DEAR ABBY: I have been married to my husband, "Ted," for many years. He is a people person with close friends of both sexes. I have never had a problem with his having female friends because I trust him, and because these women are my friends, too.

Recently, however, a woman I'll call "Ellie" has become infatuated with my husband. At least I think she has, and I need an unbiased perspective. Ted has a separate e-mail account and he has shown me some of her messages. She calls him "Dearest" and says things like, "You are amazing; you are inspirational; you are my special friend; and you rascal, you." He either doesn't reply or is very careful how he does.

Abby, I sense that Ellie is trying to establish a separate relationship with Ted. He and I have discussed it. He thinks it's funny and we have joked about it, but we're both becoming uncomfortable around her.

We have mutual friends we see once a month for dinner. We'd have to explain to them why we want to cut off contact with Ellie. They may understand because Ellie's flirting has been escalating at these dinners. Am I being paranoid? -- WONDERING IN WASHINGTON

DEAR WONDERING: If you and Ted have both become uncomfortable because of Ellie's advances, you're not paranoid. Yes, you can withdraw from the dinners so you have less exposure to Ellie. But there is another way to handle it. Your husband can inform the woman that her attentions are making him uncomfortable and, if she wants to communicate via e-mail, she do it using your joint account -- and block her from his private one.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Gerald," and I have been married since the '70s, and in all that time we have never taken a trip or shared a vacation by ourselves. He makes the plans (even asking me where I'd like to go), but we always end up visiting one of his relatives or friends instead. And I end up doing the same things there I do at home -- cooking meals, cleaning, doing dishes and laundry -- while Gerald sits and enjoys himself.

The last time I mentioned that we have never been anywhere by ourselves, he seemed to really consider it. The next day he said, "OK, let's take a cruise." Then he said, "I'll call my brother and see if he and his wife want to come with us!"

Am I wrong in feeling upset that my husband doesn't care enough to go anywhere with just me or to a place that I want to visit? -- NEEDS A VACATION

DEAR NEEDS: Not in my book. It appears that your husband doesn't consider one-on-one time with you to be special, and that IS upsetting. When he suggested inviting his brother and sister-in-law along on the cruise, I hope you responded with a resounding "No!" But if you didn't, I'm recommending that for your next vacation, YOU make the reservations and plan the destination. After 40 years, you deserve a holiday you can enjoy.

DEAR ABBY: I have a short question I need an answer to. How do we know when it's time to end a relationship and move on? -- KIKI IN TEXAS

DEAR KIKI: The short answer is when it brings you more pain than pleasure. The longer answer is, when you make a list of the pros and cons in the relationship, and the cons outnumber the pros.

DEAR ABBY: I am a plus-sized woman who finds it difficult to squeeze into a tiny restroom stall. I frequently use the stall for people with disabilities because it's larger.

A few years ago, when I was traveling with my mother, we made a pit stop and, as usual, I headed for the large stall. Mom was horrified. She said the large stalls should be treated the same as parking places for people with disabilities and used only by those who are disabled.

I told her I disagreed, thinking that a few moments in the potty is different from a few hours in a parking space. Was my mother right? Her voice still rings in my ears every time I step into the larger stall. I'd appreciate your input. Maybe it'll silence my mother's voice. -- JENNIFER IN MAINE

DEAR JENNIFER: Because you have difficulty fitting into a regular stall, I see nothing wrong with using the larger one. If a woman in a wheelchair entered the bathroom at the same time as you, then good manners would dictate that you defer to her because she'd be unable to use a smaller one. However, there's no reason for the stall to be kept empty at all times, so stop being so hard on yourself.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have two children, a 3-year-old and a 1-year-old. He has been deployed since June. We talk frequently on the phone, and I have been managing well since his deployment.

My problem is, I'm afraid I have managed too well. I am terrified that when he gets back we will have grown apart. I am so used to doing things on my own now that I'm not sure I will be able to go back to our "normal" routine of his helping me with the kids.

Abby, what are your thoughts? We love each other very much and had a wonderful relationship before he deployed, but I don't know how well you can gauge a relationship over the phone and via e-mail. -- ARMY WIFE IN MISSISSIPPI

DEAR ARMY WIFE: The feelings you're having are not unusual for spouses whose partners are in the military. The repeated separations are painful and wrenching for all the family members involved. I have a deep respect for the spouses of military personnel who must adapt to long separations and the reunions that follow.

Of course there will be a period of adjustment when your husband returns. It will take understanding and compromise on the part of both of you. If you love each other, you will work it out -- with counseling if necessary. And should you hit a rough patch, please don't hesitate to reach out for it.

DEAR ABBY: My husband lost his son a few years back. His death was sudden and unexpected. We had no children of our own, but I had a wonderful relationship with my stepson.

When people ask if I have children, I'm never quite sure how to respond. On the one hand, I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable by telling them my stepson is deceased, but I also don't feel right not acknowledging him. Any advice on how to handle this kind of question? -- STEPMOM IN OTTAWA, ONTARIO, CANADA

DEAR STEPMOM: I'm sorry for the loss of your stepson. When you are asked, my advice is to be honest. Say, "I had a stepson with whom I was very close, but he passed away a few years ago."

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My fiancee, "Cheryl," and I are in our early 30s and recently made an extremely difficult decision. We decided to terminate her pregnancy at six weeks. Cheryl's sister "Nicki" -- my future sister-in-law -- is opposed to abortion and now no longer wants to talk to me or have anything to do with me.

I have tried reaching out to Nicki to explain the reasons for our decision, but it has fallen on deaf ears. Should I continue asking her for forgiveness, or have I done enough already? This is causing Cheryl a great deal of pain, and I don't believe that it's fair for Nicki to punish me for a personal family decision. Please let me know your thoughts. -- CHERYL'S FIANCE IN PHOENIX

DEAR FIANCE: So how did Nicki get inserted in the middle of something that was none of her business in the first place? Surely, she didn't have a vote. Nicki is entitled to her feelings, but she has no right to punish you for a decision that was arrived at by both you and her sister. And the person to make that crystal clear to Nicki is Cheryl, not you, so stop apologizing.

The decision to terminate a pregnancy is an extremely sensitive one and never one that is taken lightly. Every decision has consequences, and I am sure that you and your fiancee accepted that when you made yours.

DEAR ABBY: Many senior citizens, including me, never get a phone call, visit or e-mail from our children or grandchildren. They say they're too busy with school, sports, etc. I say baloney!

Is this present generation so narcissistic that all they can think of is themselves? Your answer will go to many, many seniors who would like some communication once in a while. -- WAITING BY THE PHONE, FRIENDSWOOD, TEXAS

DEAR WAITING: There are far more constructive and rewarding things to do with your time than wait fuming by your phone because you feel you're not receiving enough attention. One of them would be to reach out and contact your children and grandchildren yourself. Others include getting out of your house, volunteering at a hospital (a pediatric ward, perhaps?), library, animal rescue or your political party -- ANYTHING but sit around feeling angry and isolated.

There is more pressure on families today than at any time I can remember. Many teens are so overscheduled and pressured to succeed they don't get enough sleep. So please try to judge them less harshly.

DEAR ABBY: My husband is a computer programmer. When he calls me from work I can hear him typing on his keyboard. I find this as rude as people texting while they're in the company of others. My husband thinks it is just fine and becomes angry if I mention it. What do you think? -- ANNOYED IN IMPERIAL BEACH, CALIF.

DEAR ANNOYED: I think that when your husband is working, he should devote his full attention to the job he's being paid to do. And as accomplished as your husband may think he is at multitasking, it is unfair to his boss to chat you up on company time. He should be making his personal calls during his breaks -- away from his computer.

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