DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Where's the Fun in Upstate New York" (July 26), whose husband, "Hugh," insisted they buy their grandson a $100 savings bond for his first birthday when she wanted to splurge on toys and clothes. I understand her frustration.

Couples should decide together what to do, not tell the other what will be done. That said, I agree with Hugh that $100 to $150 on gifts for a 1-year-old is excessive. The child's room will soon look like an overloaded toy store. I have seen this in our extended family. At Christmas it took 2 1/2 hours to open all the gifts. Egads! We've become a nation of excess, and kids expect it.

Years ago, I approached the parents of our godchildren with the offer of savings bonds on holidays, which they gratefully accepted. Two of the "children" are now in college, and we're pleased we lifted a bit of the burden of the cost they'll face. I know it's not a "fun" gift, especially for the little ones, so we always include a token present for "now." I hope that couple can reach a similar agreement and not let this drive a wedge. -- SENSIBLE IN IOWA

DEAR SENSIBLE: The majority of those who wrote to comment on the letter from "Where's the Fun" were -- like you -- as concerned about the state of the woman's marriage as the gift issue. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: It's not like you to miss the warning sign of a controlling spouse. If Hugh is truly "wonderful in every way," then they should agree to disagree on this issue.

She should spend what she wants, within reason, on gifts of her choice for their grandson's birthday. If he feels strongly about the savings bond, which is also a wonderful gift, then they should get that, too. Because they are financially comfortable, and this is the only area of disagreement, surely Hugh can compromise.

I am alarmed that he has already decided what they'll be giving the child for every birthday. Grandparents traditionally engage in a mixture of indulgent and practical gift-giving. She was not looking to buy a wildly over-the-top gift. Hugh needs to relax and be a partner, not a dictator. And by the way, "fun" is not a dirty word. It's Baby's first birthday -- lighten up! -- MELISSA IN NEW YORK

DEAR ABBY: Some spouses suffer from "economic abuse" when one partner dominates financial decisions. I agree that a baby won't be impressed by pricey items, but this woman's gift choices are a form of self-expression. She should be allowed the joy of choosing presents and enjoying her grandbaby, especially since she contributes to household finances, but even if she didn't. Sometimes these gifts become treasured keepsakes passed through generations. -- GIVING MY TWO CENTS' WORTH IN ABILENE

DEAR ABBY: While the adults in my life did give me toys and material things for my birthdays and holidays, I am 26 now and I have little recollection of what they were. What I know now is that because of the generous gifts of savings bonds from those loved ones, my fiance and I were able to make a down payment on a beautiful home without being "house poor." Those bonds allowed us to make a major step forward in our lives and be comfortable and secure.

It means the world that the adults who loved me and are no longer with me are part of this house and my new life, even though they could not be at my wedding. -- SARAH IN HOUSTON

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I decided early on that we'd open a joint bank account and place half of each of our earnings into it. I opened another account in my name only for the other half. That way, if we disagreed on something -- such as a gift -- I could buy it myself. It has worked well.

I do agree that for the child's first birthday, Hugh's idea is best. The child will appreciate it when he's older. -- DEBORAH IN MARIETTA

DEAR ABBY: I am a 15-year-old girl who is losing the will to live. I am bisexual, but my parents are very anti-gay/lesbian, so I can't tell them about my sexual orientation.

Every day I engage in self-injury using a metal chain, and I think about suicide a lot. Please help me. -- HURTING IN ORLANDO, FLA.

DEAR HURTING: As you already know, your sexual orientation isn't something you chose. It is something you were born with, and your parents' disapproval -- as intimidating as it may be -- isn't going to change it. What you are experiencing is not uncommon in young people who have discovered they are "different." But there is help, not only for you but also for your parents.

The first thing you should do is contact The Trevor Helpline. It is a nationwide, 24-hour helpline for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning young people. A counselor there can help you sort out your feelings and figure out some options. You can find out more about it by going to � HYPERLINK "http://www.thetrevorproject.org" ��www.thetrevorproject.org�. The toll-free number is (866) 488-7386.

Another terrific resource is PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays). PFLAG was established in the 1980s and offers specific advice on how to deal with your parents. You will find its Web site at www.pflag.org.

Both of these organizations provide the support you need, so please don't wait to contact them.

DEAR ABBY: My heart is broken. My 18-year-old son, "Joey," has just put his name on someone else's child's birth certificate. He met the girl in high school. She was already pregnant. Joey has been out of school since May. He has no job, no money and no car.

Joey promised her family he will "take care of her." They were only too happy to hear it because the real father wants nothing to do with her or the baby. Her parents have made my son feel like a hero, and he enjoys it.

I did everything in my power to talk him out of it. Nothing worked. I can't believe that the girl's family is encouraging him. Joey is not a man, even if he is 18. Where are their values? -- HEARTBROKEN MOM IN MESA, ARIZ.

DEAR MOM: Your son may feel like a hero, but apparently he was not thinking rationally when he put his name on that birth certificate, because what he did was fraud. The father of that baby should be listed as the father, and he is the one who should be financially responsible until the child reaches adulthood. If Joey wants to lend emotional support, more power to him. But I'm advising you to consult an attorney to see if this mess can be unraveled before he gets in any deeper.

DEAR ABBY: I am 22 years old and stuck in a long-term relationship. My boyfriend has taken care of me since my mother died last year. She was my only family, so without my boyfriend I'd be alone.

My problem is, I am no longer attracted to him. I don't want to hurt his feelings because of everything he has helped me through, but is a relationship worth staying in if you don't feel the "connection" anymore? -- ALONE IN THE SOUTH

DEAR ALONE: No, it's not, and it's also not fair to your boyfriend. Sooner or later you will have to level with him and tell him that, while you're deeply grateful for his support during this difficult time, you have come to regard him as more of a brother than a lover, and while you'll always care for him, the romance is over.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married nearly a year. My husband and I were together for five years before that. I am his fourth wife.

What's bothering me is he gets most of his mail delivered to his mother's -- things such as his cell phone bill, his paychecks, etc. Everything he owns is in storage in another country. He makes all his phone calls from work and never receives any at home.

I saw his credit report. He has taken out loans I know nothing about.

I love my husband with all my heart, but am I right to think a marriage isn't supposed to be this way? I feel he has two lives. -- IN THE DARK IN TENNESSEE

DEAR IN THE DARK: I don't know how many lives your husband is living, but the answer to your question is no, a marriage is not supposed to be the way yours is. Your husband's behavior is unusually secretive -- and when people are secretive, it is usually because they have something to hide.

There are many red flags in your letter, and because of that I'm advising you to talk to an attorney and find out how loans taken out without your knowledge could affect you.

DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend gets weirded out and angry when I hold my kids from a previous marriage in my lap and want her to be close to me at the same time. She says it's "gross and inappropriate."

She acts like I am trying to be sexual with her, but I'm not -- I'm just trying to have her near me while I'm sitting on the couch with my children. She says I should only be affectionate with them and her separately.

Am I the one with the problem here, or what? -- DAD IN LAKEWOOD, WASH.

DEAR DAD: Your girlfriend may feel competitive with your children, or she may have something in her personal history that makes it difficult for her to differentiate between paternal affection and sexual closeness between adults. If you want concrete answers from her, you need to discuss this subject more fully with her so she can explain why she feels the way she does, because it's odd.

DEAR ABBY: Since my daughter left home several years ago, I have become extremely anxious on Sundays. In the afternoons it feels like the walls are closing in on me. I feel so depressed I have to leave the house.

If I go someplace that is open and unconfined, with lots of people around, I feel fine. When I return to my house in the early evening and dote on my pets, I get back to feeling normal.

Abby, some people have said I suffer from "empty nest syndrome." Others say it's "cabin fever." Any thoughts on what I can do about this? -- PHIL IN PHOENIX

DEAR PHIL: If your daughter left on a Sunday, that may be the reason you become depressed and anxious on that particular day of the week. Or because you are less busy and distracted on Sundays, you become more aware of the fact you are alone. Whether you're experiencing "empty nest syndrome" or "cabin fever" is irrelevant. Discuss your feelings of depression and claustrophobia with a licensed mental health professional so you can be properly diagnosed and receive help for your problem.