DEAR ABBY: Your advice to "Smart Seventh-Grader" (Sept. 26) was supportive, but did not address the heart of her problem. Many years ago I was that little girl. No one had explained to me there is a difference between knowing the answer to the teacher's questions and knowing how to THINK.

Her teachers and friends already know she knows all the answers. She has nothing to prove, so you should have told her to set herself an intellectual goal of asking questions in class that will spark the imaginations of other students and deepen the discussion.

When she can't do that, she can sit quietly and let the teacher interact with others who don't already know all the material. If she does, her teachers will bless her today, and she will bless you for the rest of her life.

No one likes to be around a know-it-all, and the sooner she learns that lesson the happier she'll be. -- BARBARA, A LIBRARIAN IN NEW YORK

DEAR BARBARA: While I hate to see any child hide his or her light under a barrel, you are right about the importance of children developing social and coping skills. I received a blitz of e-mail from teachers and parents who echoed your sentiments. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: As a teacher of 30 years, allow me to provide another response to "Smart Seventh-Grader." It's entirely possible that the student who accused her of being a "know-it-all" is one who would like to answer.

Does she raise her hand to answer every question the teacher asks? Some kids are intimidated by it, so she should limit herself so others also have a chance to answer. They need a chance to shine, too.

When kids stop raising their hands because one person always does, it's hard for the teacher to ignore the one kid. But teachers want others to learn, too. The ability to listen to others and share opportunities for learning will make her a better person. -- SOUTH CAROLINA TEACHER

DEAR ABBY: I am an adult now, but I was once that child. Grades came easily to me, and sometimes other kids made fun of me for being so smart. I purposely missed answers on tests at times to avoid getting a perfect score and being teased. I wanted to fit in. I learned early that intelligence was not something to be prized.

When I was older and began dating, I remember my mom telling me boys didn't like girls who were smarter or who beat them at sports or games. So I began hiding the gifts and talents God had blessed me with. I married young to a man who was intimidated by my intelligence, so I hid it away piece by piece until even I began to doubt my capabilities.

Then one day something happened that changed everything. I was granted another gift -- a daughter who was blessed with a beautifully intelligent mind and reminded me of myself as a child. I saw her watch my every step and try to be like me. It was then that I realized I had to own and embrace my intelligence or she would hide hers and allow others to steal it away piece by piece.

Abby, it was life-changing. It has caused difficulties in my marriage because I suddenly changed the rules of the game, and I no longer allow myself to be less so that someone else can be more -- but that change needed to happen.

May I share with "Smart Seventh-Grader" some of what I have shared with my daughter? NEVER hide your God-given talents to make someone else feel better. When people tease you about being smart, they're showing their own insecurity. Don't be afraid to answer questions, but don't "show off." Life is a balance. Embrace your intelligence and view it as the gift it is. If you let it shine, it will take you far. -- OLDER AND WISER IN INDIANA

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Bud," and I have been married more than 50 years. It has been a great half-century. We have good jobs and a fantastic family.

A problem has arisen recently that I need advice about. When I met Bud, I wasn't a virgin. I wasn't promiscuous, but I did end several dates with a "grand finale." Bud knew about it and was OK with it then, and he's still OK with it now. But he keeps asking me to describe those dates down to the most intimate detail. He says they are part of our "family history," just like our school activities and other events with family and friends before we started going together. I'm not sure I can remember everything, but Bud wants to hear about those things I can recall. What do you think about this? -- CAUGHT OFF GUARD

DEAR CAUGHT: I'd be fascinated to know why, after more than 50 years, your husband is suddenly pumping you for the information. Could he find the idea of you and another man titillating? To me, "family history" begins when a couple forms a family, not before.

If discussing the subject of your premarital sexual experiences makes you uncomfortable, then don't take the bait because if you do, I have a hunch your husband will never stop fishing.

DEAR ABBY: Would it be improper of me to write the owners of a house we are buying to thank them for selling it to us? My wife and I keep getting conflicting answers.

They have small children, so they're probably moving to a bigger place to accommodate their children. Selling us their house is allowing us the opportunity of starting a family like they did.

What do you think? Should we send it to them directly or to their real estate agent? We don't want to overstep our boundaries. -- SOON-TO-BE HOMEOWNER IN PHILADELPHIA

DEAR SOON-TO-BE HOMEOWNER: There may be reasons the owners are selling the house that have nothing to do with the fact that their children are growing. While the idea of a thank-you note is sweet, it would be better to wait until the sale is complete and you have lived in it awhile before writing. If you still feel the same a few months after you're in, then by all means share your gratitude and have the note forwarded to them by their real estate agent.

DEAR ABBY: I have a good friend whose husband is isolating her from family and friends. He's a counselor, and he uses his training as a psychologist to convince her that none of her friends are to be trusted. He twists anything we do or say to keep her at a distance from us.

He tells her she's a horrible mother and a terrible person in general, and she believes him. I think she has been brainwashed.

He also hits on other women regularly, myself included. When I tried to tell my friend what he did, she refused to believe me because he already told her his version of the story and made it look like it was my fault.

Is there any way to help a woman who is being held mentally captive by her husband? -- DISTRAUGHT FRIEND

DEAR DISTRAUGHT: One way to begin would be to approach her as a group and tell her you are all concerned and that you care about her. Tell her often that you are there for her and always will be, and that you know she's a terrific person and a wonderful, caring parent. Point out that only two people in the world think otherwise, and that's her husband and her. And repeat that you're afraid she's being verbally and emotionally abused until she finally hears you.

DEAR ABBY: Our son lived with his girlfriend for several years. They had a beautiful daughter together but split up a year and a half later. His ex-girlfriend now lives with another man, and they have a new baby girl. They'll probably get married.

Our granddaughter is now 5 and we pick her up, take her places and do things with her. We also buy her the usual gifts for her birthday and holidays. We travel frequently and bring her souvenirs from our travels.

Now that she has a baby sister, are we obligated to do the same for her? Or should we continue doing for our granddaughter only? What is the proper thing here? -- HELP NEEDED IN ALABAMA

DEAR HELP NEEDED: Put yourself in the position of the younger sister and imagine how she will feel when she's older and she's left behind or forgotten. If you exclude her completely, I guarantee it will cause resentment and division between the girls, so open your heart. Be inclusive and generous -- not only for her sake, but also for your granddaughter's.

DEAR ABBY: Our son lived with his girlfriend for several years. They had a beautiful daughter together but split up a year and a half later. His ex-girlfriend now lives with another man, and they have a new baby girl. They'll probably get married.

Our granddaughter is now 5 and we pick her up, take her places and do things with her. We also buy her the usual gifts for her birthday and holidays. We travel frequently and bring her souvenirs from our travels.

Now that she has a baby sister, are we obligated to do the same for her? Or should we continue doing for our granddaughter only? What is the proper thing here? -- HELP NEEDED IN ALABAMA

DEAR HELP NEEDED: Put yourself in the position of the younger sister and imagine how she will feel when she's older and she's left behind or forgotten. If you exclude her completely, I guarantee it will cause resentment and division between the girls, so open your heart. Be inclusive and generous -- not only for her sake, but also for your granddaughter's.