DEAR ABBY: My wife and I are involved in a power struggle with my brother. At Christmas we invite him and his family to our home. We try to make our Christmas dinner fun and festive, so a lot of planning goes into the menu.

Every year, a day or two before the event, my brother calls to ask what's on the menu, then offers his unwanted opinion on what we should or shouldn't serve.

Last year he told me he wouldn't be able to enjoy the meal because we weren't serving one of the items he feels is "traditional" in our family. He says he's family so he's entitled to make suggestions. When I was unwilling to accommodate his "simple" request, he got upset. I'm on the verge of not inviting his family in the future. Who is right? -- OFFENDED IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR OFFENDED: You are. Your brother may be family, but his behavior is childish and impolite. When he calls this year and starts the drill, if he tells you he doesn't think he will enjoy the meal if he can't dictate the menu, serve him a dose of reality. Tell him that your menu is already set and if he wants something in addition he can prepare it and bring it with him -- or make other plans.

DEAR ABBY: When my in-laws moved to town, we exchanged keys in case of emergencies. The problem is they never call prior to using our key. Although they do nice things, like dropping off gifts or plants, when I see something on the counter that wasn't there before I left home, I feel invaded. They drop off these "presents" specifically when no one is home.

Abby, they are retired and could drop things off when we are home and the children can see them and visit with them.

I was taught not to use a key unless specifically instructed to do so or for an emergency. My neighbors and I have called regarding perishables that need to be dropped off, so why can't family? My husband thinks my feelings are off base and that family is forgiven for almost everything. Please advise, as I am about to change the locks. -- INVADED IN MISSISSIPPI

DEAR INVADED: Before changing the locks, have a chat with your in-laws and explain that coming home and finding things that weren't there when you left makes you uncomfortable. Tell them you would prefer they not come in without giving you prior notice. Your feelings are valid, and your husband might feel similarly if it was your parents coming in rather than his. If your wishes are disregarded, then change the locks.

DEAR ABBY: Please settle a dispute between me and my husband. I became upset when we were discussing an idea having to do with his job and he immediately began texting it to a co-worker. I find it offensive when someone looks at his (or her) cell phone rather than at me while we're talking.

My husband says if you text someone during a conversation that it's not an interruption and "it only takes a second." I say texting in the middle of any conversation is rude, regardless of its relevance or brevity. Please advise. -- TO TEXT OR NOT TO TEXT IN BOULDER, COLO.

DEAR T.T. OR NOT T.T.: I agree with you. But if your husband doesn't want to hear it from you, I guarantee he'll resist accepting the message from me. I was raised with the premise that when in conversation, people should give each other their undivided attention and look each other in the eye. Taking "just a sec" to dash off a text -- or read one -- may be convenient, but it's impolite to the person you're with.

DEAR ABBY: It's that time of year again when parents take their kids to see Santa. As a professional Santa's helper for many years, may I offer some suggestions?

Let your children approach Santa on their own. Do not force your child to sit on Santa's lap. Santa has been seen in books and on TV, but he is now real, big and loud. That can be scary to a child. If he or she wants to stand at a distance and talk to Santa, that is OK. Sometimes just holding the child and standing next to Santa is all it takes for a child to warm up to the idea of sitting on his lap.

If your little one is upset and you want a picture with Santa, have someone else snap the photo while you stand by your child. Let Santa talk to your children while you hold their hands. Santa (if any good) will pace the visit and stop it if it's taking too long. If children are afraid, do not let Santa grab at them to put them on his lap. That will only make the problem worse.

I hope this helps to make the visit easier. -- SANTA'S HELPER IN CENTRAL ILLINOIS

DEAR SANTA'S HELPER: Ho-ho-ho! Thank you for being ABBY's helper today. I hope parents will take your sound suggestions to heart when introducing their little ones to the jolly man in the red suit.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a retired waitress who worked for years in a family restaurant. Many elderly people would come in alone, and I could see they were hungry for conversation as well as food, so I'd talk to them as much as possible.

As the restaurant became more crowded, I had less time to chat, so I set up a table for four and asked the seniors if they might like to sit at the "senior table." So many of the customers said yes that it turned into a table for 12!

It would be great if restaurants would set up senior tables so everyone could have a dinner partner if they wanted to visit. It's also a great way to make new friends. Now that I'm a senior myself I notice a lot of us sit alone, watching families enjoy being together. -- KATHY IN BREMERTON, WASH.

DEAR KATHY: You're a sweet and compassionate woman. A few years ago I heard about some restaurants here in Los Angeles offering a "community dining" table for singles -- but they were intended to help young singles mingle. Your idea of a table for solo seniors is a good one, and I hope restaurateurs agree and give it a try. Food tastes better when it's seasoned with good fellowship.

DEAR ABBY: My ex-wife recently remarried and has decided to keep my last name and hyphenate it with her new husband's. She says she's doing it "for the sake of our children."

I don't buy that for a minute, Abby. She was unfaithful many times during our marriage, and I want her to stop using my name so some dignity and honor can be restored to it.

Do you agree that she should drop my name, or does she have a right to it? -- WANTS MY NAME BACK IN MAINE

DEAR WANTS: Although I understand your anger, try to take comfort in the fact that your ex still finds prestige in the association with you. Honor and dignity will be restored to your name by the way you and the children conduct yourselves in the future.

P.S. As long as your ex is not trying to defraud anyone, she has the right to use the name you gave her. Accept it and move on.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

DEAR ABBY: How do you explain to a man how uncomfortable hot flashes are? I'm a perimenopausal woman who has been married for 12 years to a sweet husband who loves to "snuggle." But when I'm having a hot flash, the last thing I want is a warm body touching me. My husband thinks I'm "mean" and that I'm one of those "freaky females."

How can I make him understand that hot flashes happen, and that it should be OK for me to ask for some space until the feeling passes? -- HOT FLASH HILDA

DEAR HILDA: Start with the basics. Tell him (if he hasn't already noticed) that when a woman experiences a hot flash, her skin suddenly feels intensely warm and she often begins to perspire -- sometimes profusely. The feeling of heat can be so strong that some women suddenly remove their jackets, and others also feel an overwhelming urge to remove their jewelry. Fortunately, the feeling usually passes within a few minutes.

If your husband doesn't get the message, then preheat your oven to 450 degrees for 15 minutes, open the door and ask him to lean in. Ladies, have you anything to add?

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are in our 80s. For many years we used to entertain during the holidays. Now we wonder where all our former guests have disappeared to.

Our annual parties grew to include more than 80 friends. Dinner was prepared by a chef; we had a bartender and a pianist. People said they looked forward to those gatherings year after year.

We never expected anyone to entertain us in the same way, yet even being asked out for hamburgers would have been such a treat. Very few reciprocated in any way except to bring a few bottles of wine. We miss them and wonder if people realize that a simple get-together is always appreciated. -- FOOD FOR THOUGHT, SPARKS, NEV.

DEAR FOOD FOR THOUGHT: Some of the guests you entertained so beautifully may have been intimidated because it was done on such a grand scale. But if my mail is any indication, it also appears many people have "forgotten" that there is a social obligation that goes with accepting invitations, and that the guests must reciprocate with an invitation of some sort in return.

DEAR ABBY: I work at a public library and live not far from where I work. A lot of people who use the library live in my apartment building and I run into them often. These people never hesitate to stop me when I'm clearly off the clock to ask me a slew of library questions.

I confess I'm a bit of a doormat, and I'm afraid to ask them to leave me alone. Is there a way to tell those people to quit harassing me when I'm not working? I'd feel so much better about myself if I learned how. -- THE ANSWER LADY

DEAR ANSWER LADY: Look the person in the eye and say, "That may take some researching, but I'll be glad to answer that when I'm at the library. Ask me then."

However, if you can't find the courage to say this, then what you need more than an answer from an advice columnist is assertiveness training. A psychologist can give you a referral or some pointers.