DEAR ABBY: My 31-year-old son, "Joey," who needs a heart transplant, almost died a few weeks ago. The doctors told us he wouldn't make it through the weekend. I was beside myself. On what we thought was his deathbed, I told Joey I would give him anything he wanted if he pulled through. He wanted a very expensive sports car.

Well, my son pulled through, but has other physical challenges. My husband and I are sending him $500 a month until he starts receiving money from Social Security. It's the best we can do right now. The problem is, Joey keeps hounding me about the sports car. I cannot afford this gift. We have offered to have his current vehicle reconditioned or give him my year-old car with its very low mileage.

I do not want this to become an issue with my son. I have told him his heart condition is the priority and to let everything else fall into place. It's eating me alive that I can't give my son what I promised. On the other hand, his request is unreasonable. Please help. -- JOEY'S MOM IN LAS CRUCES

DEAR MOM: Unless you put a stop to it now, this WILL become an issue with your son. Surely he is in touch enough with reality that he knows your financial situation -- and if he doesn't, please inform him. While you're at it, explain that when you thought he was on his deathbed, you were out of your mind with grief -- and you can't be held to a promise made under such duress. At $500 a month, you can hardly be accused of being a withholding parent, so stop beating yourself up.

DEAR ABBY: My 21-year-old daughter, "Crystal," has been engaged to her boyfriend, "Aaron," for several months. When she was here recently I asked her to clean out some of the stuff from under her bed and in her closet. She proceeded to throw out her yearbooks, photos from high school dances -- even old journals!

It seems she had an unpleasant experience with Aaron when a roommate mentioned an old friend of hers -- a boy, but not a boyfriend. Aaron became very "hurt" by the conversation. So now Crystal wants no reminders of her past -- especially regarding other boys.

Is this normal? I don't know what to do. I wonder whether they need counseling before they marry, but I don't want to interfere. My daughter becomes angry with me over little things. She even ignored us when we asked her to come celebrate her brother's birthday. She just wants to be with her true love; nobody else seems to matter. -- A WORRIED MOM

DEAR MOM: Your idea of premarital counseling is an excellent one. Aaron appears to be extremely insecure, and your daughter is so in love she can't see the handwriting on the wall. When you invited her to celebrate her brother's birthday, did you also include her fiance? If so, and she still didn't want to come, Aaron may be trying to distance her from the family.

Assuming that Crystal intends to be married in your church, have a talk with your clergyperson about this. If there is a problem looming on the horizon, premarital counseling may bring it out -- and help them to deal with it before it gets out of hand.

DEAR ABBY: I am in my early 40s, and married with two daughters. I have a friend, "Sally," whom I have known since the third grade. We are like sisters.

Sally has been profoundly depressed for at least 15 years. She sees a therapist and a psychiatrist on a regular basis and is on medication.

My question, Abby, is what do you say to someone who calls at least once a week, for at least an hour, crying so hard I can barely understand her? She calls to tell me how sad she is and how she doesn't think anything in her life will improve. While I'm concerned for her and care about what happens to her, I don't feel I can give her any advice or guidance that her counselor/psychiatrist isn't able to give.

Short of listening and providing the proverbial shoulder to lean on, what more can I do? I feel I need to be there for her, but I also feel drained dry because this has been going on for several years. Any guidance you might offer would be greatly appreciated. -- CONCERNED FRIEND IN FLORIDA

DEAR CONCERNED: You are a supportive friend, but when Sally calls crying so hard she can hardly talk, tell her that the person she needs to be talking to is her therapist. By allowing her to vent to you, you are preventing the therapist from evaluating her while she's in crisis and giving her the tools she needs to improve. Your friend may need to have her meds adjusted or changed, and seeing Sally while she is "at the bottom" could give her therapist valuable insights. If Sally isn't capable of placing the call to her therapist, offer to do it for her.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 14-year-old girl in eighth grade. I have plenty of friends, play the clarinet and piano, and am involved in school yearbook and theater, among other things. My problem is, I get sick a lot.

No one can figure out why I can't go two weeks without picking up a virus. Because of this I am gone from school quite often. I can handle the occasional teasing I get from other kids, and my teachers are helpful. It's the two school secretaries I have a problem with.

Once, when I left school during the day because I wasn't feeling well, one of them said to me: "You need to try to be at school more. I know it's hard, but you've got to try." Other things they have said lead me to believe they think I'm faking. Now they want a note from every doctor I see. I was gone a lot last year, but they didn't enforce this.

What is appropriate in responding to their "comments"? I'd like to ask, "Is that your opinion as a secretary?" or say, "I'm doing the best I can with my situation and you're not helping." Or, I could bore them with a detailed description of my medical history, or maybe complain to the principal. What do you suggest? -- SICK OF IT IN IOWA

DEAR SICK OF IT: Your medical history is not the school secretaries' business, and you do not owe them any detailed descriptions of it. However, it's possible that the woman who advised you that you "needed to be at school more" was speaking out of concern, so try not to be defensive.

If a note from your doctor is required, you should produce one after every absence. And I recommend that you have your mother contact the principal if there are any questions about your medical status.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 16-year-old girl and I fight with my mother almost daily. It makes me sad and upset all the time, and I don't know what to do. The last fight we had was over something so dumb I don't even know why I dragged it out for so long. I said things I didn't mean -- things that were hurtful and cruel.

No child should ever treat a parent like I treat my mom. I take her love and kindness for granted, and never tell her how much I really do appreciate her. What I said to her in anger made her cry.

How can I tell or show my mom how sorry I am and how much I love her and admire her, and how can I stop myself from exploding and saying things to her that I don't mean? -- UPSET IN INDIANA

DEAR UPSET: The most direct way to make amends would be to hug your mom and apologize for flying off the handle and saying things you didn't mean. Tell her you love her and will try hard to do better because you are ashamed of your behavior and know it wasn't justified.

It's important to understand that the average person can experience frustration that leads to anger multiple times a day. Anger is a normal emotion.

The challenge that everyone faces is how not to deny the feeling, but to express it in ways that are productive for ourselves and not hurtful to others. One way to accomplish this is recognizing what pushes our buttons. What provoked you? Were you under pressure? Or were you angry about something else so you "dumped" on an innocent party (in this case, your mom) because she was handy?

In my booklet, "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It," I explain that one of the unhealthiest ways to deal with anger is to deny or repress it. However, because most of us have been trained from early childhood to suppress anger, many of us need to learn to express it appropriately.

The Anger booklet can be ordered by sending your name and mailing address, plus a check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price.

In it are suggestions for managing anger, including how to express anger in constructive ways, such as a few well-chosen words that will make your point. It takes maturity to identify and verbalize negative emotions instead of "lashing out" and saying -- or doing -- something you'll regret.

Being able to calmly say, "When you do (blank), it makes me angry," before flying off the handle will earn you respect from others. If you resort to name-calling, the other person hears only the "static" and doesn't get your message. The first step in controlling anger is to recognize that the emotion is building, to understand that there are healthy and effective ways to express it, and to diffuse it before you lose control.