DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Harvey," and I have operated a home-based business for more than 20 years. Harvey is an amazing technician, extremely efficient with his time on the job. The problem is, he is always in a hurry to get to the next job.

I receive calls from angry motorists complaining that "the driver of one of our trucks" cut them off, yelled at them or flipped them off in traffic. When I receive one of these calls I say, "Thank you for calling. I'll be sure to speak to the appropriate driver about the incident."

Harvey feels I should support him by telling the caller it was probably his own fault for talking on a cell phone, driving too slow or cutting him off. I have no doubt that some of these motorists actually do those things, but my husband is driving around with his phone number on his truck and they're not. When I mention the complaints, he wants to call them back using caller ID.

Am I handling this appropriately? I don't feel I should reprimand someone for bad driving if I wasn't present when something happened, nor do I want anyone to know it was my husband -- the owner of the business -- who flipped them off. Harvey is angry at me because I'm "not supporting" him. Any suggestions? -- BETWEEN A ROCK AND A HARD PLACE

DEAR BETWEEN: Harvey may be a great technician, but it appears he's a little short on common sense and good manners. I see no reason why you should defend him. His behavior is not only childish but also dangerous. Because other motorists are actually calling to report his erratic driving, it's a pretty good indication that your husband is an accident waiting to happen.

It's time you mentioned to him that what he's doing is also bad for business. Those he offends in traffic are not likely to say a kind word about the business he's advertising on his truck.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Adrian," and I have been married five years, but there is something looming in our future that both of us dread -- our parents' old age. Adrian is an only child. I have one sister, but when it comes to caring for our parents, I might as well be an only child.

Adrian's parents live month-to-month on Social Security and pension checks. If they ever have any extra money, they don't save it. They buy each other expensive gifts and eat out. Neither one of them is in good health, and the day will come when they won't be able to care for themselves or each other, and I know they'll expect us to do it.

My parents are about the same, except they're banking on an inheritance to see them through retirement. That money may or may not be enough, considering how long people live now. My grandparents were frugal. They saved and were determined not to be a burden on their children.

Our parents think it's our duty to care for them. His parents are in their late 60s, and we have young children. We cringe at the idea that after all our hard work we'll go from caring for our children to caring for our parents with no time for ourselves. -- AFRAID FOR THE FUTURE IN SAN ANTONIO

DEAR AFRAID: No one can foresee the future, so stop ruining the present by obsessing about what "might" happen. You say your in-laws are not in good health? One or both of them could die before they become completely dependent on you and your husband. The same is true for your parents. Forgive me if this seems cold, but it happens to be the truth.

WHEN THEY LET THEM CHEAT

DEAR ABBY: I was raised from an early age that if you play a game, you have to play fair and obey the rules. Those rules were never bent regardless of what the game was or who we played with.

Over the years I have played games with many people, and while I realize it's possible for people to play the same game slightly differently, the rules still applied. What I don't understand is cheating.

A couple I know allow their children to play games with adults and let them cheat. What they're doing is obvious, and their parents even joke about it. I no longer enjoy playing with this family, but I don't know what to do or say. I have tried to subtly discourage and stop the deceptions, but I don't want to seem like a sore loser. Any suggestions? -- PLAYS BY THE RULES, URBANA, OHIO

DEAR PLAYS BY THE RULES: Yes. Do not play games with the family if the children are involved. It's not about being a sore loser; it's about not being a chump. By allowing their children to ignore the "rules," these parents are sending the message that rules don't apply to them. Because the children cheat when they play with you, it's safe to assume that they think it's acceptable to do it with other kids. And when their contemporaries realize what's going on, who do you think won't be allowed to join their games -- or anything else? Look at it this way: From little cheaters, big cheaters grow.

DEAR ABBY: My sister-in-law has just informed me that she doesn't think it is as important for her daughters to attend college as it is her sons.

My mother-in-law recently made a crack about my finances because she knows I'm paying off my student loans for two degrees.

My father-in-law can't understand what "all the fuss is about" now that my oldest daughter is preparing for college.

Abby, I have friends in their 30s and 40s who, for one reason or another, are single women supporting themselves. Even some who have degrees are struggling, but they are able to own their own homes because they are able to earn decent salaries.

What should I say when my mother-in-law and sister-in-law put me down for higher learning? Neither of them went to college or has ever worked. They would be on welfare if they didn't have their husbands' income. By the way, I'm not having any problem paying back my student loans, and my husband is proud of my accomplishments. -- EDUCATED IN TENNESSEE

DEAR EDUCATED: Your mother-in-law and sister-in-law are misguided. They do not understand the financial realities that exist for women today because they have never been exposed to them. Nothing that you can say to them will change their mind-set.

So rather than respond to their naive comments, take every opportunity to encourage your nieces to pursue their educations so they can live independent lives. And pray that your father-in-law and brother-in-law leave their wives well-provided-for should tragedy strike, because otherwise they could wind up on your doorstep.

DEAR ABBY: My wife, "Laura," and I have been married 15 years. She recently had gastric bypass surgery and has lost 80 pounds so far.

The last time Laura was slim (about seven years ago), she had an affair with a co-worker and we nearly divorced. With her current weight loss, she is now going out with friends from work one night a week. This means that after all the activities we have scheduled for our kids, there is no night for us. I have had two weekends off in the last six weeks. During both of them Laura went to Las Vegas with her friends.

I'm pleased that my wife is happy with her looks, and I don't want to appear insecure, but I can't help but feel it's "deja vu all over again." When I ask where she's going, who she's going with and why now, she gets angry and says she won't put up with my "insecurities." We went to counseling after the affair, but Laura lied and denied she'd had one. I would really appreciate some advice. -- YO-YO HUSBAND IN LONG BEACH, CALIF.

DEAR YO-YO HUSBAND: Your wife may think it's an invasion of her privacy to be asked where she's going, when she'll be back and who she's spending her time with -- but that's the kind of accountability people sign up for when they have a spouse and children. Your insecurity is understandable in light of her past infidelity.

The fact that she'd rather go to Las Vegas for the weekend than spend some alone time with you sends a strong message. I think you already know your marriage is in trouble, so offer your wife the option of marriage counseling. If she refuses -- which wouldn't surprise me -- go without her. A licensed therapist will help you understand the dynamics of what's going on and help you reach some important conclusions about your future.

DEAR ABBY: It's apparent that the art of saying "thank you" has gone by the wayside. I'm a widow with limited funds who likes to surprise relatives with nice gifts on special occasions. I sent a food gift to one of them as a housewarming present. Her mother wrote and thanked me, but added that it gave her a stomachache and she was sick for three days!

I shopped carefully for a niece who was starting kindergarten. I selected a sweet "girly" backpack in her favorite color with butterflies and a smattering of sparkles. Her mom responded that I should have bought a bigger one with a metal frame so she could also use it for family outings, the beach, the zoo, etc. -- as if I knew which ones she liked THIS week.

I sent a classic silk blouse to a young woman who was starting her first office job. Her mother told me she would have preferred something more "youthful."

What is wrong with just saying "thank you"? -- IRRITATED AUNT IN MIAMI

DEAR IRRITATED AUNT: Nothing is wrong with it; in fact, "thank you" is the appropriate and gracious response. But what these mothers are really telling you is that they never taught their daughters one of the important social graces -- how to send a prompt and courteous acknowledgment for any gift they receive. They're also telling you that in the future, you should save your money.