DEAR ABBY: I'm writing to encourage "Wants to Do Right by Mama" (Jan. 25) to honor her mother's final wishes regarding her burial attire and the position of her body. Several years ago, I sat down with my parents and we talked about their wishes for when they die. We discussed everything from the distribution of their assets to the type of funerals they want. I learned that my father would like a large tombstone, which is something I never knew, so I asked him to draw up exactly what he had in mind.

Mom and Dad have already written their obituaries for the newspaper. Mom listed all the songs to be played at her service and the flowers she wants. We visited funeral homes, and discussed coffins and services, etc. Since then, they have changed their minds several times and have now decided they prefer cremation. Everything is written down and I sent copies to my brother, who lives out of town. Both of us want to respect our parents' wishes.

It wasn't as difficult as we thought it would be, and when the time comes and everyone is emotionally spent, the arrangements will already be in place. -- JIM IN CHESTERFIELD, MO.

DEAR JIM: I congratulate you for having that important discussion with your parents. A number of readers commented on that letter. Their remarks made me smile, so I'll share. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My father wanted to be buried without any clothes on and without his dentures. His reasoning was he came into the world naked and toothless, and he wanted to go out the same way. To my brother's dismay, Daddy got his wish. He was, however, covered discreetly by a lovely blue sheet. -- MISSING DADDY

DEAR ABBY: My children know for a fact that if I'm ever unable to care for myself, they'll have to pluck out my chin hairs. Whether I'm in a nursing home or in a coffin, if there are any coarse hairs sprouting from my chin, I'll come back and haunt them. -- MARTHA IN GREEN BAY

DEAR ABBY: When we buried my mother, Dad realized his burial plot next to hers would be so close to the road that visitors might drive over it or park on his grave. So he requested that when he was interred, a nail be placed in his fist so he could reach up and pop their tires. When he passed away last August, we gave him the largest nail we could find. -- DADDY'S DAUGHTER

DEAR ABBY: Our mother saved her favorite square dancing outfit for when the angels called her, and we honored her wishes when she passed away a few months ago at the age of 89. She was completely decked out in her dress, right down to the "full" slip, shoes and six-shooter earrings. We miss her terribly, but can't help smiling when we think of her in her dress. -- DID RIGHT BY MAMA, OTHELLO, WASH.

DEAR ABBY: My great-grandma also requested that she be buried in her pajamas, but said she also wanted a fork placed in her hands. We could understand the pajamas -- given the "long sleep" -- but the fork had us stumped. She explained that when dishes were cleared after family dinners when she was growing up and dessert was on its way, her father would say, "Hold onto your fork, the best is yet to come!"

We did as my great-grandmother asked, and it helped those of us who were grieving to remember that she's now enjoying her "just desserts." -- HOLDING TIGHT TO MY FORK, SIOUX FALLS, S.D.

DEAR ABBY: I am newly single after a 30-year marriage. Would you please explain to me the protocol regarding intimacy? After how many dates is it appropriate to engage in intimacy? And afterward, should the man call the woman or the woman call the man? How long should one wait before calling? I'm afraid if I call too soon I'll appear needy, and if I wait too long to call I'll appear to be a player. -- TENTATIVE TOM IN TAMPA

DEAR TENTATIVE TOM: When an individual has reached middle age, that person is considered mature enough to know when he (or she) is comfortable enough with another person to engage in "intimacy." No time limit is engraved in stone. As to who should call whom first to offer congratulations on a fine performance, there is no reason to stand on ceremony. Everyone likes a compliment, and a prompt, "Thank you for a wonderful time; it was great," is not considered needy -- it's good manners.

DEAR ABBY: I recently experienced an awkward situation. I reconnected with an old friend I hadn't seen in about four years. The last time I saw her she was pregnant. I asked about her baby, and she informed me that he had died a few months after his birth.

She clearly found the memory sad, but at the same time had moved on. I didn't want to force her to re-experience the event by asking her what happened, but it seemed rude to abruptly change the subject to some minor matter after such sobering news.

What is the polite thing to say when someone tells you about a tragedy, but long after it happened? -- WORDS FAIL ME, PEKIN, ILL.

DEAR WORDS: The correct way to handle it would have been to say, "I'm so sorry for your loss," and let your friend decide whether to discuss it further or change the subject. In other words, let her take the lead.

DEAR ABBY: When I was married I had an affair with a married man. We had a child together, and I divorced my husband. When the affair ended, child support was never mentioned, and for the last nine years I have raised my daughter by myself.

I am recently married to a wonderful man who takes care of both of us very well. My daughter has never asked anything about her father, but I know down the road she'll want to know what happened. I don't know when I should talk to her about this, and if I should take any legal steps to claim child support. Part of me feels that I should go for it; part of me is saying I should just let it go. Your thoughts, please? -- AMBIVALENT IN PLANO, TEXAS

DEAR AMBIVALENT: The time to tell your daughter the details is when she starts asking you questions. Whether you should seek retroactive child support is something you should discuss with an attorney. While it might result in a nice chunk of change that could be put toward your daughter's college education, it could also result in the biological father's having access to the girl. And frankly, a man who not only cheats on his wife but shirks his financial responsibility to his daughter strikes me as less than a positive role model.

TO MY IRISH READERS: Have a joyous St. Patrick's Day, but if you're drinking, don't drive. And if you're driving, don't drink.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I return to my hometown at least twice a year to visit my large extended family. When I do, I have tried to make time for my oldest friend, "Judith," whom I have known since kindergarten. In the past we have gotten together for a few hours here and there -- for dinner, coffee or whatever. She's great company, and we have fun together.

I'd like to spend more time with Judith, but Mom and Dad are close to 90 and there are many other relatives on my and my husband's side to see, which takes up most of our time.

Years ago, we tried to see all our friends, but more recently we have limited it to Judith and her husband and occasionally include a mutual friend.

Judith just e-mailed me telling me to "have a nice life" because if we were "truly" friends, I'd make more time with her. She won't reply to my e-mails or return my calls.

I respect her feelings, but feel pressured by the time constraints of our brief visits home. Judith has no children, a single brother and a married brother with whom she recently reunited.

I feel like I have committed some kind of crime. I think if she was a true friend, she'd understand my predicament. Please help. -- DEEPLY HURT IN ARIZONA

DEAR HURT: Your pal Judith doesn't appear to have matured much since kindergarten. Her behavior is petulant, immature and self-centered. Although you care for her, you cannot shirk your family obligations in order to placate her. If Judith can't appreciate that you have placed your family first, it's regrettable, but please don't permit her to punish you for it. You're doing the right thing and, although you may be hurt right now, let that be your consolation.

DEAR ABBY: I have been involved with "Rich" for 4 1/2 years. We are now engaged. In the beginning, everything was great. What I didn't know was that Rich had a baby on the way. I learned about it from a young woman who knocked on our door nine months later.

Rich said he was sorry and that he'd handle it. I knew the situation would be hard to accept, but suppressed my feelings like I always do instead of being honest about it.

Now this woman comes over whenever she wants. If she's angry about something, she'll say, "I don't want my baby around HER," meaning me. She has friends who work with me, and she has spread lies about me there. She has also called my house on several occasions and has been rude and nasty.

I have tried to deal with this, but Rich's infidelity and his having a child with another woman still hurts like it happened yesterday -- and the child is now 3. Can you help me? -- NOT MOVING ON IN VIRGINIA

DEAR NOT MOVING ON: I'll try. Before things evolve any further, don't you think that it's time to be open and honest? You have unresolved anger issues to deal with, and rightfully so. That's why I strongly advise you and your fiance to start premarital and couples counseling NOW.

Did Rich know he had gotten a girl pregnant before she knocked on the door and told you? If so, then what other information might he also have forgotten to mention? And why would he tolerate the abusive behavior that the baby's mama is dishing out to you? If you want to be treated with the respect you deserve, you must assert yourself. And if you don't get it, then I advise you to ditch Rich.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)