DEAR ABBY: My brother is a lifelong drug addict who has spent the last two decades in and out of jail. He rarely works and has no permanent residence, finding shelter instead with various friends, girlfriends and sometimes sleeping in his broken-down vehicle. When he calls me, it's always with some creative story and a request to send him money. The money I have sent over the years has gone to pay for his new drug fix, not to resolve whatever problem his sob story was about.

Recently, our grandmother died and she left each of us some money. As her executor, I am responsible for making sure my brother gets his share. While I want him to benefit from this modest inheritance, I'm afraid he will use it to buy drugs -- possibly enough drugs to harm himself, if unintentionally. Obviously, this is not what our grandmother would have wanted. How can I make sure this money goes to help, and not further enable, my drug-addicted sibling? -- CONFLICTED SIS IN MARYLAND

DEAR CONFLICTED: Consult an attorney, preferably one who has experience with wills and trusts, and see if some arrangement can be made that ensures your brother has a roof over his head and won't starve. It may be possible that something can be worked out so his necessities would be paid for him, without his actually getting his hands on the money.

DEAR ABBY: I have been left confused and bitter over the loss of my best friend, "Sally." I expected to go to her children's weddings and be there for the birth of her grandchildren.

Sally had an affair, which I knew about. When her husband, "John," found out, he called me asking why I didn't tell him. After that horrible phone call, during which I lied to protect Sally, I never heard from them again.

Had I known this would happen I would have told John the truth. Instead of leaving her husband, Sally gave up her friendship with me. What did I do wrong? Should I be punished for listening to her? What would you advise your readers to do when someone starts telling them about an affair they're having? -- THROWN UNDER THE BUS, BELLEVUE, WASH.

DEAR UNDER THE BUS: What you did "wrong" was allow yourself to be dragged into that mess as a co-conspirator. Silence implies agreement. Once John realized you knew all about her affair and lied, you became as guilty in his eyes as Sally and her lover. My advice to readers about what to do when someone starts telling them about an affair? Stay out of the line of fire by telling the person you don't want to hear it.

DEAR ABBY: Like many parents, my husband and I would like our three children to read more. And they, like many children, would prefer to watch more television. We arrived at a compromise, and I would like to share it with your readers.

Many television shows are also available with closed captioning. For those who don't know what closed captioning is -- it is a service available on most TVs that shows what is being broadcast via audio. We mute the television and have the children read the words instead of listening. It works great! Their reading skills have soared, and I have noticed they are now reading more books than they used to. In addition, I really enjoy the quiet time while we're watching the TV.

Please pass this strategy on. Some of our friends are also doing it and feel it has helped their children, too. -- PROUD PARENTS

DEAR PROUD PARENTS: I'm pleased to spread the word. Closed captioning, which was originally intended for use by people with hearing disabilities, can also be very helpful for individuals who are learning English as a second language.

DEAR ABBY: Would you please print the signs of a mental abuser? My husband is like night and day. There's no in-between. He curses at me, calls me names, tells me I'm stupid and, when he raises his hand palm outward, it's my sign to shut up.

I have to leave notes about where I am, what time I'll be home, and if I'm a minute late, I'm in for it big time. When I try to stand up for myself he tells me I'm a b---- or "too sensitive." He also tells me what to wear.

Why on earth would I still love this guy? Please print the signs because I know a lot of other women in this situation. -- BEATEN DOWN IN FLORIDA

DEAR BEATEN DOWN: By printing your letter I HAVE printed the signs of a mental/emotional abuser. Your husband's behavior is classic, and I don't know why you would still love him. Women stay with men like your husband because they don't think they deserve better, or because they are financially dependent. "Love" has nothing to do with it.

Because verbal and emotional abuse can escalate into physical abuse, I'm printing the toll-free number of the National Domestic Violence Hotline. It's (800) 799-7233.

DEAR ABBY: How do you deal with a thief in your midst? I have a 21-year-old relative who steals. He has stolen from me, and I suspect from other members of the family as well. Please don't suggest therapy -- he's had years of therapy. Recently, he was caught stealing from a purse belonging to his mother's best friend.

The problem is family gatherings. I'm not comfortable telling my guests that they must watch their valuables, but I cannot deal with the possibility of having a guest's possessions or money stolen. Also, I don't particularly relish the idea of having him loose in my house.

He hasn't shown any particular interest in attending these functions and often hasn't attended when invited, but it's hard to know whether excluding him might make him feel left out. My inclination is to tell him the reason I don't want to invite him. Should I? -- HIS RELATIVE

DEAR RELATIVE: If he asks why he wasn't invited, by all means tell him. If years of counseling haven't curbed his compulsion to steal, it's possible that one day he will learn in a jail cell what he didn't learn on the couch.

Meanwhile, I see no compelling reason to continue inviting him to family gatherings. Not only will you be doing your guests a favor, you'll be exposing your relative to less temptation.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend has two children from a previous relationship. I love them very much and treat them like my own. We often go out with the children to playgrounds, shopping, etc.

Abby, people often refer to me as the children's mother. They'll say, "Ask your mom ..." things like that. What's the proper response to this? I find it embarrassing because I'm not their mother. But I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable by saying I'm not. What would be the most polite response to someone in that situation? -- NOT MOMMY IN MAINE

DEAR NOT MOMMY: The most polite response would be to ignore their mistake.

DEAR ABBY: Regarding "Ruminating in Rio Rancho" (Feb. 19), whose wife has an issue with his eating style, I too am a "serial eater," and I have taken a fair amount of kidding and abuse over it. However, the tactic of claiming it is poor etiquette to shame the eater is a new one to me.

In my experience, people react to serial eating because it is unusual. I can't explain why I do it, just as I can't understand why other people feel they must rotate their bites. I just know it works for me, and their method seems as odd to me as mine does to them.

I recall this subject was mentioned years ago in your mother's column. The writer said as a boy he was teased for eating this way, but an uncle of his had a different take. The uncle said that he had the capacity to become a great success because he did one thing at a time, and finished what he started before moving on.

So, to "Ruminating," what I advise is: Use your silverware, chew with your mouth closed, and compliment the chef. Tell her/him that each dish is so good that you don't want to dilute the taste, which would hamper your enjoyment. -- FINISHING WHAT I START IN RALEIGH, N.C.

DEAR FINISHING: My readers agree unanimously that a person's eating habits are a matter of personal choice and "Ruminating's" wife should resist the urge to be such a control freak. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Eating one portion at a time is not uncommon. During a home-cooked meal in Thailand, I made the mistake of taking a little from each platter and eating a bit of each one in rotation. My host informed me that in his country one takes a serving from one platter, eats it, and then takes another serving from another, etc.

There is no universal standard for proper etiquette. Customs vary from family to family and country to country. To establish their family "standards," the couple should discuss and do what they decide. At any meal, I follow my host's lead and then I am always correct. -- POLITE IN ANY COMPANY, DWAYNE OZEWALLA, PH.D.

DEAR ABBY: It is actually proper to rotate selections of food on your dinner plate. A good chef plans meals so that the taste of each selection complements the other, and the polite diner acknowledges each one. It's the second-best "gratuity" a chef can receive. Those who formed the habit of eating one item at a time were introduced to this style of eating by their mothers -- who opened one jar of baby food, fed their infant from that, then closed the jar and fed them from the next jar. -- KEITH FROM HOUSTON

DEAR ABBY: "Ruminating" eats the way some dietitians recommend: protein first, vegetables second, starch last. That's the healthiest way to eat, especially if you are trying to watch what you eat. -- DANA FROM KATY, TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: Do as I do, and take your eating to the next level. Instead of just consuming every item completely before moving to the next, try eating alphabetically ... mashed potatoes, meatloaf, then your peas. -- ORGANIZED IN UTAH

DEAR ABBY: My husband eats his least-favorite thing first and ends with his favorite. This was incorporated as a young boy to make sure he cleaned his plate. I suggested as an option that he eat his favorite first and then, when he gets full, he will stop eating, instead of always cleaning his plate. He has lost a few pounds in the process. -- WIFE OF HUSBAND FROM THE CLEAN PLATE CLUB

DEAR ABBY: Does "Ruminating" know he shares the same style of eating as Albert Einstein? This natural habit is a sign of genius. -- SHIRLEY IN BROOKFIELD, WIS.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)