DEAR ABBY: It seems the moment we got married a year ago, my husband promptly started gaining weight and adopting horrible habits. He has put on more than 100 pounds. I don't want to nag him, but the magnitude of his bad habits is making me contemplate divorce.

If he hasn't learned things like "garbage goes into the garbage can" or "aim for the bowl" by his age, is there any hope? Should I let him know our marriage may be in trouble? -- STILL A NEWLYWED IN UTAH

DEAR STILL A NEWLYWED: Are you telling me that you have sat in silence for an entire year while witnessing major changes in your husband's behavior since the wedding? Something may be wrong with him, and he should be examined stem-to-stern by a doctor. Your husband may have a serious problem, and it follows that if he does, your marriage will, too. So for both your sakes, speak up, schedule him for a physical and try to remember that line you uttered regarding "in sickness and in health."

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Irving" for about a year. He is intelligent, financially stable and loves me and my son. However, over the last seven or eight months he has said some things that have hurt me very much. For instance, he has told me to watch what I say around his business associates, and when he thinks I have been too loud around them, he tells me afterward -- almost in a fatherly tone -- that I need to keep it low key.

He isn't the most sensitive or compassionate man I have ever met, and I find those to be important qualities in a mate. Irving has also made comments about my weight -- specifically, that he doesn't want me to gain any.

Some of my friends are telling me to drop him, but I have invested a year in this guy and I hate to think it was for nothing. He's been talking marriage, and in the beginning I was excited. Now, I'm not so sure it's a good idea. Can you help? -- CAUTIOUS IN TENNESSEE

DEAR CAUTIOUS: If you're looking for a supportive mate, Irving doesn't appear to be the man for you. To stay with him because you have invested 12 months in the relationship is not sufficient reason to invest still more time. Face it, his tone may be "fatherly," but he's not your father, and he'll always be critical.

DEAR ABBY: We will visit my in-laws for the holidays next December with our new baby. We stay in a hotel when we visit because the in-laws are both chain smokers and I am a non-smoker who is sensitive to smoke. This has created some distance between my in-laws and me. When we have visited in the past I resigned myself to the fact that they will smoke through our dinners and conversations.

Now that we have a little one, I do not want my in-laws to smoke in front of the baby. They don't visit us; we visit them once a year. Can I ask that they not smoke in their home while my family is visiting? -- MICHELE IN WASHINGTON, D.C.

DEAR MICHELE: No. And even if your in-laws agreed, taking your baby into a house in which the carpets, walls and furniture are saturated with smoke would be counterproductive. When you visit, arrange your get-togethers at your hotel or in the home of other relatives who are non-smokers. Out of love for their grandchild, your in-laws should cooperate. If you need backup in making the request, discuss this with your baby's pediatrician and get the facts and statistics about how damaging first-, second- and third-hand smoke is on a little one's respiratory system.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to my husband, "Ted," for many years. He is a people person with close friends of both sexes. I have never had a problem with his having female friends because I trust him, and because these women are my friends, too.

Recently, however, a woman I'll call "Ellie" has become infatuated with my husband. At least I think she has, and I need an unbiased perspective. Ted has a separate e-mail account and he has shown me some of her messages. She calls him "Dearest" and says things like, "You are amazing; you are inspirational; you are my special friend; and you rascal, you." He either doesn't reply or is very careful how he does.

Abby, I sense that Ellie is trying to establish a separate relationship with Ted. He and I have discussed it. He thinks it's funny and we have joked about it, but we're both becoming uncomfortable around her.

We have mutual friends we see once a month for dinner. We'd have to explain to them why we want to cut off contact with Ellie. They may understand because Ellie's flirting has been escalating at these dinners. Am I being paranoid? -- WONDERING IN WASHINGTON

DEAR WONDERING: If you and Ted have both become uncomfortable because of Ellie's advances, you're not paranoid. Yes, you can withdraw from the dinners so you have less exposure to Ellie. But there is another way to handle it. Your husband can inform the woman that her attentions are making him uncomfortable and, if she wants to communicate via e-mail, she do it using your joint account -- and block her from his private one.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Gerald," and I have been married since the '70s, and in all that time we have never taken a trip or shared a vacation by ourselves. He makes the plans (even asking me where I'd like to go), but we always end up visiting one of his relatives or friends instead. And I end up doing the same things there I do at home -- cooking meals, cleaning, doing dishes and laundry -- while Gerald sits and enjoys himself.

The last time I mentioned that we have never been anywhere by ourselves, he seemed to really consider it. The next day he said, "OK, let's take a cruise." Then he said, "I'll call my brother and see if he and his wife want to come with us!"

Am I wrong in feeling upset that my husband doesn't care enough to go anywhere with just me or to a place that I want to visit? -- NEEDS A VACATION

DEAR NEEDS: Not in my book. It appears that your husband doesn't consider one-on-one time with you to be special, and that IS upsetting. When he suggested inviting his brother and sister-in-law along on the cruise, I hope you responded with a resounding "No!" But if you didn't, I'm recommending that for your next vacation, YOU make the reservations and plan the destination. After 40 years, you deserve a holiday you can enjoy.

DEAR ABBY: I have a short question I need an answer to. How do we know when it's time to end a relationship and move on? -- KIKI IN TEXAS

DEAR KIKI: The short answer is when it brings you more pain than pleasure. The longer answer is, when you make a list of the pros and cons in the relationship, and the cons outnumber the pros.

DEAR ABBY: I am a plus-sized woman who finds it difficult to squeeze into a tiny restroom stall. I frequently use the stall for people with disabilities because it's larger.

A few years ago, when I was traveling with my mother, we made a pit stop and, as usual, I headed for the large stall. Mom was horrified. She said the large stalls should be treated the same as parking places for people with disabilities and used only by those who are disabled.

I told her I disagreed, thinking that a few moments in the potty is different from a few hours in a parking space. Was my mother right? Her voice still rings in my ears every time I step into the larger stall. I'd appreciate your input. Maybe it'll silence my mother's voice. -- JENNIFER IN MAINE

DEAR JENNIFER: Because you have difficulty fitting into a regular stall, I see nothing wrong with using the larger one. If a woman in a wheelchair entered the bathroom at the same time as you, then good manners would dictate that you defer to her because she'd be unable to use a smaller one. However, there's no reason for the stall to be kept empty at all times, so stop being so hard on yourself.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have two children, a 3-year-old and a 1-year-old. He has been deployed since June. We talk frequently on the phone, and I have been managing well since his deployment.

My problem is, I'm afraid I have managed too well. I am terrified that when he gets back we will have grown apart. I am so used to doing things on my own now that I'm not sure I will be able to go back to our "normal" routine of his helping me with the kids.

Abby, what are your thoughts? We love each other very much and had a wonderful relationship before he deployed, but I don't know how well you can gauge a relationship over the phone and via e-mail. -- ARMY WIFE IN MISSISSIPPI

DEAR ARMY WIFE: The feelings you're having are not unusual for spouses whose partners are in the military. The repeated separations are painful and wrenching for all the family members involved. I have a deep respect for the spouses of military personnel who must adapt to long separations and the reunions that follow.

Of course there will be a period of adjustment when your husband returns. It will take understanding and compromise on the part of both of you. If you love each other, you will work it out -- with counseling if necessary. And should you hit a rough patch, please don't hesitate to reach out for it.

DEAR ABBY: My husband lost his son a few years back. His death was sudden and unexpected. We had no children of our own, but I had a wonderful relationship with my stepson.

When people ask if I have children, I'm never quite sure how to respond. On the one hand, I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable by telling them my stepson is deceased, but I also don't feel right not acknowledging him. Any advice on how to handle this kind of question? -- STEPMOM IN OTTAWA, ONTARIO, CANADA

DEAR STEPMOM: I'm sorry for the loss of your stepson. When you are asked, my advice is to be honest. Say, "I had a stepson with whom I was very close, but he passed away a few years ago."

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