DEAR ABBY: My mom has recently retired and is spending a lot of time at our home. She's constantly doing things -- emptying the washer, drying dishes. Anything that is untouched for a few minutes she'll get into. She also reorganizes our drawers and cabinets and thinks her way is best.

She even remakes the children's beds, which is part of their chores. She feels a bed needs to "air" for an hour after its occupant wakes up. When I tell her she doesn't need to do it, she says she doesn't mind -- but she's missing the point.

Mom is hurt because she feels I don't appreciate her, and I am hurt that she doesn't respect my rules. I'm grateful for everything she does, but I would like her to visit with her grandchildren and enjoy her retirement while she's at our home. What should I do? -- FRUSTRATED IN AUDUBON, PA.

DEAR FRUSTRATED: The problem isn't that your mother doesn't respect your rules. I suspect it's that she has worked all her life and isn't used to being idle. She may also feel so at home in your house that she automatically behaves as though she were in hers.

Have a chat with her and try to reach a compromise. Your drawers and cabinets should be off limits, and the children should be permitted to fulfill their chores. But if emptying the washer and drying the dishes makes her happy, let her do it and thank her for her efforts.

Your mother appears to be full of energy and have a lot of time on her hands. So why not encourage her to volunteer some of it at her church, a thrift store or a charity of her choosing? It will help her develop outside interests, meet new people and form some new friendships -- all of which will allow her less time to be "helping" you.

DEAR ABBY: My father died last year. Shortly after his funeral I sold his car to a friend in need for $200. Her husband let it slip a couple of days ago that they had discovered a cane tucked beneath the front seat with more than $300 stuffed inside. The bills had rotted, but they were able to take them to the bank and exchange them for new ones. They have spent the money.

I am torn. Shouldn't they have told me and perhaps offered to split that money? Or, since they bought the car, were all of its contents theirs? They got the car AND made $100 on the deal. -- FUMING IN WASHINGTON STATE

DEAR FUMING: You call these people friends? This isn't a matter of what would be right under the law. If they were true friends, they would have told you they had found the cane, in case it had sentimental value -- and offered you the contents as well.

DEAR ABBY: When someone I'm talking to starts to cry in front of me, I never know what to do. I often feel helpless. Should I hug the person? I usually end up just sitting there waiting for them to collect themselves. How can I comfort someone like this? -- FEELING HELPLESS IN FLORIDA

DEAR FEELING HELPLESS: Unless you know someone well, I do not recommend hugging. However, if there's a tissue available, it would be a kindness to hand it over and tell the person you're sorry he or she is hurting and if he or she needs to talk, you're willing to listen.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 40-year-old single mom who shares a close relationship with my 12-year-old son, "Troy." I earn a decent living, but I can't afford extravagances like yearly vacations.

My mother and sister are considerably better off financially than I am. They constantly suggest great ideas for vacations -- theme parks, cruises or skydiving -- in front of Troy. I always feel terrible when I must explain to him that we just can't afford it.

I provide for my son and he doesn't want for much, but when Mom and Sis bring these things up, I feel like such a failure. How can I handle this without feeling like the bad guy? -- MOM ON A TIGHT BUDGET

DEAR MOM: Your mother and sister may not fully realize your financial situation, so here's how to handle it: Have a private chat with them and TELL them that what they are suggesting is not within your budget. Then ask them to please stop doing it in front of Troy because it is hurtful to him and embarrassing to you.

DEAR ABBY: Thank you for regularly advising counseling for readers who are dealing with emotional issues. Your message is heard in mainstream America and has an impact on those who are willing to hear it.

I grew up in a small town. My mother's family was of Irish-German descent; Dad's parents came from Czechoslovakia. Mom's family showed its love by teasing, criticizing and ridiculing.

I never saw my parents show any affection toward each other or to us, although we knew we were loved. They gave us a stable, comfortable home, a solid basic education, a strong work ethic and moral values.

Counseling was only for "crazy" people, and confiding anything to Mom set us up for becoming the topic of conversation with extended family. Nothing was confidential.

When I became an adult, I desperately needed to work with a therapist because I had strong negative feelings, depression and communication issues. Abby, one reason I was brave enough to seek counseling was because I had read your consistent advice to seemingly "normal" people to see a counselor. Another factor was being 300 miles away from my hometown.

Counseling was a godsend for me. It saved my life, and I recommend it freely to friends who need help. A wise professor said: "Everyone can benefit from counseling, and it's the person who says 'not me' who probably needs it the most."

My sister and brothers never left our small town. They are afflicted with the same issues I dealt with. One brother committed suicide at 41, and my mother lives in an isolated world full of physical and emotional pain.

Talking to a mental health professional when life feels overwhelming can make the difference between life and death. I'm grateful I had the opportunity, and comforted knowing it's an available resource if I need more. Thank you again, Abby, for making a difference in my world. -- LAUREN IN VIRGINIA

DEAR LAUREN: You're welcome. I have received occasional criticism for telling readers to discuss their problems with a licensed therapist. But when I hear from someone whose problem is so serious (or complicated) that it can't be adequately dealt with in a letter or a newspaper, advising the writer to seek counseling is the most direct and honest advice I can offer.

Thank you for letting me know my advice made a positive difference and that you're doing well. It's the most meaningful reward any adviser can receive.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My problem is the relationship I have with my brother. We're both in our 40s and married. Over the last few years our relationship has deteriorated.

We live in different states, and I see him once a year when I visit Mom. I call him in between, but he never returns my calls. When we do get together, he makes it clear that he'd rather be somewhere else. It makes me sad because we have a small family and I'd like to be closer -- like we were in the past.

Mom is in her 80s and lives alone in the house we grew up in. She has lived by herself for more than 20 years. Although she's very active, the house has become a burden. She and I have talked about selling it and her moving to a senior residence close to me. She is thrilled with the idea.

I am afraid my brother will make a fuss and try to discourage the process, since Mom would be moving out of state. I'll be going to visit Mom soon to help with some jobs around the house. How do I get through to my brother that this would be a progressive move for Mom? -- SENSIBLE SIBLING IN MINNESOTA

DEAR SENSIBLE SIB: You're behaving as if the decision is yours and your brother's to make. If your mother is "thrilled" with the idea of being closer to you, it's possible that your brother and his wife are less involved in her life than you think. When you go to visit and your brother comes by acting as if he'd rather be elsewhere, start a family discussion on the subject and don't let him hijack it. Your mother's wishes should prevail.

P.S. I don't know whether you and your brother will be able to re-establish the closeness you once had or the reason you drifted apart. But a mediator might be able to help if you both are willing.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 22-year-old married woman in Canada. I moved from the United States to be with my husband when I was 19. People seem to react negatively because we married at such a young age. I am often asked, "What do your parents think about that?"

Abby, my mother died when I was 17 and I have had little contact with my father since I was 12 because he was abusive. I was fortunate that my grandmother took me in. She loves my husband and has no problem with my marriage as she knows I am wise beyond my years because of my past.

How can I respond to these strangers -- first about their negative reaction to my having married so young, and second, to their questions about my parents? I don't like telling strangers about my mother's passing away because it is still painful after all these years. -- NO PARENTS IN CALGARY

DEAR NO PARENTS: Ah, the thoughtless questions people come up with about things that are none of their business! You do not have to give a stranger chapter and verse about your family history. Just smile, say, "I was raised by my grandmother, and she didn't have a problem with it," then change the subject immediately by asking the person a question about her- or himself.

DEAR ABBY: When riding in a car, who gets to select the radio station? Is it the driver/owner of the vehicle or the passenger? -- LIKES TO LISTEN IN FRESNO, CALIF.

DEAR LIKES TO LISTEN: Usually it's the driver or owner. However, if you would like to listen to a station other than the one that's on, politely ask if you can change the station and the driver/owner may accommodate you.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)