DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have always had a warm and close relationship with our college-age children. We often host their friends in our home, making certain they're comfortable, well-fed and welcome.

My son brought his girlfriend home for long weekends several times this year. Not once has she said thank you for meals, gifts or entertainment. When I asked her if the standing rib roast I had served was OK -- it's my specialty -- she said it wasn't cooked the way she likes it. She shows absolutely no interest in us, our home or the community in which our children grew up. She does offer to clear the table, but that's the extent of it. Upon leaving, she will say, "thanks." With the exception of one brief e-mail, we have never received a written note from her.

We love our son, and he may love her. But we're not eager to clean, shop for, cook and host this young lady again. If our son wants to bring her home for another holiday, what do you suggest we say or do? -- DISGUSTED IN SEATTLE

DEAR DISGUSTED: While your feelings are understandable, and you may be tempted to tell your son what you have told me, bite your tongue. If you say anything negative about his girlfriend, it will make him defensive and his instinct will be to defend her.

It would not, however, be "attacking" her to gently share with him that you and his father were "disappointed" that you never received a thank-you note from his houseguest, and wonder if she was raised without having been taught the social graces. If he's serious about her, he might clue her in. But if he doesn't, and he wants to bring her home for the holidays, I have the ideal gift for her -- a book on etiquette.

DEAR ABBY: Last week my oldest daughter shocked me by informing me that her father had molested her and her sister many times when they were little. When I told her that I had known nothing about it, she screamed and called me a liar.

Abby, I was in great distress when my children were young. I didn't know what was going on. I divorced him when the two youngest were 5. He was an alcoholic and bipolar, in and out of jail and mental hospitals frequently. I would be in prison today had I known, because I would have killed him.

Now, 46 years later, I am asking your advice. Is there anything I can do to this child molester? He ruined both of our daughters' lives. My oldest has been drug and alcohol addicted for years. She is only now dealing with her addictions. He lives in a group home for bipolar people and often goes on rampages.

Please direct me to a resource for help. I have been in Al-Anon for 41 years and a born-again Christian for 37 years, which has helped me cope with the 19 years of hell my children and I have lived through. -- HOUSTON READER

DEAR READER: Talk to your daughters and ask them to report to the police what happened to them. It would be a step in taking back control of their lives, and because their father may have done this more recently with other little girls, the police should know his history. While it may be too late to prosecute your ex-husband for what he did to his daughters, if he has continued molesting, it may not be too late to get him for something he has done more recently.

DEAR ABBY: I'm in a bit of a predicament because I lent my maternity clothes to a friend who is due in late December. Her husband lost his job.

I just found out that I am expecting and I am due in late April, and I have no idea how to ask for my clothes back without offending her or telling her I'm pregnant. (My husband and I aren't telling anyone yet.) I don't think I should wait until I start showing -- which could be soon, based on previous pregnancies -- because she really needs them and I know I'd be leaving her with very little notice that she needs to go out and buy a whole new wardrobe. Any help would be greatly appreciated. -- IN A BIND IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR IN A BIND: Swear your friend to secrecy and explain that you're pregnant, too. Then, rather than take all your clothes back, take some -- and fill in your maternity wardrobe by buying yourself some new items. You have the income in your household to do it. Right now, she's "stuck" -- so be a generous friend and don't leave her naked.

DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law, who is in her 80s, was always an amazing hostess. She is excited and eager to help with the upcoming wedding of a grandchild. Detailed tasks now cause her anxiety, which results in serious physical symptoms.

We suggested that she could help by writing a journal about what she has learned in her own long marriage. She's an excellent writer, but she wasn't interested in the idea.

Can you or your readers suggest any other ways a parent can help -- something with low anxiety but that feels meaningful? -- BRIDE'S MOM IN VIRGINIA

DEAR BRIDE'S MOM: Your mother-in-law could donate an item that would fall into the "something borrowed" or "something blue" category. She might also present her granddaughter with a collection of family recipes.

But if neither of these ideas interest her, and she has her heart set on entertaining, then why not have her co-host a shower or luncheon, which would take much of the pressure of planning the event off her shoulders? Readers?

DEAR ABBY: I have been married 14 years and have four beautiful children. I want to return to nursing school and have for quite a while. I have been accepted to college, but my husband says he wants me to wait until our kids are out of school. Our youngest is only in the fourth grade.

I sometimes feel my husband doesn't want me to better myself. We have had a rocky relationship. He cheated on me three years ago and since then, my feelings are no longer the same for him.

Do you think I am being selfish for wanting to go to school? This is something I would like to do without feeling guilty. Please help. -- CONFUSED IN NEW YORK

DEAR CONFUSED: Listen to your intuition. If it's telling you you may need to prepare to be independent and provide for yourself and your children, then that's what you need to do, and don't feel guilty about it. This may have something to do with the fact that your relationship with your husband has changed since you learned he was unfaithful. If your marriage improves -- fabulous. But if it doesn't, you won't be left without a marketable skill -- so go for it.

DEAR ABBY: Before my son deployed to Afghanistan two months ago, his grandma, aunts and cousins all promised to send cards, letters and care packages.

So far, not one of them has stepped up to the plate. I am so frustrated I felt like crying as I was preparing a care package with his favorite cookies.

Abby, why do people make promises they can't keep? -- BROKENHEARTED MILITARY MOM

DEAR MILITARY MOM: The promises are often made with the best intentions -- and then the promiser becomes distracted, diverted, forgetful. In most cases, no one means to be hurtful.

Because these forgetful folks are family members, my advice is to remind them of what a morale booster it would be for your son to hear from them. Suggest items he might need, and offer to send them along with YOUR next care package.

DEAR ABBY: My co-worker has the same last name as a deceased porn star. We work in customer service together, and she gets many suggestive comments and laughs from our male customers. She would like to respond with a witty comeback without being offensive or jeopardizing her job. Any suggestions? -- FRIEND OF LOVELACE

DEAR FRIEND: While it may be tempting for your co-worker to respond with a witty comeback, she should play it smart and resist the urge to acknowledge her male customers' attempts at humor. Once she starts "getting cute," it will only encourage more of the same.

DEAR ABBY: I am a directory assistance operator who would like to pass on some advice to our callers:

We do NOT know your Aunt Martha who lives behind the Kmart store, and we no longer sit in the back room at a switchboard at the local drugstore. We may not even be located in the state you are calling.

When you dial directory assistance, please be prepared to provide the city, state and the first and last names of the person whose number you need, or the complete name of the business. A street name helps for common names.

Please have your pencil and paper ready to write down the number. We cannot wait five minutes while you hunt through drawers or glove compartments, or worse, put the phone down to look in another room. Our contract with your phone company usually requires that we finish each call within a short time, and we can lose that contract if we cannot comply.

And please, do not swear at us or call us names if we are unable to help you. Our information is only as good as what's provided by your local carrier to our database. We really do try our best to help you.

Thanks, Abby, for helping spread this message on behalf of thousands of hardworking operators. -- SMILING INTO THE SPEAKER

DEAR SMILING: I'm pleased to pass along your commonsense suggestions. Because so much of the telephone information system has become automated, callers do need to have pencils handy and give clear information when requesting a number. And when someone is lucky enough to actually be connected to a living, breathing, flesh-and-blood human being (yes!), abusing the person is not only unproductive, it could get you disconnected.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)