DEAR ABBY: My daughter insists that she's a "multitasker" -- too busy to telephone or text except when she's driving. It scares me to be in the passenger seat while she's talking on the phone or picking up toys the baby has dropped from his car seat.

I told her I won't talk to her while she's driving because I don't want to be a party to an accident she might be involved in, so she has stopped calling me altogether.

Don't these self-described multitaskers realize they are operating machines that can kill them or others while they shift their focus from the road? A man recently died in a head-on car crash as he crossed the interstate line. When the emergency vehicles arrived, his laptop was still running. What else can I say to my daughter when she doesn't "want to hear about it"? -- TERRIFIED MAMA IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR TERRIFIED: The statistics I have read indicate that drivers using cell phones have the same risk of being involved in an accident as people who have been drinking. It is sad that your daughter is so overscheduled that she feels she must do two things at once.

However, until your daughter is ready to sharpen her maternal instincts, grow up and stop being defensive, there is nothing you or anyone can say that will cut through the static. I am truly sorry.

DEAR ABBY: My twin sister, "Karina," and I will be seniors this year, and we're starting to look at colleges. It has always been "assumed" that Karina and I would attend the same college and be roommates. However, I think it's time for some separation. We're very close, and I would like us to attend the same college, but I think we should consider having different roommates.

Karina is hurt and upset that I don't want to continue sharing a room with her, pointing out that we've been "roommates" our entire lives and get along well, so why argue with success?

It has nothing to do with her. I just think it would be easier to expand our horizons if we're not just known as "the twins." We would still see each other often, and if things don't work out perhaps we can be roomies the following year.

My mother is shocked and thinks there's something wrong between us. I would appreciate another opinion. -- THE OTHER TWIN

DEAR TWIN: Have a private talk with your mother and explain that as much as you love your sister, the time has come for both of you to explore your individuality. While the concept may be foreign to her, what you are contemplating would be a healthy opportunity for both of you. As the daughter of an identical twin, I can assure you that some degree of separation will be healthy and give you both a chance to grow.

DEAR ABBY: I am not ugly, but I am very unphotogenic. I take terrible pictures. At family weddings, I know photos are necessary and I cooperate. But the rest of the time I do not want to be photographed. Isn't this my right?

How can I, without offending anyone, prevent people from taking my picture? And am I the only person who feels this way? -- NO PICTURES, PLEASE, KANSAS CITY, MO.

DEAR NO PICTURES, PLEASE: No, you aren't -- and people who know you and care about your feelings should respect them and not insist. If the shooter is a stranger or a casual acquaintance, all you need to say is, "I prefer not to be photographed." And if you are pressed, say you're in the Witness Protection Program.

DEAR ABBY: On Aug. 10 you printed a letter from an aunt who was upset because her sister, the mother of a child with autism, doesn't have time to join in fundraising with her and the rest of the family. While I commend the writer and her family for raising money for autism research, that woman needs to cut her sister some slack.

Very few parents (thank goodness for them, though) have the emotional energy, not to mention time, to advocate for their child's special needs. I commend you for giving the writer of that letter the answer you did. I would challenge anyone who thinks he or she could "handle it" to walk a mile in our shoes. Our entire lives center around our children and their doctors' appointments, therapy, special schooling, adaptive equipment, etc. The last thing we need to hear is some self-righteous know-it-all putting us down for something we were hand-picked by God to do. -- SPECIAL-NEEDS MOM IN ALABAMA

DEAR MOM: I heard from the parents of many special-needs children who echoed your sentiments. And you're right -- it does take a very special parent not to crack under the stress. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I am the mother of two boys with special needs who are around his age, and I can assure you, that woman is already "very involved" in a way her sister cannot even begin to imagine. It is a labor of love that requires intense attention to their every action and potential need.

Perhaps "Raising Money" should spend an entire day being the primary caregiver for her nephew while trying to complete household responsibilities or work. I cannot tell you the number of times I have cried in my car out of sheer fatigue (I now carry tissue in the glove box).

The most charitable thing this aunt could do is to show up on her sister's doorstep with dinner, an offer to do the laundry, and a long, comforting hug. -- CINDY IN AUSTIN, TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: No one fully understands what a parent with a child with a disability goes through from day one. First there is the emotional aspect. We grieve. It's not the kind of grieving you do after a death. This is grieving that never ends. It cycles over and over. If you're not crying, you're angry. Some days you can accept and breathe; other days you just can't. Anything can set you back, and suddenly you're sobbing again.

Not only is there the day-to-day caring for the child -- feeding, dressing, hygiene, to name a few -- but also phone calls, meetings, doctor visits, therapies. When the kids are little, many of these things aren't too bad. But as they get older, larger, stronger, it breaks the caregiver's body and spirit.

There is also the problem of not being able to get needed services. In many states, once children are out of the school system and on the waiting list for adult services, they sit and languish at home with NO services until they qualify for accommodations. In some states that can be many years. And there's no portability of services between states, so if you must relocate, you go to the bottom of that state's waiting list.

Living with that, we often can't get or hold jobs. Day care is a huge problem for us and our kids. If that woman really wants to help, she should offer respite care and get involved with the waiting list issue, which is as important as research. -- SONJA IN COLORADO

DEAR SONJA: In this time of draconian cutbacks everywhere, I hope our politicians will direct their thinking away from divisive politics and being re-elected to what must be done to help our most vulnerable citizens.

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DEAR ABBY: I attended a business-related function with my boss and some co-workers. I had way too much to drink and ended up having sex with my boss. (He offered me a ride to my car and took advantage of me.) If I had been sober, it would never have happened.

Since then, my boss continues to pursue me even though I have made it clear that it was a mistake and something I truly regret. I have no interest in this man. He is married, and it sickens me every time I think about it. I am too ashamed to discuss this with anyone, but my boss won't leave me alone. Please tell me what I should do. -- EMBARRASSED IN CHICAGO

DEAR EMBARRASSED: Your boss is acting like a sexual predator, and has from the beginning. If you haven't been documenting his harassment, begin to do so immediately. And if anyone has seen him put the moves on you, so much the better. You should also discuss this with an attorney, and because you are "embarrassed," make it a woman.

DEAR ABBY: My brother "Eric's" car was destroyed in a natural disaster four years ago. His insurance company paid for the loss, but he never replaced the car. For the next two years he borrowed one from another family member until she finally put a stop to it. For the last two years Eric has been using one of mine.

It started out as a temporary loan, but now he acts like I gave it to him. I still pay for its upkeep and insurance, because if I didn't, Eric wouldn't. I have offered to sell it to him for a reasonable price, but every time I mention it he comes up with an excuse.

I feel used. How do I tell my brother I want my car back without stepping on anyone's toes? We are a close family, and I'm afraid he'll hold a grudge if I tell him how I feel. He and his wife have full-time, well-paying jobs. My husband and I have two other vehicles, so I don't need the other one desperately. I just hate seeing it used and abused like this. Should I feel guilty about wanting my wheels back? -- USED UP IN THE SOUTH

DEAR USED UP: No, you shouldn't -- and your signature speaks volumes. Now pick up the phone and call your insurance agent. It is possible that because you are the legal owner of that vehicle, you could be responsible for any damage that your brother might cause while driving it.

You have been a wonderful and generous sister for having allowed him to use it for as long as he has. Because you're having trouble finding the words to tell Eric that you want him to stand on his own two feet and provide his own transportation, ask the relative who loaned him the last one to let you borrow her script.

DEAR ABBY: I am regularly invited out to eat by either of two friends, both of whom are very wealthy. I have noticed that neither one leaves a 15 percent tip. They usually leave 10 or 12 percent.

I feel uncomfortable when they don't leave a server what I consider to be the minimum appropriate tip. Would it be OK for me to add to the tip they are leaving? I don't want to offend them. Please advise. -- RED-FACED IN RICHMOND, CALIF.

DEAR RED-FACED: If you can find a way to do it discreetly, without embarrassing your host, I am sure your generosity would be appreciated by the server.