DEAR ABBY: I return to my hometown at least twice a year to visit my large extended family. When I do, I have tried to make time for my oldest friend, "Judith," whom I have known since kindergarten. In the past we have gotten together for a few hours here and there -- for dinner, coffee or whatever. She's great company, and we have fun together.

I'd like to spend more time with Judith, but Mom and Dad are close to 90 and there are many other relatives on my and my husband's side to see, which takes up most of our time.

Years ago, we tried to see all our friends, but more recently we have limited it to Judith and her husband and occasionally include a mutual friend.

Judith just e-mailed me telling me to "have a nice life" because if we were "truly" friends, I'd make more time with her. She won't reply to my e-mails or return my calls.

I respect her feelings, but feel pressured by the time constraints of our brief visits home. Judith has no children, a single brother and a married brother with whom she recently reunited.

I feel like I have committed some kind of crime. I think if she was a true friend, she'd understand my predicament. Please help. -- DEEPLY HURT IN ARIZONA

DEAR HURT: Your pal Judith doesn't appear to have matured much since kindergarten. Her behavior is petulant, immature and self-centered. Although you care for her, you cannot shirk your family obligations in order to placate her. If Judith can't appreciate that you have placed your family first, it's regrettable, but please don't permit her to punish you for it. You're doing the right thing and, although you may be hurt right now, let that be your consolation.

DEAR ABBY: I have been involved with "Rich" for 4 1/2 years. We are now engaged. In the beginning, everything was great. What I didn't know was that Rich had a baby on the way. I learned about it from a young woman who knocked on our door nine months later.

Rich said he was sorry and that he'd handle it. I knew the situation would be hard to accept, but suppressed my feelings like I always do instead of being honest about it.

Now this woman comes over whenever she wants. If she's angry about something, she'll say, "I don't want my baby around HER," meaning me. She has friends who work with me, and she has spread lies about me there. She has also called my house on several occasions and has been rude and nasty.

I have tried to deal with this, but Rich's infidelity and his having a child with another woman still hurts like it happened yesterday -- and the child is now 3. Can you help me? -- NOT MOVING ON IN VIRGINIA

DEAR NOT MOVING ON: I'll try. Before things evolve any further, don't you think that it's time to be open and honest? You have unresolved anger issues to deal with, and rightfully so. That's why I strongly advise you and your fiance to start premarital and couples counseling NOW.

Did Rich know he had gotten a girl pregnant before she knocked on the door and told you? If so, then what other information might he also have forgotten to mention? And why would he tolerate the abusive behavior that the baby's mama is dishing out to you? If you want to be treated with the respect you deserve, you must assert yourself. And if you don't get it, then I advise you to ditch Rich.

DEAR ABBY: Last night, I attended an elegant dinner party at the home of a friend. She served a delicious meal on a table set with crystal, bone china, silver and a low centerpiece of fresh flowers. Everything was perfection -- with one exception. As soon as we were seated, our hostess's elderly Aunt "Ethel" began talking about her health, with graphic details of every symptom, every allergy and every pain she had ever endured.

Other guests tried changing the subject several times, but Aunt Ethel evidently believed she was being entertaining. Among those at the table were a lawyer, a teacher and a friend who had recently returned from living several years in Africa. Each had more to contribute in the way of conversation. But not one got the opportunity to speak more than a few words before Aunt Ethel was reminded of yet another ailment she "knew" we'd find interesting.

How does one handle an awkward situation like this? In spite of her age, the woman is essentially in good health and ours is a small town. She'll probably be present at many more dinners. -- FRUSTRATED IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR FRUSTRATED: (And I'm sure you were.) Your hostess lost control of her party. A way to have handled it would have been for her to say to Aunt Ethel, with a SMILE: "That's very interesting, Aunt Ethel, but I invited everyone to come here for a reason -- so each person can tell us what they've been doing since we were last together, since I know a lot has been going on." Then she should have started around the table.

DEAR ABBY: When my husband, "Vic," and I met, we discussed having children. Although he is 25 years my senior, he was in accord with my desire to have kids. He even said we should have them right away because he is so much older.

I have had reproductive issues in the past, so before we married I went through several tests to verify that I could conceive a child. Three months after the wedding, Vic told me he had "changed his mind" and no longer wants a child. (He has one from a previous relationship.) When I told him how upset his decision made me, he said he would be "dying soon" and then I'll be able to have all the children I want.

I'm not sure where things should go from here. I feel Vic lied to me and never intended to have another child. Aside from this issue and a few others, he's a good husband. He would be there for me until one of us dies, but I don't know if I can settle for that. Vic refuses counseling, and when I told him I was going to go alone, he made me feel like it was the dumbest idea ever. Please help. -- LONGS FOR MOTHERHOOD IN LOUISIANA

DEAR LONGS FOR MOTHERHOOD: You are asking yourself very important questions, and talking about the decisions you are facing with someone who is not emotionally involved isn't a dumb idea -- it's an intelligent one. However, right now you have another issue that needs to be addressed. When your husband told you he would be dying soon, did you ask him exactly what he meant by that? If he was being literal, you may have your hands full for a while. And counseling to help you through that would be beneficial, too.

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DEAR ABBY: "Oscar" and I have been married for three years. We have had many ups and downs and a few near-separations, but we're now on a better path and working hard on our relationship.

Because my friends have seen the rocky times Oscar and I have been through, they are not as nice to him as I'd like. In particular, this applies to my best friend, "Tish," and her husband.

I have tried many times to get us together on double dates, but they always refuse. They socialize with other couples, but refuse to associate with Oscar and me beyond birthday and holiday celebrations.

I'd love to have my friends and my husband all together for other social functions. What can I do, if anything? -- IN THE MIDDLE IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR IN THE MIDDLE: Frankly, you can forget having the idealized relationship with Tish and her husband that you're looking for. When you confided all the ups and downs you were experiencing with Oscar to them, they lost respect for him. Whether your husband will ever earn it back is questionable. Sometimes that's the price you pay when you unload your marital problems on your friends instead of working them out with your husband and a counselor.

DEAR ABBY: I recently canceled a party that has been an annual event. I did it because, of 20 invitations I mailed out, only three individuals bothered to respond by the requested RSVP date. This has happened before, and I am tired of trying to guess how many will attend.

Some years I have been left with too much food, which went to waste. Other years there wasn't enough to go around. Now, some of the invitees are upset. I am getting comments like, "I was going to reply," or "You know we ALWAYS come, so we didn't think we needed to reply." I have also received e-mails bemoaning the fact that I have ruined what was always a fun event.

I refuse to allow them to bully me into throwing the party or feel like an ogre for canceling it. And no, I am not asking for advice. I just needed a place to vent about the cluelessness that seems rampant in our society. -- NOT A PSYCHIC IN ST. LOUIS, MO.

DEAR NOT A PSYCHIC: Because you're not asking for my advice, I won't offer any. However, I'm glad you wrote to vent because that's what I'm here for, and it gives me a chance to remind readers that when they receive an invitation with "RSVP" on it, the RSVP means they should inform their prospective host as soon as possible whether or not they will attend. Not to do so is rude, rude, rude.

DEAR ABBY: My work with seniors often places me in contact with caregivers for loved ones with Alzheimer's. One woman told me about a gift she received from her son that I think is worth passing along.

Abby, he gave her "Tuesdays." He boxed the word, wrapped it nicely and ceremoniously presented it to her. Now, every Tuesday, she can participate in her church group without having to worry about rushing home to take care of her husband. She can have lunch with her friends, or do whatever she wants. She said that it's the best gift she has ever received. -- JANE IN MENLO PARK, CALIF.

DEAR JANE: Her son's gift shows compassion and insight. What he really gave his mother was the gift of peace of mind, and it is one that may add years -- and quality -- to her life.