DEAR ABBY: Would you please print the signs of a mental abuser? My husband is like night and day. There's no in-between. He curses at me, calls me names, tells me I'm stupid and, when he raises his hand palm outward, it's my sign to shut up.

I have to leave notes about where I am, what time I'll be home, and if I'm a minute late, I'm in for it big time. When I try to stand up for myself he tells me I'm a b---- or "too sensitive." He also tells me what to wear.

Why on earth would I still love this guy? Please print the signs because I know a lot of other women in this situation. -- BEATEN DOWN IN FLORIDA

DEAR BEATEN DOWN: By printing your letter I HAVE printed the signs of a mental/emotional abuser. Your husband's behavior is classic, and I don't know why you would still love him. Women stay with men like your husband because they don't think they deserve better, or because they are financially dependent. "Love" has nothing to do with it.

Because verbal and emotional abuse can escalate into physical abuse, I'm printing the toll-free number of the National Domestic Violence Hotline. It's (800) 799-7233.

DEAR ABBY: How do you deal with a thief in your midst? I have a 21-year-old relative who steals. He has stolen from me, and I suspect from other members of the family as well. Please don't suggest therapy -- he's had years of therapy. Recently, he was caught stealing from a purse belonging to his mother's best friend.

The problem is family gatherings. I'm not comfortable telling my guests that they must watch their valuables, but I cannot deal with the possibility of having a guest's possessions or money stolen. Also, I don't particularly relish the idea of having him loose in my house.

He hasn't shown any particular interest in attending these functions and often hasn't attended when invited, but it's hard to know whether excluding him might make him feel left out. My inclination is to tell him the reason I don't want to invite him. Should I? -- HIS RELATIVE

DEAR RELATIVE: If he asks why he wasn't invited, by all means tell him. If years of counseling haven't curbed his compulsion to steal, it's possible that one day he will learn in a jail cell what he didn't learn on the couch.

Meanwhile, I see no compelling reason to continue inviting him to family gatherings. Not only will you be doing your guests a favor, you'll be exposing your relative to less temptation.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend has two children from a previous relationship. I love them very much and treat them like my own. We often go out with the children to playgrounds, shopping, etc.

Abby, people often refer to me as the children's mother. They'll say, "Ask your mom ..." things like that. What's the proper response to this? I find it embarrassing because I'm not their mother. But I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable by saying I'm not. What would be the most polite response to someone in that situation? -- NOT MOMMY IN MAINE

DEAR NOT MOMMY: The most polite response would be to ignore their mistake.

DEAR ABBY: Regarding "Ruminating in Rio Rancho" (Feb. 19), whose wife has an issue with his eating style, I too am a "serial eater," and I have taken a fair amount of kidding and abuse over it. However, the tactic of claiming it is poor etiquette to shame the eater is a new one to me.

In my experience, people react to serial eating because it is unusual. I can't explain why I do it, just as I can't understand why other people feel they must rotate their bites. I just know it works for me, and their method seems as odd to me as mine does to them.

I recall this subject was mentioned years ago in your mother's column. The writer said as a boy he was teased for eating this way, but an uncle of his had a different take. The uncle said that he had the capacity to become a great success because he did one thing at a time, and finished what he started before moving on.

So, to "Ruminating," what I advise is: Use your silverware, chew with your mouth closed, and compliment the chef. Tell her/him that each dish is so good that you don't want to dilute the taste, which would hamper your enjoyment. -- FINISHING WHAT I START IN RALEIGH, N.C.

DEAR FINISHING: My readers agree unanimously that a person's eating habits are a matter of personal choice and "Ruminating's" wife should resist the urge to be such a control freak. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Eating one portion at a time is not uncommon. During a home-cooked meal in Thailand, I made the mistake of taking a little from each platter and eating a bit of each one in rotation. My host informed me that in his country one takes a serving from one platter, eats it, and then takes another serving from another, etc.

There is no universal standard for proper etiquette. Customs vary from family to family and country to country. To establish their family "standards," the couple should discuss and do what they decide. At any meal, I follow my host's lead and then I am always correct. -- POLITE IN ANY COMPANY, DWAYNE OZEWALLA, PH.D.

DEAR ABBY: It is actually proper to rotate selections of food on your dinner plate. A good chef plans meals so that the taste of each selection complements the other, and the polite diner acknowledges each one. It's the second-best "gratuity" a chef can receive. Those who formed the habit of eating one item at a time were introduced to this style of eating by their mothers -- who opened one jar of baby food, fed their infant from that, then closed the jar and fed them from the next jar. -- KEITH FROM HOUSTON

DEAR ABBY: "Ruminating" eats the way some dietitians recommend: protein first, vegetables second, starch last. That's the healthiest way to eat, especially if you are trying to watch what you eat. -- DANA FROM KATY, TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: Do as I do, and take your eating to the next level. Instead of just consuming every item completely before moving to the next, try eating alphabetically ... mashed potatoes, meatloaf, then your peas. -- ORGANIZED IN UTAH

DEAR ABBY: My husband eats his least-favorite thing first and ends with his favorite. This was incorporated as a young boy to make sure he cleaned his plate. I suggested as an option that he eat his favorite first and then, when he gets full, he will stop eating, instead of always cleaning his plate. He has lost a few pounds in the process. -- WIFE OF HUSBAND FROM THE CLEAN PLATE CLUB

DEAR ABBY: Does "Ruminating" know he shares the same style of eating as Albert Einstein? This natural habit is a sign of genius. -- SHIRLEY IN BROOKFIELD, WIS.

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DEAR ABBY: Nine years ago, my sister and I gave birth on the same day. Her daughter lived; my son died the next day.

At my niece's birthday parties my family insists on bringing gifts for my deceased son. My niece opens his gifts and my mother and sister then take them to the cemetery. They also order a special birthday cake for him along with the one for my niece.

I have tried telling them several times that this is confusing to my 6-year-old son, and it depresses my husband and me. My husband refuses to attend any more of my niece's birthday parties until the gifts/cake for our deceased son stop, and I'm about ready to join him.

Are we being "too uptight," as my family says, and is this behavior on the part of my family normal? Are we right to ask them to stop? And how do we convey this to them without hurting their feelings again? -- MOURNING MOTHER IN BIG SPRING, TEXAS

DEAR MOURNING MOTHER: The practice of taking gifts to the deceased does occur in other cultures, and is considered normal in those cultures. However, for your mother and sister to insist upon doing so when you and your husband have told them that it causes you pain is wrong. Tell them before the next party that you do not want it to happen, and exactly why. If they disregard your wishes, follow your husband's lead and skip the parties, too.

DEAR ABBY: I can't seem to grow up. I think I may have something similar to a Peter Pan complex. I often fantasize about my childhood. I miss it more than I should. I am a 25-year-old female.

I also do things that people usually do at younger ages. I put stickers all over everything. I like coloring books, and feel comfortable in kids' clothing. I watch youth-oriented TV shows people my age are not interested in.

I'm in college, and try hard to put these things behind me, but it's a constant battle. They stay in the forefront of my mind. With each passing year it gets harder to hide.

My parents think I act this way for attention, but it's embarrassing and I often don't realize that I'm doing something childish. In contrast, my big brother (age 29) is out of college, married and leading a positive, normal life. Do I need help? -- CHILDISH ADULT

DEAR CHILDISH ADULT: When someone is a child, she isn't ready to assume the responsibilities of adulthood. But when an adult clings to the trappings of childhood as you have, it may be because the responsibilities -- and privileges -- of adulthood are in some way threatening. Do you need help? Possibly, because what's going on is troubling you. And the place to find it is in the counseling department of your student health center.

DEAR ABBY: While in a department store recently, I lost my credit cards, driver's license, important papers and a sizable sum of money. Two employees called me later to say they had found my belongings.

When I returned to the store to pick up my things, I presented the young women with a basket of fruits and chocolate along with my thanks. Some friends told me I was wrong not to reward them with money. Did I do the right thing? -- IN LUCK IN NEW YORK

DEAR IN LUCK: It was thoughtful of you to bring the fruits and chocolate, but if the "sizable sum of money" was still in your wallet, it would have been "sweeter" had you given them some money in addition.