WHEN THEY LET THEM CHEAT

DEAR ABBY: I was raised from an early age that if you play a game, you have to play fair and obey the rules. Those rules were never bent regardless of what the game was or who we played with.

Over the years I have played games with many people, and while I realize it's possible for people to play the same game slightly differently, the rules still applied. What I don't understand is cheating.

A couple I know allow their children to play games with adults and let them cheat. What they're doing is obvious, and their parents even joke about it. I no longer enjoy playing with this family, but I don't know what to do or say. I have tried to subtly discourage and stop the deceptions, but I don't want to seem like a sore loser. Any suggestions? -- PLAYS BY THE RULES, URBANA, OHIO

DEAR PLAYS BY THE RULES: Yes. Do not play games with the family if the children are involved. It's not about being a sore loser; it's about not being a chump. By allowing their children to ignore the "rules," these parents are sending the message that rules don't apply to them. Because the children cheat when they play with you, it's safe to assume that they think it's acceptable to do it with other kids. And when their contemporaries realize what's going on, who do you think won't be allowed to join their games -- or anything else? Look at it this way: From little cheaters, big cheaters grow.

DEAR ABBY: My sister-in-law has just informed me that she doesn't think it is as important for her daughters to attend college as it is her sons.

My mother-in-law recently made a crack about my finances because she knows I'm paying off my student loans for two degrees.

My father-in-law can't understand what "all the fuss is about" now that my oldest daughter is preparing for college.

Abby, I have friends in their 30s and 40s who, for one reason or another, are single women supporting themselves. Even some who have degrees are struggling, but they are able to own their own homes because they are able to earn decent salaries.

What should I say when my mother-in-law and sister-in-law put me down for higher learning? Neither of them went to college or has ever worked. They would be on welfare if they didn't have their husbands' income. By the way, I'm not having any problem paying back my student loans, and my husband is proud of my accomplishments. -- EDUCATED IN TENNESSEE

DEAR EDUCATED: Your mother-in-law and sister-in-law are misguided. They do not understand the financial realities that exist for women today because they have never been exposed to them. Nothing that you can say to them will change their mind-set.

So rather than respond to their naive comments, take every opportunity to encourage your nieces to pursue their educations so they can live independent lives. And pray that your father-in-law and brother-in-law leave their wives well-provided-for should tragedy strike, because otherwise they could wind up on your doorstep.

DEAR ABBY: My wife, "Laura," and I have been married 15 years. She recently had gastric bypass surgery and has lost 80 pounds so far.

The last time Laura was slim (about seven years ago), she had an affair with a co-worker and we nearly divorced. With her current weight loss, she is now going out with friends from work one night a week. This means that after all the activities we have scheduled for our kids, there is no night for us. I have had two weekends off in the last six weeks. During both of them Laura went to Las Vegas with her friends.

I'm pleased that my wife is happy with her looks, and I don't want to appear insecure, but I can't help but feel it's "deja vu all over again." When I ask where she's going, who she's going with and why now, she gets angry and says she won't put up with my "insecurities." We went to counseling after the affair, but Laura lied and denied she'd had one. I would really appreciate some advice. -- YO-YO HUSBAND IN LONG BEACH, CALIF.

DEAR YO-YO HUSBAND: Your wife may think it's an invasion of her privacy to be asked where she's going, when she'll be back and who she's spending her time with -- but that's the kind of accountability people sign up for when they have a spouse and children. Your insecurity is understandable in light of her past infidelity.

The fact that she'd rather go to Las Vegas for the weekend than spend some alone time with you sends a strong message. I think you already know your marriage is in trouble, so offer your wife the option of marriage counseling. If she refuses -- which wouldn't surprise me -- go without her. A licensed therapist will help you understand the dynamics of what's going on and help you reach some important conclusions about your future.

DEAR ABBY: It's apparent that the art of saying "thank you" has gone by the wayside. I'm a widow with limited funds who likes to surprise relatives with nice gifts on special occasions. I sent a food gift to one of them as a housewarming present. Her mother wrote and thanked me, but added that it gave her a stomachache and she was sick for three days!

I shopped carefully for a niece who was starting kindergarten. I selected a sweet "girly" backpack in her favorite color with butterflies and a smattering of sparkles. Her mom responded that I should have bought a bigger one with a metal frame so she could also use it for family outings, the beach, the zoo, etc. -- as if I knew which ones she liked THIS week.

I sent a classic silk blouse to a young woman who was starting her first office job. Her mother told me she would have preferred something more "youthful."

What is wrong with just saying "thank you"? -- IRRITATED AUNT IN MIAMI

DEAR IRRITATED AUNT: Nothing is wrong with it; in fact, "thank you" is the appropriate and gracious response. But what these mothers are really telling you is that they never taught their daughters one of the important social graces -- how to send a prompt and courteous acknowledgment for any gift they receive. They're also telling you that in the future, you should save your money.

DEAR ABBY: I work in a call center with 35 other workers. Recently our supervisor hired a woman who is mentally ill. We acknowledge that she has a right to work and, for the most part, she appears to be capable.

The problem is she hears "voices" speaking to her and often responds to them. Other times she "hears" co-workers seated behind her plotting to kill her, which, of course, is not true. She disrupts those around her by constantly asking if they can hear what others are saying about her and what she should do about it.

We have spoken to our supervisor about our concerns. His answer is, "Just be quiet and it will be OK." We don't dislike her -- in fact, we're sympathetic -- but we resent the position we have been placed in. None of us have been trained to deal with mental health issues. Have you any suggestions on how to handle this? -- UNEASY IN OHIO

DEAR UNEASY: Your supervisor is mistaken. Just being quiet is not the answer because the voices the woman is hearing are in her head. She's acting this way because she has gone off her medication.

This may be a workplace safety issue. Therefore, you and your co-workers must insist that the supervisor take action to ensure that she's not posing a threat to all of you.

DEAR ABBY: Would it be inappropriate or tacky if I had a mother/daughter dance at my daughter's wedding? I know it's a father/daughter tradition, and my husband will obviously have his dance with her, but I'd like to have a shot at it, too.

My reason is purely selfish. Having lost my son two years ago, I will never experience the mother/son dance we were supposed to share at his wedding the year he died.

Is this crazy? Horribly inappropriate? Am I being too selfish? -- SENTIMENTAL IN YONKERS

DEAR SENTIMENTAL: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your son. The mother/daughter dance is something you need to discuss with your daughter and her fiance. What you have in mind is unusual. However, it would be selfish only if you were to pressure your daughter into it over her objections.

DEAR ABBY: I am extremely thin and have struggled for years with eating disorders and an unhealthy relationship with food. It's difficult for me to go out with family and friends because everyone watches me -- from what I order to how much I consume -- and comments on it. If they decide I haven't eaten enough, they make hurtful comments about my weight.

What I need people to understand is that it is just as hurtful to make fun of someone who is thin by calling him names such as "Stick" or "Bean Pole" as it is to mock a fat person.

Some of us are thin because we are ill, whether it is physically or emotionally. Making fun of us is tasteless, hurtful and unhelpful. -- ROBERT IN N.Y.C.

DEAR ROBERT: I'm glad you wrote, because your letter provides me with the opening to remind my readers that joking about someone's appearance isn't clever or funny. It's cruel. While the target may take those comments with apparent good humor, no one likes to be ridiculed. And frankly, when it happens, it demeans the speaker more than the person at which it is aimed.