DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Hugh," and I have been married 16 years. We generally have a good relationship, with few arguments. We seldom participate in activities that don't include each other.

Three years ago, I was hired to work in the office of a manufacturing facility. The majority of the workers are men. Although Hugh denies it, I suspect he's uncomfortable about it.

When I participate in company events for employees only, he becomes jealous and rants that it isn't fair for spouses to be excluded. Once in a while, my co-workers and I go out for drinks after work. When I'm asked to join them, Hugh goes on the offensive, demanding to know all the details. He then calls my cell phone repeatedly until I get home.

I'm hurt that he finds me and my associates so untrustworthy. He has met the people I work with and has seen that they're all friendly and happily married. I encourage him to do things on his own with his friends, hoping he'll see that I trust him and will return the favor. What can I do to improve the situation? -- PULLED IN TWO IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR PULLED IN TWO: Have you talked to your husband about his behavior and how it makes you feel? If not, you should. But please understand that short of quitting your job and going to work in a convent, you can't improve the situation. The problem is your husband is insecure. Only he can fix that, which would first require his admitting it. Sad to say, he may not even be able to admit it to himself.

This is a difficult time to go job-hunting, so I don't advise it. But in the meantime, please do not make his problem your own. Accept that he has a problem, but don't allow it to jeopardize your work relationships.

DEAR ABBY: Is it OK to have sex when you're a guest in someone's home? I say no, but my husband feels the host knows we're married so it's not inappropriate. I think it's rude and shows a lack of respect for the host.

Would you please settle this once and for all? When we stay with friends, we end up fighting during our vacation. -- UNCOMFORTABLE IN TEXAS

DEAR UNCOMFORTABLE: For a married couple to make love when they are houseguests isn't rude or disrespectful, provided the pictures don't fall off the walls and there are no complaints about noise from the neighbors. However, if the idea makes you uncomfortable and unable to relax and enjoy the intimacy, then you and your husband should vacation in a hotel where you can expect to have more privacy.

DEAR ABBY: How do I stop my shoes from squeaking? I have a pair that I love, but they squeak so badly it drives me crazy. Everyone can hear my shoes when I am walking. Can you help? -- NOT THE OLD SOFT SHOE

DEAR N.T.O.S.S.: According to the book "Haley's Hints," a way to solve your problem is to pierce the soles of your squeaky shoes four or five times with a darning needle at the ball of the foot.

If that doesn't do the trick, "place the shoes in a solution of salt water at room temperature, just so the soles are covered. After soaking for 15 minutes, dry them off and place the soles in boiled linseed oil overnight. The next morning, remove the shoes, dry them well and your finicky footwear should be completely silenced!"

DEAR READERS: It's April Fools' Day again, the day I share some of the letters I receive that are so farfetched I wouldn't print them any other day because they are either over the top or under the bottom, depending upon one's perspective. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: As I was eating my lunch yesterday, I saw the image of Abraham Lincoln on one of my potato chips. As I was daydreaming about how much money I would make charging people to see it, I absentmindedly popped it into my mouth and ate it! Is there anything I can do about this? -- DANA IN PALM SPRINGS, CALIF.

DEAR DANA: Absolutely. Start thinking about some other original ways to make money. Your potato chip may have been delicious, but unfortunately, you ATE your business plan.

DEAR ABBY: While I was out of town on a business trip, my wife suddenly became a vegetarian. While that may sound like a good thing to some people, it is a matter of great concern to me. Since becoming a vegetarian, she has gained 30 pounds and no longer has her girlish figure.

In addition, she will no longer swat flies or kill a roach in the house, saying she doesn't kill anything anymore. Perhaps others who have encountered this situation can give me some hints on how to handle this. -- ARKANSAS CARNIVORE

DEAR ARKANSAS CARNIVORE: I sure hope so -- I'll let you know if I hear from anyone who wants to weigh in on your problem. But in the meantime, you'll have to cook your own steaks and kill your own insects.

DEAR ABBY: Please help me make my life better and answer a question that has been troubling me for some time. How do men on death row get their toenails cut? Are they actually given sharp objects to do it for themselves? I can't figure it out. -- PERPLEXED IN SOUTHWEST FLORIDA

DEAR PERPLEXED: Your question is one I have pondered for some time, as well. Because men on death row are not supposed to have sharp objects, they take turns chewing each other's toenails off. I have this on good authority -- and I'm not conning you.

DEAR ABBY: I have fallen deeply in love with a homeless man, and I have been trying unsuccessfully to convince him to move in with me for some time, but he just won't leave his cardboard box. He says it has sentimental value that I just don't understand. Please help me, Abby. What should I do? -- CARLA IN WASHINGTON STATE

DEAR CARLA: Try this. Have him move his cardboard box into your home, then he won't have to give it up and can spend as much time as he needs in it. Then slowly coax him out of his box for longer and longer periods of time, and you'll both have what you want. Good luck.

DEAR ABBY: I want to marry a nice, sweet girl who just completed her prison sentence for abandoning her illegitimate kid. My problem is, my dad sells drugs, my mother died in an asylum of syphilitic insanity, my two sisters are hookers and my older brother is awaiting trial for killing his girlfriend's husband. My younger brother is a U.S. congressman. Should I tell my future bride the awful truth about my younger brother? -- PETE W., GILCHRIST, TEXAS

DEAR PETE: Absolutely! And, unless you're afraid it will scare her off, you should also mention you're a creative writer.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to "Roy" for 27 years. For the past 14, he has been a stay-at-home dad. He took on the primary job of raising our two kids, now ages 13 and 16, while my career soared. The problem is, we never agreed to this arrangement.

Roy left his job at a critical time out of anger and missed out on some major retraining. He kept saying he'd start his own business or get work, but he never did. He also never made up for the loss in skills. Instead, he stayed home, moped about, and now at 56 would have serious difficulty finding a job in his field if he wanted to. (I don't think he really wants to anymore.)

Roy is not happy or fulfilled being at home and does nothing to get going on anything else. I'm so frustrated with him I can no longer stand it. I'm ashamed that I let this happen. For the last few years I have told him repeatedly he has to get busy with a career, go back to school, something -- anything -- or else. But each deadline I set passes with no change. Should I leave him? -- MISERABLE IN MINNESOTA

DEAR MISERABLE: Not yet. Your husband may be chronically depressed, which is why he mopes around and has given up on establishing himself independent of you. Instead of giving Roy more ultimatums that are never enforced, encourage him to talk to a psychologist. It isn't as though he has spent the last 15 years being idle. If your children are living up to their potential, his time has been well spent being a nurturing parent.

While I understand your frustration at being the sole breadwinner, recognize that you are not alone in that role these days. Many women are the heads of households, and they are not dumping their husbands en masse. Also, if your situation hasn't met both your needs it would have been over by now.

So before making any hard-and-fast decision about leaving, consult an attorney and gain some insight about divorce laws in Minnesota, because regardless of what you decide, you could find yourself supporting Roy for an extended period of time.

DEAR ABBY: When we were younger, my sister "Kara" and I were sexually abused by our pastor. Kara is now in counseling because of this, and she's insisting I do the same.

I told her I have no need for or desire to get therapy, and now she's angry with me. What my sister doesn't know is that I submitted to our pastor willingly. When I became pregnant by him at 16, I lied to my family and told them the child was a result of a one-night stand.

I am no longer involved with this man, although we parted on good terms and he continues to support our child. Should I tell my sister the truth so she'll understand why I am reluctant to seek counseling? -- CONFLICTED IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR CONFLICTED: You should not only tell your sister the truth, you should also join her in some of those counseling sessions. While you had sex with your pastor "willingly," you were underage. What the man did was predatory and statutory rape. If he would do this to you and your sister, what makes you think he isn't doing it to other young girls right now?

By staying silent, you may be enabling him to continue. If you are doing it for the money, there are other ways of getting support for your child. Please rethink this.