life

Couple's Family Planning Is Headed for Serious Crash

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 23rd, 2009 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married two wonderful years. I was recently in a serious car accident and am currently unable to drive. The person who mainly drives me around is my husband, but sometimes friends and family take me to my appointments or to run errands. Recently my husband announced that he will no longer take me to buy my birth control pills because he's ready to have a child and doesn't want to wait.

Since I am out of work, I have no money of my own and must rely solely on him for support. Because he is no longer willing to provide me with the funds to buy birth control, I am unable to ask anyone else to give me a ride to the pharmacy. When we have sex, he refuses to use protection.

Although I want children in the future, I do not feel ready to have any now. We married young and still have years ahead of us to get pregnant and be active parents.

Please tell me what to do. I'm afraid if I refuse to have a baby with him he will leave or, when I am ready, decide our time to start a family has passed. I love him and would do anything for him. Should I just give in, and is it really worth a fight? -- NOT QUITE READY IN COLORADO

DEAR NOT QUITE READY: You and your husband need professional mediation NOW. You should not be strong-armed into having a child, which is what your husband is attempting to do. Women who become pregnant under the circumstances you have described often feel trapped and resentful, which can negatively affect their ability to parent. If you were so seriously injured in the accident that you can't drive or work, it's questionable that you are even healthy enough to start a pregnancy.

What's happening is all wrong, and my alarm bells are blaring. If this is the way joint decisions are made in your marriage, there is real serious trouble ahead for you. So no, you should not just give in, and yes, it really is worth a fight -- or, at the very least, further discussion.

life

Dear Abby for December 23, 2009

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 23rd, 2009 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My sister-in-law is in the process of losing weight. We're all very proud of her.

The problem is, whenever we are around her, she goes on and on about what she did or did not eat that day. She also gives us disapproving looks or makes unwelcome comments about what we are eating.

We have tried to gently change the subject, but it always goes back to food. Is there anything we can do or say to stop this without hurting her feelings? -- HUNGRY FOR ADVICE IN LONGVIEW, TEXAS

DEAR HUNGRY FOR ADVICE: When someone is dieting, her (or his) life is centered on food -- food that is allowed, food that is forbidden, etc. In fact, in many cases when people diet, they become more focused on and more obsessed with food than folks who are bingeing.

As long as your sister-in-law is dieting, she probably won't change. Only when she accepts that her new eating habits have become her lifestyle will food stop being uppermost in her thoughts.

Because her constant harping makes you uncomfortable, gently recommend that she join a weight-loss support group. There she will receive positive feedback from others who are experiencing her journey -- and with luck you'll be subjected to fewer of the details.

life

Daughter Must Cut Off Access to Stop Nosy Mom

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 22nd, 2009 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My mother is my best friend, but I can't stop yelling at her for invading my privacy. I have just learned that she has read all my journals since I was 9. She also figured out all my passwords to my e-mail, online blogs and social network accounts.

I have lived away from home for six years. I no longer feel I can leave my mother alone in my apartment because she goes through my text messages, call list, letters, bills, bank statements, etc. I have now stopped writing, which was my only outlet of expression, because of her snooping. She says I hurt her feelings when I yell, but I have reached the end of my rope.

I have had calm conversations with her about this. She always promises that she'll stop, but she never does. Abby, she has no reason to snoop -- I talk to her 20 times a day. How can I keep this from ruining our relationship? -- MAD IN MANHATTAN

DEAR MAD: You say you talk to your mother 20 times a day? Doesn't that seem to you to be somewhat excessive? You say she snoops when she's alone in your apartment. How is she gaining unsupervised entry?

Speaking as an unbiased outsider, I think some separation from your mother would be healthy for both of you. So change your passwords, put your financial information under lock and key, and cut the umbilical cord. It's long overdue.

life

Dear Abby for December 22, 2009

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 22nd, 2009 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have a male friend who was raised with beautiful manners and always opens a door for a lady. The last time we spoke, he told me he had opened a door for a woman and she told him off! She said she didn't need any "help," that she was capable of opening her own doors, and it should have been obvious that she wasn't disabled -- among other things.

My friend didn't know what to say. I told him to just ignore what she said. Was there a polite comeback for him? -- STUMPED FOR AN ANSWER

DEAR STUMPED: No, not unless he wanted to get into a spitting contest with a viper. You say your friend was raised to open doors for ladies. Well, it appears he opened a door for a woman who wasn't one. Please tell him not to give up because anyone with manners would have said thank you and appreciated the gesture. I know I would have.

life

Dear Abby for December 22, 2009

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 22nd, 2009 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for 27 years and are raising four children. During a recent visit to my in-laws, I noticed a picture hanging on their wall that we had used as our engagement photo. Abby, the picture had been altered. My portion was cut out! I was shocked and would like to know your thoughts. Should I say something about it, or ignore this obvious slight and move on? -- APPARENT OUT-LAW IN HOUSTON

DEAR OUT-LAW: You say you have been married to their son for 27 years and this the first time you've noticed it? If so, ignore it. However, if the alteration is recent, and you suspect there may be fences that need mending, the next time you pay them a visit, walk over to the picture, say: "Oh, that's our engagement picture. But something seems to be missing. Why ... it's ME. Should I take this as a message?" Then be quiet and listen.

life

Mom's Candor With Kids Makes Her Friends Uneasy

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 21st, 2009 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have two terrific children, ages 6 and 8. I am honest and open with them about everything. For their ages, they are well-informed about sex, drugs and alcohol.

Some of my friends and neighbors have a problem with my children asking questions in front of them, and with me for giving them honest and age-appropriate answers.

I have been told I am giving them too much information and "oversexualizing" and "overeducating" my children. This is not the way I view it. Everything I say is at a level my children can comprehend, and I don't give more details than I need to. My kids know that drugs are bad and how to identify them in order to refuse them. They also know how alcohol and tobacco affect the human body, how babies are "made" and where they come from.

I believe that honesty is a better policy than "wait until you're older and we'll discuss this." Am I right, or are my friends and neighbors correct? -- PROACTIVE MOM IN WASHINGTON

DEAR MOM: You are. If children have questions, they should know they can come to their mother for straight answers -- regardless of what is being asked. By providing honest information in terms they can understand, you are showing your children that you are open, honest, unembarrassed -- and that they can be, too. Good for you!

life

Dear Abby for December 21, 2009

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 21st, 2009 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: For 14 years I suffered extreme mental and physical abuse from my parents. It led to chronic depression and self-destructive behavior, until I finally sought the help of a therapist. With talk therapy and medication, I am finally on stronger footing.

I am 34 now and much better off since I have severed all contact with my parents. My problem is how to convince my aunts that this is what is best for me, and that I am not an "ungrateful daughter" for choosing to have no contact with either parent. I no longer have the energy for their crazy drama. Am I "ungrateful" because of what I have done? -- HEALTHIER NOW IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR HEALTHIER: No, not considering your family history, and assuming the decision to cut off contact with your parents was made with the help of your therapist. If that's the case, then what you have done is to protect yourself from further emotional abuse.

Do your aunts know what you suffered while growing up? If so, they should clearly understand that you are doing only what you must in order to maintain mental stability. And if they don't, explain it to them, and don't apologize or allow them to make you feel guilty.

life

Dear Abby for December 21, 2009

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 21st, 2009 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I work in an office with more than 30 employees. Two weeks ago an envelope was sent around seeking our mandatory contributions to give gifts to the partners of the office "to show our appreciation."

I was always taught one never "gifts up" the chain of command. I show my appreciation each day by being a good employee. Am I wrong? -- BLACKMAILED IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR BLACKMAILED: I don't think so. It appears you and your fellow employees are being ordered to pony up in order to keep your job. And by the way, "mandatory contribution" is an oxymoron.

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