DEAR ABBY: I can't stand my 10-year-old daughter. I was an 18-year-old single mother when she was born. I find her ugly and annoying. Everyone tells me how "sweet" and "pretty" she is, but I can't see it. I dread when she comes home from school. I am not physically abusive to her -- I would never do that. But I can be verbally abusive, and I know I need to stop. She just makes me so mad.

I am now married with two more kids (boys), and I adore them. What's wrong with me? How can I fix this? I'm afraid it's too late. I have no spiritual adviser to talk to, and I can't afford to speak to a professional counselor. -- ANONYMOUS IN WASHINGTON STATE

DEAR ANONYMOUS: The circumstances of your daughter's birth were very different from those of your sons. When you look at her, you may be reminded of a chapter in your life you would prefer to forget. How sad for both of you.

The way you treat her, particularly in relation to her half-brothers -- will affect the way she perceives herself for the rest of her life. People whose parents treat them as unlovable often regard themselves as not "measuring up," and it can cause self-esteem problems that last a lifetime.

Ordinarily, I would encourage you to seek low-cost therapy through your county department of mental health for the sake of both you and your daughter. If that isn't possible, then I advise you to hold your tongue, control your temper and compel yourself to show your daughter approval and affection every day until it becomes a habit or she's old enough to leave -- whichever comes first.

DEAR ABBY: My workplace has instituted "casual dress Friday," where everyone is supposed to make a donation to a charity selected by a different employee each fortnight. While this is nice in theory, I often find that I don't wish to donate to the chosen charity because I don't agree with its ethics or its methods.

I give regularly to charities of my choice, which I have researched beforehand, but have never been one to donate automatically to every passing collection.

How do I bow out gracefully when the collection tin comes around? I have tried to explain to my co-workers why I don't support a particular charity and simply say I have chosen not to participate. I am met with blank stares and demands that I explain myself, and lectures about why I must "support the team."

I don't feel my colleagues have any right to tell me what I should do with my money, but they obviously disagree and I am finding the situation very uncomfortable. Any suggestions? -- FEELING AWKWARD IN AUSTRALIA

DEAR FEELING AWKWARD: The policy you describe seems more like "friendly" extortion than real charitable giving. (Is there some kind of contest going on between teams to see who can raise the most money?) While I'm all for casual Fridays, the policy of pressuring people to give strikes me as one that should be modified or done away with completely. That's why I think you should discuss your feelings with your supervisor or the head of the department and go on record that you prefer to give your money to causes you have researched and with which you identify. If that doesn't help, you may be working for the wrong company. Sorry, mate.

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DEAR ABBY: I'm a 27-year-old woman who is a "klutz," which explains why I often have bruises on my legs and elbows. The other day, while lunching with friends I hadn't seen in a while, one of them brought up the subject of my bruises. (I had rolled up the sleeves of my blouse and was wearing a skirt.)

I laughed and explained how I got them -- running off an elevator before the door had opened all the way, tripping while climbing some stairs, and crashing into the coffee table and nearly breaking my leg. My friends exchanged knowing looks and told me if I ever needed anything -- ANYthing at all -- they were there for me and offered protection!

It became obvious that they think my fiance caused the bruises. I explained that I am often in a hurry and accident-prone. They didn't believe me. They just nodded and said, "Uh-huh ..."

I feel so humiliated. My fiance has never laid a finger on me. I have never had a healthier, more loving relationship, and it hurt that my friends think I'm a victim of domestic abuse.

A birthday get-together is coming soon and I don't feel comfortable going now. I'm worried they may tell others what they "think" may be going on behind closed doors. How do I set the record straight? -- JUST CLUMSY IN AMARILLO

DEAR JUST CLUMSY: You won't set the record straight by hiding out and refusing to face them. Doing so will only fuel their unfounded suspicions, so attend the party. And at the next girls' lunch tell them, warmly, that you appreciate knowing they'll always be there for you, and if they ever need you for anything -- ANYthing at all -- you'll be there for them, too. Say it sweetly, with a smile, and above all, do not appear defensive.

P.S. In the future, how about slowing down, trying to be more careful and watching where you're going? One of these days you could seriously hurt yourself.

DEAR ABBY: I have a horrible secret. I have cheated on my husband with multiple strangers. I have tried to tell him I have an addiction, but he blows me off. When I first met him, I had been with two people. Since our wedding, I have lost count.

I think about sex constantly and often arrange to meet men anonymously many times during the week. I have tried to stop, but I just can't seem to. Believe me, I have tried.

I have attempted to talk to my husband about this so he will listen -- but I'm afraid to estimate how many times I have cheated because I fear he will leave me. Please help me. -- CAN'T STOP DOWN SOUTH

DEAR CAN'T STOP: At this point the only thing worse than telling your husband what's been going on would be not to. People who engage in anonymous sex can carry all kinds of STDs, and you have exposed not only yourself but him to them. You both should see a doctor and be tested immediately -- and if you love him, you will give him that important message.

There is an organization that may be able to help you regain control of your life. It's Sexaholics Anonymous. It originated in 1979 and is based on the same principles as Alcoholics Anonymous.

Its Web site is www.sa.org and the e-mail address of the Sexaholics Anonymous International Central Office is saico@sa.org. Please contact them ASAP because they will take you seriously, nothing will shock them, and they may be able to help you break the news to your husband in a way that won't end your marriage.

DEAR ABBY: I am a high school secretary, and I'm writing about your reply to "Sick of It in Iowa" (Jan. 28), who is upset at the school secretaries for questioning or commenting on her frequent absences. You were right that her medical history is of no concern to the secretary, but her attendance record is very much the business of the secretary.

The principal makes the decision regarding when a student is required to bring a doctor's note with every absence. This procedure is called Persistent Absence, and it means someone has been out of school at least 25 days that school year, or has developed a pattern with his or her absences.

School rules are governed by the state. You would be surprised how many parents receive citations and must go to court because of their student's poor attendance. When a student has a chronic illness, backed by a physician's statement, the school will bend over backward to work with them, ensuring they receive the best possible education available.

It's not that I don't empathize with that young lady, but part of an education is teaching students that in the real world, they have a responsibility to maintain a good attendance record that will precede them into college, the work force and life itself. -- DIANE S., SPRING CITY, PA.

DEAR DIANE S.: Thank you for straightening me out. It appears from the mail I have received from educators and school administrative staff that my answer left something to be desired. Mea culpa. For the benefit of parents and students who may not be aware, I'll share a few more. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: For your information, many times school secretaries are charged with the unpleasant task of having to contact the truant officer, children's services and others in law enforcement if a child doesn't come to school and can't provide a valid doctor's excuse. The principal and superintendent do these jobs, but it is up to US to track these kids and make sure they attend school as they are supposed to do. -- BOTHERED IN MUNCIE, IND.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a school secretary. We are required by law to ask for a doctor's note when a student has accumulated more than five absences due to illness. When a student arrives at school more than 30 minutes late, or leaves more than 30 minutes early (three or more times), that student is considered truant.

With today's economic mess we need to know why a student is not in school. In California, schools lose more than $30 a day when a student is not in his or her seat, and that money adds up. So, yes, Abby, it IS "our business" to know a student's medical history. -- VICTORIA IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ABBY: "Sick of It" and her mother should speak to the school social worker. She may qualify for services under the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act, including an individualized education plan that could cover services such as in-home schooling, extended time on assignments and the ability to leave school with little or no warning. This is called a 504 Plan. -- KATHRYN IN NEWARK, DEL.

DEAR ABBY: The girl with frequent illness said she plays the clarinet. Has anyone suggested to her that her clarinet could be the culprit? As a band director for more than 30 years, one of the first lessons I go over with beginning or continuing students is to throw away reeds that were used prior to any illness and clean the mouthpiece thoroughly. -- SARAH JANE IN SEVERNA PARK, MD.