DEAR ABBY: I was thrilled to read "Sober in Scottsdale's" (July 28) letter about drinking. I'm a 21-year-old college student who has also struggled with choosing to be sober amidst the majority of my drunken peers. Most people my age drink only to get drunk and appear to be unable to have fun without the aid of alcohol. Every activity must be performed under the influence.

While at a nightclub, one friend asked me how I was able to "dance and have a good time without being drunk."

Abby, in your response to "Sober," you said that drinkers should "mind their own business" because "there is usually a good reason why a person doesn't drink." For me, there is no medical, metabolic or addiction problem that prevents me from consuming alcohol. But I have seen the effects it has on my peers -- putting them in drunken stupors, using awful judgment, and being taken to the hospital after blacking out.

I left the college of my choice after one month because I could no longer stand hearing people in the bathroom vomiting all night long. Drinkers aren't ashamed of these displays. They brag about them to their friends the next day.

I sure hope this stage is one that will pass with age. I often long for the days when I was younger, when playing board games and sipping juice was considered a good time. -- NOT DRINKING IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR NOT DRINKING: Apparently binge drinking is still a rite of passage for some college students. I would like to address one comment you made in your letter. With some young people, binge drinking is a phase that passes as they learn their limit -- but with others it can be a pattern that begins in their teens and sometimes even younger. Read on for more comments from readers who feel as you do:

DEAR ABBY: I chose to be a non-drinker when my children became teenagers. I wanted to show them that I could have a good time without drinking, and I think it was an important lesson.

Parents need to seriously consider the messages they convey. I'm shocked that some allow underage drinking in their homes. One mother who had a party in her home told me the kids were drinking there for the "learning experience." I got so annoyed I asked her if she was also providing hookers, since many of the teens were probably sexually inexperienced too. She didn't know what to say. -- VENTING IN SOUTH WINDSOR, CONN.

DEAR ABBY: You said there's usually a good reason why a person doesn't drink. Can't it just be my choice? I'm not an alcoholic, and I don't take medication that alcohol would react adversely with. I enjoy an occasional glass of wine or other alcoholic beverage, but I do not need to drink in order to have a good time. And there is nothing "wrong" with me if I choose to refrain from indulging. More people should make the same choice. -- CHERYL IN MADISON, ALA.

DEAR ABBY: I choose not to drink so I can be the designated driver should the need arise. My dad was a member of AA. And, quite frankly, I'd rather use my calories on cake than a drink. -- DESIGNATED DRIVER, CEDAR PARK, TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: Why should a person need a reason not to drink? The question that should be asked is, "Why are these people drinking?" Personally, I'm with "Scottsdale." I don't like the taste of alcohol, don't like the effects and, more important, I don't like the death statistics associated with drinkers and those unfortunates who end up in their paths. -- DONNA IN LAKE CITY, FLA.

DEAR ABBY: When our first grandchild was born, my son, "Vic," and his wife bought the first video camera in the family. I often asked them to bring it to family get-togethers, and to help out, I purchased dozens of long-running, high-quality tapes.

We didn't buy a lot of toys for the kids. We made memories instead -- a trip to the circus, renting out the roller rink for the entire family, and holding "sports championships" in our yard. All of the fun was captured on tape. Our family grew, babies became teenagers, and we had a growing pile of tapes.

Two years ago, my husband died unexpectedly. I felt as though my life had been torn to shreds. I was slow getting over the shock.

Recently I finally felt strong enough to watch the tapes again. ("Grandpa" was always in the middle of the action.) When I asked Vic to bring them over, his response was, "Mom, we don't have those videos anymore. We taped Junior's softball games over them." I said, "How could you?!" He replied, "Get over it, Mom! It's all in the past."

I was so angry, I walked out. I haven't called them since, and they haven't contacted me. I am so hurt. How could anyone have so little feeling? -- RE-RECORDED IN MIAMI

DEAR RE-RECORDED: Your son's response was brutal. He owes you an apology for his rudeness and insensitivity, but he's right about one thing -- the tapes are gone. He was put on the defensive, and that's why he tried to dismiss your feelings. Obviously, he thought the family would go on forever just as it was. That's why he didn't think it was important to preserve the videotaped family album. Of course, by sacrificing the past for the present, he ultimately cheated his own family and any siblings of his generation who might be interested in sharing the family history.

Fortunately, you have many happy memories in your heart of your happy marriage and the experience of raising your family. And no one can ever take those away from you.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married two years to a wonderful man, but we're having problems in the bedroom. Both of us are very uncomfortable talking about our feelings, especially when it comes to sex, and I just can't explain to him what I want him to do and vice versa.

I have tried many times to say things indirectly but have never been successful. I can't talk to him directly because I am very embarrassed. This has started to destroy our marriage, and now we generally prefer to sleep alone so that we don't have to have sex. -- S.O.S. IN THOUSAND OAKS, CALIF.

DEAR S.O.S.: If you want to save your marriage, you will need the assistance of an "interpreter" so you and your husband can communicate more fully. Please talk to your doctor and ask for a referral to a licensed, experienced sex therapist. (Because you find the topic of sex embarrassing to discuss, I recommend you consult a woman.)

Believe me, you are not the only couple to have this problem. In fact, so many others do that sex therapy is a specialty unto itself.

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DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have always had a warm and close relationship with our college-age children. We often host their friends in our home, making certain they're comfortable, well-fed and welcome.

My son brought his girlfriend home for long weekends several times this year. Not once has she said thank you for meals, gifts or entertainment. When I asked her if the standing rib roast I had served was OK -- it's my specialty -- she said it wasn't cooked the way she likes it. She shows absolutely no interest in us, our home or the community in which our children grew up. She does offer to clear the table, but that's the extent of it. Upon leaving, she will say, "thanks." With the exception of one brief e-mail, we have never received a written note from her.

We love our son, and he may love her. But we're not eager to clean, shop for, cook and host this young lady again. If our son wants to bring her home for another holiday, what do you suggest we say or do? -- DISGUSTED IN SEATTLE

DEAR DISGUSTED: While your feelings are understandable, and you may be tempted to tell your son what you have told me, bite your tongue. If you say anything negative about his girlfriend, it will make him defensive and his instinct will be to defend her.

It would not, however, be "attacking" her to gently share with him that you and his father were "disappointed" that you never received a thank-you note from his houseguest, and wonder if she was raised without having been taught the social graces. If he's serious about her, he might clue her in. But if he doesn't, and he wants to bring her home for the holidays, I have the ideal gift for her -- a book on etiquette.

DEAR ABBY: Last week my oldest daughter shocked me by informing me that her father had molested her and her sister many times when they were little. When I told her that I had known nothing about it, she screamed and called me a liar.

Abby, I was in great distress when my children were young. I didn't know what was going on. I divorced him when the two youngest were 5. He was an alcoholic and bipolar, in and out of jail and mental hospitals frequently. I would be in prison today had I known, because I would have killed him.

Now, 46 years later, I am asking your advice. Is there anything I can do to this child molester? He ruined both of our daughters' lives. My oldest has been drug and alcohol addicted for years. She is only now dealing with her addictions. He lives in a group home for bipolar people and often goes on rampages.

Please direct me to a resource for help. I have been in Al-Anon for 41 years and a born-again Christian for 37 years, which has helped me cope with the 19 years of hell my children and I have lived through. -- HOUSTON READER

DEAR READER: Talk to your daughters and ask them to report to the police what happened to them. It would be a step in taking back control of their lives, and because their father may have done this more recently with other little girls, the police should know his history. While it may be too late to prosecute your ex-husband for what he did to his daughters, if he has continued molesting, it may not be too late to get him for something he has done more recently.