DEAR ABBY: My sister "Tricia's" daughters, ages 5 and 7, are my only nieces. A few weeks ago, I sent the 7-year-old a gift for her birthday. When I didn't get a response, I called my sister to ask if it had arrived. Tricia said, "Oh, yeah, we got it. We've been busy and so we didn't open it. We'll get to it someday." I felt terrible knowing my niece didn't get the gift on her birthday and didn't know I had remembered her.

I have since learned that my nieces weren't given the gifts I sent last Christmas, either, which explains why I didn't receive thank-you notes. Tricia told me her girls get lots of presents so she limits when they can have them. She gives them as rewards or saves them for rainy days.

The younger daughter's birthday is coming up, and now I'm wondering what to do. I don't want to spend the time or money picking out something she may never see. Should I just send a card? Or call to wish her a happy birthday?

My sister is generous with my kids. They open the gifts right away and send thank-you notes. How do I reciprocate? -- HURT IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR HURT: By intercepting your gifts and presenting them as "rewards" or "saving them for a rainy day," your sister is defeating their purpose and may be taking the credit that should be going to you. Your nieces should absolutely know that you think of them on their birthdays and other holidays.

By all means call them and send cards. And start contributing to a college fund for them. Although they may not appreciate right now what a thoughtful gift you are giving them, I guarantee they will in the future.

DEAR ABBY: I have a good relationship with my 84-year-old mother, but it's difficult to spend time with her because during the past year she has started hitting me. She does not appear to be angry when she does it. She'll do it if I say something she thinks is funny, when I do something nice or for no reason at all.

It hurts me physically and emotionally when she hits me. I have asked her repeatedly to please not do it, but she persists. I wasn't abused as a child, so I don't understand what's going on. Any ideas? -- BRUISED IN SPRINGFIELD

DEAR BRUISED: I have a suspicion. I have written before that any significant change in a senior's behavior or personality should be reported to his or her doctor. Your mother may need to be physically and neurologically evaluated because it's possible that she doesn't remember that you have asked her not to hit you. My advice is to have your mother checked out, and if I'm right, you have my sympathy.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter is divorced from my grandson "Cody's" father, "Mitch." Cody is only 8, and when Mitch makes plans with him and then doesn't show up or even bother to call, of course Cody is sad.

I can't stand to see my grandson hurt over and over again. How can I help him get through these difficult times? -- PROTECTIVE NANA IN RHODE ISLAND

DEAR PROTECTIVE NANA: It isn't possible to shield your grandson entirely from his father's neglect. However, you might lessen his disappointment by making alternative plans to do something with him if his father is a no-show. And if Cody has uncles, a grandfather or other male influences in his life, perhaps they could step up to the plate on some of those occasions when his father strikes out.

DEAR ABBY: During my visitations at my dad's, I share a room with my stepsisters. They have made it clear they resent having to share their room with me, even though I have no choice about it.

They play the choking game with some of their friends. When I refuse to participate, they put me down and call me chicken, but I'm not about to do something so dangerous.

They have told me I'd better "mind my own business" and not say anything to their mom about it. I'm afraid if I do -- and I get them into trouble -- they'll resent me more and make things even more difficult for me.

On the other hand, I'd feel really guilty if I stay silent and something terrible happened to one or both of them. Should I tell their mom, even if it causes problems for me? -- SEATTLE STEPSISTER

DEAR STEPSISTER: I think you should tell your mother, and let her tell your father and his wife. The "choking game" isn't a game; it's extremely dangerous. It destroys brain cells and has been known to kill people. The practice can also be addictive, and when people do it alone and lose consciousness for the last time, the deaths are sometimes mistaken as suicides.

DEAR ABBY: My oldest sister has just married a very nice man. (It's her second marriage.) My only problem is that "Norman" is a taxidermist. Going to their home frightens my daughter and makes me feel, frankly, a bit nauseous. I have avoided going there since the first time, but have been getting questions from family about why I keep turning down invitations.

How do I answer these questions without hurting my sister's feelings? She's a great sister, and I really like Norman. But their house gives me and my animal-loving daughter nightmares. Please help. -- CREEPED OUT IN ARIZONA

DEAR CREEPED OUT: Be honest, but be gentle. Tell your sister that you love her and think her new husband is terrific, but the stuffed animals (etc.) make you uncomfortable. Make sure she knows that when she's having a barbecue or a swimming party (thank God you live in a state with a mild climate), you'd love to come over. But you're not up to another trip through the gallery of the living dead because it gave your daughter nightmares.

DEAR ABBY: I married a caring, thoughtful man who is also a loving father. My problem is my father-in-law, who constantly "reminds" me that I'm the best thing that ever happened to his son and that there is no way my husband would be successful if it weren't for my influence in his life.

While I'm happy to have my father-in-law's approval, it makes me uncomfortable, and it's hurtful to my husband. My husband was not a wild child in his youth, so I don't know why Dad feels my husband would be a failure if not for me. My husband is a wonderful man on his OWN merits, not mine, and the implication is insulting. How can I help my father-in-law see this? -- MARRIED TO A GREAT GUY

DEAR MARRIED: The next time your father-in-law "compliments" you by insulting your husband, look him in the eye and nail him. One way to do that would be to say, "Exactly what do you mean by that, Dad, because I find the implication insulting." I predict he will squirm. And when he's done hemming and hawing, tell him his son is the ideal man for you, you feel lucky to have him, and you don't appreciate it when someone who is supposed to love him doesn't give him credit for all that he has accomplished.

DEAR ABBY: "Pillow Talk in Abilene" (July 24) had to have been written by my husband, Dick. I went looking for him and asked if he had written to you. When I held up your column, he was shocked. We laughed so hard I had trouble reading the piece to him.

This scenario must be universal. I make the bed with the pillow opening on the outside; Dick makes it with the opening on the inside. We always thought it was funny because we do many things differently. Thanks for the dose of morning humor. -- PAT AND DICK IN SPRING HILL, FLA.

DEAR PAT AND DICK: I'm pleased to have started your morning on a light note. Read on for more -- as well as some practical explanations:

DEAR ABBY: There's a very good reason why the open end of the pillow faces the inside of the bed. When I was 3 or 4, I realized that placing the open end toward the inside would prevent monsters from getting into my pillow. It has worked like a charm for 55 years. -- RESTING EASY IN KANSAS

DEAR ABBY: I was in the military, and bed-making is one of the things you learn in boot camp, in addition to how to properly fold T-shirts, underwear and bras -- yes, folding bras. The mantra for placing pillowcases is, "Seam and Slack to the Center of the Rack," open end to the left (which indicates the outside edge of the bed). So there you go -- straight from Uncle Sam himself. -- SHELLIE IN CHICAGO

DEAR ABBY: It sounds to me that "Pillow Talk" and his wife have too much time on their hands. If all they have to do is debate which way to turn the pillows when they make the bed, how do they feel about the epidemic of belly-button lint? What difference does it make which way the pillow edges are turned? They're usually hidden by a comforter or spread anyway. -- PRACTICAL IN WINSTON-SALEM, N.C.

DEAR ABBY: In nursing school we were taught that the opening of the pillowcase should face away from the entrance to the room. The reason is when you walk, germs and particles from the floor are kicked up and can enter the side of the pillow, which increases the potential for infections and disease through the capture of microorganisms in the pillow opening. -- SANDY IN ARIZONA

DEAR ABBY: I didn't think your readers could top (or bottom) the great toilet paper debate (over the front or under the back), but the question about the direction of the pillowcase opening has done it. Most of us are preoccupied with worrying about health care, the economy, the two wars we are fighting, our jobs and putting food on the table. That couple needs to get a life! -- JOHN W., LEXINGTON, KY.

DEAR ABBY: As a young girl I was taught the "proper" way to make a bed was with the pillowcase opening facing the edge of the bed -- not the middle. Back then, this was done so leaking feathers wouldn't end up inside the bed but on the floor. -- INGER IN PORTSMOUTH, N.H.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I had the same argument, until he explained why he wanted the edges facing out. When he put his arm under me to "spoon," he would get caught in the pillowcase if it faced in. We solved the problem by making the bed up for "looks," but when we turn it down for the night, we flip the pillow around. Now we're both happy! -- MINDY IN NEW MEXICO

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