe longer), is in a terrible pickle. She needs a mentor because she will have to learn self-sufficiency from the ground up. So be prepared to share every bit of wisdom you can with her.

DEAR ABBY: A child was found dead in our area. He died from blunt force trauma to his head. His mother had reported him missing, and 12 hours later his younger brother found his body. It's not being called murder, although everyone around here suspects it was.

I went to the visitation the first night, and I have never seen so many kids attend a funeral without a parent. I was appalled. You don't send children to a child's funeral alone. I felt terrible for them. They lost a good friend and didn't have their parents there to help them cope.

I realize that people have to work, but the visitation was from 4 p.m. to 8 p.m. The funeral was at 11 a.m. the next day. One adult I spoke with said she didn't go because she couldn't stand to see the child that way. She couldn't take it, so I had to be there for her daughter.

Don't people understand it's not about them? Parents need to realize their kids may have a lot of questions and mixed-up emotions and need to talk. What do you think of this? -- SAD MOM IN THE U.S.A.

DEAR SAD MOM: I think you have written an important letter. Parents, if this letter strikes a familiar chord, please wake up and reprioritize. Your children need you -- especially at a time like this -- to help them talk through any fears and anxieties they are experiencing.

DEAR ABBY: I was in and out of a relationship with "Bob" for four years, and we recently split up again. Last September I bought an airline ticket for him to accompany me on a Florida vacation, but we broke up, so I cashed in his ticket.

Bob keeps calling me and saying he wants his "present" so he can go away. I said, "No way!" Was I wrong? -- HURT IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR HURT: Heck, no! The ticket was purchased with the understanding that Bob would accompany you to Florida. Because you are now on the outs (again) and it's not going to happen, why treat him to a free trip? Frankly, I think he has nerve to suggest otherwise, and if you're smart, the response you'll give him the next time he calls with his hand out will be, "Don't call me again."

DEAR ABBY: "Ethan" and I have been married 36 years. He's a good and caring husband, but he has a habit that irritates me no end. He opens our mail -- whether it's addressed to him or not.

I have nothing to hide and I always show or mention what I receive. I don't open mail that's addressed to him and would appreciate the courtesy of being able to open mail that's addressed to me. However, Ethan won't stop and insists that there is nothing wrong with what he's doing.

I'm about to the point of opening a post office box in my name and having my mail sent there, but it seems silly to go to that extreme. Am I being overly sensitive? -- FRUSTRATED IN GILMER, TEXAS

DEAR FRUSTRATED: If this were just about Ethan opening your mail, I'd say that after 36 years you might be overreacting. However, it seems to me that what's really bothering you is less about your mail being opened and more that your husband continues to disregard your wishes and does it over your objection. THAT'S what you need to get across to him, and if opening a post office box in your name will make the point, then that's what you should do.

DEAR ABBY: I have a question that isn't earth-shaking, but concerns a lot of people my age. Each year as I grow older and read my friends' obituaries I think about my own and how I would personally like mine to read. I would like to spare my family the difficulty of trying to sort through the details of my life.

I'm wondering just what is supposed to go into an obituary. As a professional, I have information about that side of my life. It's the personal part I'm wondering about. Are there any rules on this? What is expected or accepted? I'm sure there are others who would also welcome suggestions on this. -- THINKING AHEAD IN EAU CLAIRE, WIS.

DEAR THINKING AHEAD: Most obituaries are paid advertisements, and they can be as long or brief as the family wishes. Some are simple, mentioning date and place of birth, the names of the deceased's parents, as well as spouse, siblings, children and grandchildren. Business and personal achievements are often, but not always, included. However, I have also seen obituaries that were excerpted from eulogies. To find out more information, you should inquire at your local newspaper.

DEAR ABBY: I have been searching for a new job (unbeknownst to my current employer), and have been fortunate enough to get a few interviews. For the most part, they have been scheduled during business hours. I feel guilty making excuses to get out and attend them.

What would your advice be for someone in my position? Is there a better way to get around having to make up excuses to my employer? -- FEELING GUILTY IN TEXAS

DEAR FEELING GUILTY: I can think of two. When your interviews are being scheduled, let your prospective employer know that you're still working and ask if your interview can be before or after work or during your lunch break. If that's not possible, then rather than lie to your boss, ask to come in later or leave early and have it subtracted from your "personal time."

DEAR ABBY: I have been in a relationship with my college boyfriend for 2 1/2 years. We have had our share of struggles, but worked through most of them over time.

Lately, our polar opposite political views have driven a wedge between us. I feel we are losing respect for each other as well as our sense of intimacy and love.

How can we learn to have a mutual respect for our different political opinions while not compromising what each truly believes? -- RIDING A SEESAW IN MIAMI

DEAR RIDING A SEESAW: Begin by accepting that not all couples are in lockstep when it comes to their political beliefs. It is easier when you have respect for each other in other areas of your relationship. Then remember that when it comes to voting, individuals are not joined at the hip. And if that doesn't work, follow the example set by James Carville and Mary Matalin, a high-profile, politically disparate couple whose differences haven't driven them apart.

DEAR ABBY: Every time I go out with a man who says he wants a woman who treats him well and doesn't play around, I get burned. I'm not a game player, and I end up tripping over my feelings every single time. I give every guy the benefit of the doubt, and I'm the one who is always disappointed! At 29, I am contemplating life with eight cats and a set of knitting needles because I have finally had it with dating. Aren't there any men who actually mean what they say anymore? -- STEPHANIE IN HOUSTON

DEAR STEPHANIE: I'm tempted to say no, that all the good ones are married off -- but it wouldn't be true. So here's what I'm recommending: Start asking your friends of both sexes what you may be doing to attract men who hurt you or flake out. When a woman is repeatedly hurt because she gives every guy "the benefit of the doubt," it's because she's attracting the wrong people.

DEAR ABBY: A few years ago my husband and I took in a family member's infant daughter until a time when her mother could get back on her feet. That time never came, and we went through the process of adoption. We have been a happy family ever since.

I am now pregnant for the first time. Several friends and relatives have offered to throw us a shower. I am unsure of the proper etiquette since this is our second child (but our first biological child). My husband and I don't want to seem to be asking for anything, especially if having a shower for a second baby is considered improper. But we have never had a chance to experience the fun side of a pregnancy. I would appreciate your thoughts. -- FIRST-TIME PREGNANT, SECOND-TIME MOM

DEAR FIRST-TIME PREGNANT: I see no reason why there shouldn't be a shower for your baby. It's a lovely way to celebrate the new life you are bringing into the world. However, according to Emily Post: "Mothers and sisters of the mother-to-be should NOT give the shower. Naturally, mothers and sisters should be invited, but as with any other gift-giving event, they should not initiate an invitation that bears an obligation on the part of the recipient to provide a present to direct relatives."

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