DEAR ABBY: I have a good friend whose husband is isolating her from family and friends. He's a counselor, and he uses his training as a psychologist to convince her that none of her friends are to be trusted. He twists anything we do or say to keep her at a distance from us.

He tells her she's a horrible mother and a terrible person in general, and she believes him. I think she has been brainwashed.

He also hits on other women regularly, myself included. When I tried to tell my friend what he did, she refused to believe me because he already told her his version of the story and made it look like it was my fault.

Is there any way to help a woman who is being held mentally captive by her husband? -- DISTRAUGHT FRIEND

DEAR DISTRAUGHT: One way to begin would be to approach her as a group and tell her you are all concerned and that you care about her. Tell her often that you are there for her and always will be, and that you know she's a terrific person and a wonderful, caring parent. Point out that only two people in the world think otherwise, and that's her husband and her. And repeat that you're afraid she's being verbally and emotionally abused until she finally hears you.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 43-year-old woman who has never been married. My boyfriend, "Phil" -- with whom I share a wonderful relationship -- has been divorced three times and has made it clear he does not want to marry again.

We're in the process of buying a home together, and I cannot let go of the hope that one day we'll live in it as husband and wife. It has always been my dream to find that one "right" person and settle down. In my eyes, Phil is that special person. I feel cheated that because of his failed marriages my hopes and dreams don't matter.

Phil loves me and is good to me, but I have mixed emotions. I feel that having shared an exclusive relationship for two years and the fact that we are now buying a house together means we should be married. Must I accept the relationship we have? -- DREAM LOVER IN MINNESOTA

DEAR DREAM LOVER: No. What you must accept is that your dream and Phil's are not the same. You yearn for commitment, something which from his track record it appears Phil has trouble with.

If marriage is what you really want, you're betting on the wrong horse, and before investing in something as expensive as a home, I urge you to discuss this significant financial commitment with an attorney to ensure that your interests are fully protected.

DEAR ABBY: Our son lived with his girlfriend for several years. They had a beautiful daughter together but split up a year and a half later. His ex-girlfriend now lives with another man, and they have a new baby girl. They'll probably get married.

Our granddaughter is now 5 and we pick her up, take her places and do things with her. We also buy her the usual gifts for her birthday and holidays. We travel frequently and bring her souvenirs from our travels.

Now that she has a baby sister, are we obligated to do the same for her? Or should we continue doing for our granddaughter only? What is the proper thing here? -- HELP NEEDED IN ALABAMA

DEAR HELP NEEDED: Put yourself in the position of the younger sister and imagine how she will feel when she's older and she's left behind or forgotten. If you exclude her completely, I guarantee it will cause resentment and division between the girls, so open your heart. Be inclusive and generous -- not only for her sake, but also for your granddaughter's.

DEAR ABBY: I'm writing about the letter you printed from "Right or Wrong in Wisconsin" (Nov. 9). My co-workers and I had a field day with the issue of the father shaving while his 12-year-old daughter takes her morning shower.

The women here were pretty much unanimous in agreeing with your response, while the men mostly thought there was nothing wrong. As a man writing to you, my opinion may seem a little biased, but please try to keep an open mind.

I assume that this gentleman has raised his daughter since birth, and that he changed "Lia's" diapers and bathed her when she was younger. It's ridiculous that at the young age of 12 it is suddenly inappropriate for her father to have a conversation with her (presumably) through a shower curtain.

I could understand the mother (whom he never referred to as his wife) being concerned if he was simply in the bathroom to dish about the day's issues. But that wasn't the case. He was shaving. We don't see a problem with that. We men agree that if this wasn't an issue that Lia herself raised because she was uncomfortable, then it probably shouldn't be an issue at all. -- DISAGREES IN TOPEKA, KAN.

DEAR DISAGREES: I did not mean to start a war of the sexes in your workplace, so allow me to clarify the issue from my perspective. "Right or Wrong" appears to be a caring father, or he wouldn't have written me. He views his daughter as his "little girl." But at age 12, Lia is an emerging young woman both physically and emotionally. She is in transition, and her father may not recognize that fact. At 12, many girls start their periods and their breasts begin developing. Lia's mother may have noticed these changes in her daughter.

What this presents is a teachable moment -- and an opportunity for a family discussion to talk about what's happening. Among the issues Lia will face in the next few years are decisions she'll have to make about drinking, drugs, sex, respect and modesty. While other cultures have a more liberal view regarding modesty, ours is less so.

And remember, it's not as though sharing the bathroom in that family is a necessity. There are two bathrooms in that house, and I think it's time one of them began using the one downstairs. If that makes me a fuddy-duddy, so be it. It's still my opinion.

DEAR ABBY: My friend recently committed suicide and although I'm still mad at times, I'm no longer sad all the time. My problem is I'm having a hard time dealing with stress.

Before, when things got hard or my workload went up, I'd work harder to get it done. Now I just become overwhelmed and all I want to do is go to bed. Is this normal? I have never had a friend die before. -- SAD IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR SAD: Please accept my sympathy for your loss. When someone close to me suffers an emotional shock -- and the death of a friend or loved one qualifies as one -- I remind him or her that shock can affect not only the emotions but also the body. That's why it's important to get extra rest and eat properly.

When a person grieves, it's not unusual to be less resilient, so listen to your body. When you become overwhelmed, chicken soup and extra rest may be in order, and it's not a cliche. However, if these feelings persist for more than a few weeks, please discuss them with your doctor because they could be a symptom of a treatable form of depression.

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DEAR ABBY: I am 25 and dated a woman I'll call "Brenda" for about five years. She dumped me soon after college graduation with no explanation. All she said was she "needed to be alone for a while," but she could see herself marrying me and having kids with me "eventually." I accepted it and tried to move on.

Brenda has stayed in touch for the last two years, but we have not been together or intimate. She calls me nearly every night before she goes to bed. I never call her or go to her house.

I talk to her because I don't want to be rude, but I'd prefer not to. I mean, what's the point? When we split, I told her I didn't want contact, but she seemed so devastated when I said it that I backed off.

Would it be wrong for me to completely cut off communication? How do I do it nicely? I loved Brenda once, but her constant calls don't allow me closure. Even if she asked me now to get back together, I wouldn't. She hurt me when she broke it off with no explanation, and I no longer trust her. What should I do? -- NEEDS CLOSURE IN PHILLY

DEAR NEEDS CLOSURE: Forgive the strong language, but Miss Brenda appears to be somewhat screwed up. You seem like a nice guy -- too nice, in fact. There comes a time in life when we must draw the line when someone hurts us.

The next time Brenda calls to say good night, tell her it's not good night, it's goodbye because you no longer want to dwell in the past. Believe me, you'll be doing yourself a favor.

DEAR ABBY: In cities large and small across the globe, a sad reality occurs year after year. Children die. The causes vary -- an auto accident, suicide, drive-by shooting, fire, illness, war or something completely different. Families, friends and entire towns mourn the deaths of children who have died before they could reach their full potential.

For the past 13 years, The Compassionate Friends, a national self-help support organization for families grieving the death of a child, has sponsored a Worldwide Candle Lighting during the difficult holidays to honor the memory of all children -- no matter their age -- who died too young.

Dear Abby readers, whether or not they have been personally touched by such a tragedy, are invited to remember all children who have died by joining in the Worldwide Candle Lighting on Sunday, Dec. 13. Although officially held for one hour at 7 p.m. local time, this has become an event where hundreds of services in memory of children are held throughout the day around the world.

In the U.S. this includes services in all 50 states and Washington, D.C. Dozens of countries are hosts to services. Anyone who is unable to attend is encouraged to light candles in their home, whether alone or with friends and family. Please join us in honoring these children who are loved, missed and always remembered. -- PATRICIA LODER, EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS

DEAR PATRICIA: I am pleased to help spread the word. Your organization is a valuable resource for families and friends of those who have experienced the loss of a child, and I commend you for the work you do.

Readers, you can locate local services on The Compassionate Friends Web site: � HYPERLINK "http://www.compassionatefriends.org" ��www.compassionatefriends.org� or by calling (toll-free) 877-969-0010. You will also be able to join the thousands of caring individuals who post a memorial message in their online Remembrance Book during the 24-hour period of the Worldwide Candle Lighting and let them know your thoughts are with them.