DEAR ABBY: When I first met my husband of two years, "Phil," he owned his own home, kept it spotless and his yard neat, prepared his own meals and did his laundry. Those qualities made him stand out from the many spoiled "Mama's boys" I had dated in the past.

Now that we're married it's like he has amnesia. He has "forgotten" how to operate the washing machine, scrub a toilet or wash a dish. He hasn't cleaned the bathroom once since our wedding, washes only one load of laundry a week (his own work uniforms) and performs other domestic tasks only if I ask repeatedly. I don't enjoy nagging him.

I teach school and attend graduate school at night, so I'm just as exhausted at the end of the day as he is, even though his labor is more physical. I know this problem is nothing new, but I am hoping you can offer some insight or advice. Why do so many men feel entitled to flop on the couch every night and expect us women to trudge through the housework into the wee hours? -- NOT THE MAID IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR NOT THE MAID: Probably because that's what they saw their mothers do, and whether it's conscious or not, they consider housework to be "women's work." However, a lot has changed over the last generation, and your mother-in-law deserves credit for equipping her son to be independent after he left her nest.

Because so many couples are both employed today, many husbands and wives share housekeeping responsibilities. And because you yourself are working the equivalent of two jobs, that's what you and your husband should be doing. Of course, that won't happen until and unless you're willing to put your foot down and impress upon him that you married him to be his partner -- not his maid -- and that if he wants a happy marriage, he's going to have to pull his share of the load.

DEAR ABBY: I'm worried about my 14-year-old granddaughter. She's a good soccer player and frequently "heads" the soccer ball. I think this could be harmful to her brain.

I have spoken to two coaches about it; they say I shouldn't worry. But I saw on the Internet that chronic traumatic brain injury has occurred in soccer and football players. What do you think? Should I pursue this concern? -- GRANDMA AND NURSE IN HOUSTON

DEAR GRANDMA: What do your granddaughter's parents have to say about this? Surely, she is not participating in a team sport without their written permission. That said, because everything one reads on the Internet isn't necessarily accurate, if you wish to pursue this, I'd recommend you start by talking to a licensed medical professional.

DEAR ABBY: I have been infatuated with a co-worker for more than a year. The problem is, he knows it and is reluctant to become more involved because we work together. We flirt constantly. We're good friends and talk almost daily about things that go way beyond work.

Everyone here knows we have a thing for each other. How do I cross over without risking our friendship? We're both single and unattached. -- INFATUATED IN DOWNEY, CALIF.

DEAR INFATUATED: More than a few romances have started in the workplace, if there is no company policy forbidding fraternization, so why not ask him to join you for dinner one evening? I can't see how that would be a risk to your friendship. His response will tell you whether or not he's just an office flirt who enjoys the sexual tension and prefers to leave things as they are.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 27 and in a three-year-long relationship that has been slowly falling apart. A year before it began, I ended a two-year union with another guy. While the two men are completely different, both relationships ended for similar reasons.

I am a successful, independent woman. Apparently, this made each one feel like less of a man. While I'm told my qualities are part of the reason I'm attractive, men want to "prove themselves" before they commit to marriage. Things usually fall apart when their career plans shift and they feel like they're starting over. I try to be supportive, but nothing works. They begin resenting me for everything I have accomplished.

I am on a path to achieve everything I can before I scale back to have children and put my family first. I have two master's degrees. I'm working on my license in a traditionally male profession. I'm on the board of directors of several nonprofits. I own my own home. But I'm beginning to be afraid I'll never have the family life I have always wanted. Should I resign myself to the fact that I can't have it all? -- SUCCESSFUL ... ON PAPER, CHARLOTTE, N.C.

DEAR SUCCESSFUL ... ON PAPER: Please don't. And don't give up and lower any of your goals, either. What you need is a man who is more secure within himself than those you have been involved with. The traditional roles of men and women have been turned upside down in the last few years, and the last thing you need is someone who would resent you if he couldn't match or surpass your achievements.

At 27 you are hardly over the hill. Keep your options open until you find someone who appreciates that a husband and wife are a team to which both bring their own strengths and weaknesses, and who will revel along with you when you succeed. As long as a couple is compatible, it doesn't matter who is the larger wage earner. Please don't settle. If you do, consider the message it will send to your daughters.

DEAR ABBY: My friend, "Gail," is estranged from her family and has no significant other. She is always trying to improve herself. She works out at a gym daily and has spent a fortune on plastic surgery.

People have told me that Gail's laugh is loud and embarrassing. Abby, it's not just her laugh that's grating, but her speaking voice is equally unpleasant. She is so loud that she has been asked to "lower the volume" in restaurants.

How can I tell her that her money would be better spent on voice lessons? -- SOUNDING OFF IN SANTA ROSA, CALIF.

DEAR SOUNDING OFF: Because your friend speaks so loudly that she has been asked to quiet down, the first thing to do is suggest to her that she have her hearing checked by an audiologist. It's possible that she is suffering from a hearing loss.

If that's not the case, then tell her that since she has done so much to improve her appearance, you think she could benefit from some sessions with a speech therapist because it would make her picture perfect. It may not be what she wants to hear, but sometimes it takes a friend to tell the unvarnished truth.

The acid test for situations like this is to ask yourself: "Is it true? Is it helpful? Is it kind?" And in this case, the answer to all three questions is yes.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am being married in August. I'm going to have my bridal portrait taken, and I need to know if I'm supposed to wear my wedding ring in the photo session or my engagement ring. Also, how soon do I need to schedule the portrait session? -- BRIDE-TO-BE, PECOS, TEXAS

DEAR BRIDE-TO-BE: Congratulations on your forthcoming nuptials. According to my wedding expert, you should schedule your wedding portrait to be taken sometime in the month before your wedding, and you should be photographed wearing only your engagement ring. Oops! That didn't come out right. You should also be wearing your wedding gown.

DEAR ABBY: I have an incredible career and was recently promoted to a position that requires frequent travel, which I love. Part of my job involves providing educational programming.

I invited my sister to help me with a couple of training sessions, and I covered the cost of her travel and meals.

Now she expects to travel with me on every trip. She has booked her own flights on two other trips already this year.

I have a hard time telling my sister no, but at the same time, I'm working when I am on these trips. I have meetings and events that I cannot include her in. She says she wants to learn "everything" about what I do so she can do it, too.

Abby, I worked more than 25 years to get to this point in my career. I would love for her to be in the same field, but she has never worked in it and doesn't always know how to talk to people. She jokes and makes inappropriate comments that leave me embarrassed and angry. How do I tell her I can't keep having her along for the ride? -- WOEFUL ROAD WARRIOR IN OHIO

DEAR ROAD WARRIOR: By stiffening your backbone, informing your sister what it was she has said -- and to whom -- that made you feel embarrassed and angry, and telling her that from now on you will be flying solo. The last thing you need at this point in your career is for her behavior to reflect on your performance. And it could.

DEAR ABBY: Recently, a question was raised about whether my mother might have been pregnant at the time of her wedding more than 30 years ago. I wasn't premature, and no, I never "did the math."

Not once in my life was there ever a hint of such a thing, and no one ever alluded to it over the years. I am shocked. Mother has been so proper all my life, and she raised my sister and me to be ladies under strict supervision. Why would she not tell us, even after we became adults -- wives and parents struggling with the same situations?

Should I let it go and respect Mother's obvious wish to keep it her own? Can I ask her without damaging our good relationship? Could there be another explanation? A big part of me wants to know the truth. -- CURIOUS IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR CURIOUS: I see nothing to be gained by bringing up something that you know could cause your mother pain or embarrassment. Because she "obviously" (your word) wishes to keep the matter private, my inclination would be to let it go.

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