DEAR ABBY: I know it's early, but my problem is Thanksgiving. For the past several years we have included four other families for Thanksgiving dinner in our home. Their children are married now, and including their spouses and stepchildren, the number of guests is now close to 30. I feel it is too many and would like to downsize.

One family is my son's in-laws, whom I consider to be family. Another family hosts everyone for Easter, and I would still like to include them because we're close and we spend holidays with them.

The other two families are not as close with us anymore. We have never been invited to celebrate a holiday in their homes. They could cook for their families, and I feel like I am being used. I would like to tell them, after Thanksgiving is over this year, that we plan to have a smaller gathering next year. That will allow them ample time to make other plans. My husband agrees. How do I do this without causing a rift, since two families will be included and two won't? -- THANKSGIVING QUANDARY

DEAR QUANDARY: Because you are feeling "used," why not draw the line now? If you do, the two families will still have time to make other plans.

The way to handle it would be to say: "This has been a year when everyone has had to cut back, and we are no exception. That's why we are limiting the number of guests we will be entertaining this Thanksgiving. We wanted you to know so there is enough time for you to make other arrangements. The parties have simply become too much work and too expensive to continue."

If those folks are friends, they'll grasp the economic reality and won't resent your honesty and pragmatism. And if they don't, they weren't real friends to begin with.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 42-year-old female physician. I have been dating an engineer for some time who is currently unemployed. He's a good person, gentle and affectionate. However, he won't introduce me to his mother. I'm not sure why. The subject has come up several times, and he keeps putting it off. She's his only living family member.

Should this raise a red flag? We're both from India and he lives with his mother, which is common practice. -- M.D. IN A MUDDLE

DEAR M.D.: If the man is financially or emotionally dependent on his mother, he may be afraid that she will disapprove. Or, it could have something to do with the fact that he's unemployed. Whatever his reason, he owes you an explanation if you've been seeing each other for an extended period of time. And yes, it is a red flag. Bright red.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend of several years has just told me he won't marry me as long as I have student loan debt to pay off. I have always been upfront with him about the amount of money I owe. It's a sizable sum, but my credit is good.

He says he loves me but cannot, in good faith, start a life with me owing that much money. Abby, am I wrong to think that student loans should not stop two people who love each other from getting married? -- LOANED OUT IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR LOANED OUT: No, you are not. And furthermore, I suspect that rather than the money being the issue, it's that your boyfriend has had a change of heart.

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DEAR ABBY: Several months ago I made a terrible mistake and e-mailed "Tom" -- a friend I had a crush on -- some topless pictures of myself. Tom rejected me because he is happily married. I am married, too, and when my husband, "Jake," discovered the pictures on our computer and realized what I had done, we discussed it and agreed to put them aside and never talk about them again.

Because Tom and I are friends and he was doing some repair work on our home, I have spoken to him on my cell phone numerous times. When Jake saw the phone records and realized I was still talking to Tom, he posted my pictures on an Internet porn site for all the world to see and blamed Tom so I wouldn't speak to him anymore.

Abby, Jake never told me I couldn't speak to Tom. That he made me believe that Tom was the bad guy is upsetting, even though I was wrong in the first place for sending my pictures to him. Do two wrongs make a right? I'm so upset by what Jake did that I don't want him to touch me. In fact, I want a divorce. I don't know what to do. Please help me. -- LINDA IN TEXAS

DEAR LINDA: Your husband was willing to forgive and forget the fact that you were trying to start an affair by sending the photos to Tom. When you "discussed it and agreed never to talk about them again," he took for granted that you would end the "friendship." And you should have. Your actions weren't platonic and were a threat to your own marriage. When your husband realized that the flirtation was ongoing, he punished you in a cruel way.

Two wrongs do NOT make a right. And my advice to you and Jake is to sit down with a marriage counselor, figure out where your relationship went off track and decide, calmly, whether your marriage is worth saving.

DEAR ABBY: My son, "Jeremy," age 25, married his high school sweetheart a little more than a year ago. They live about 4 1/2 hours away.

When Jeremy was growing up, he and I were very close. Since his marriage I have tried not to call as often as I did when he was single. I do call, but now I limit it to once every few weeks, although he rarely answers his phone. I wanted to let him call at his convenience.

He has told me that e-mail is the best way to reach him. The problem is, he doesn't respond to my e-mails, doesn't answer my calls and rarely phones me to see how our family is doing.

I was recently ill and Jeremy didn't even call to see how I was. I'm hurt, and part of me wants to tell him so. I'm afraid if I do I'll alienate him, but I feel he's already alienated. What should I do?

This is really starting to bother me. My son doesn't call his younger brother either (his best man) like before. Should we just back off and leave Jeremy alone? -- IN A SPOT IN VIRGINIA

DEAR IN A SPOT: Your son's life has changed and he has new responsibilities since his marriage, but that's no excuse for him not to answer calls and e-mails from you -- especially if they are as few and far between as you have described. His behavior is extremely rude, and one can only hope it isn't because his bride has taken over and rules the roost. You deserve some answers, so by all means clear the air.

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DEAR ABBY: I have been with my boyfriend, "Simon," for a year and a half. He's a good person, but my problem is I suffer from insomnia and have a hard time staying asleep. It is extremely frustrating -- not to mention lonely -- lying in the dark. I start to think about crazy things and it scares me.

If it gets really bad I wake Simon up, but he doesn't understand. He starts going off on me for waking him, to the point that I'm reduced to tears. Then he goes back to sleep.

What should I do? This is a disorder that is going to be with me for some time. Simon doesn't seem to care despite my numerous attempts to explain it to him. I know people hate being awakened from a sleep, but he's my significant other. Isn't he supposed to help me out? -- ANXIOUS IN ANCHORAGE

DEAR ANXIOUS: Of course he should. However, because he is either unwilling or unable to offer the emotional support you need to help you through your night terrors, you are going to have to help yourself. That's why I'm recommending you talk to your physician about a referral to the nearest sleep disorder clinic. You need to understand and overcome whatever is keeping you up, because both you and Simon need a good night's sleep to remain healthy and effective during the daytime.

DEAR ABBY: My fiance and I are being married in about a month. Some friends in another country (who don't speak English) offered to design and give us our rings as a wedding gift. They asked whether we wanted white or yellow gold, and we specified white or a combination of both -- but not yellow by itself.

Yellow gold is what my parents used to wear -- and they had a terrible relationship and an even worse divorce.

The rings arrived and they are beautiful, but they are yellow gold! I'm assuming something was lost in translation. I know a marriage isn't about the rings, but I had my heart set on wearing ones unlike my parents'.

I don't think anything can be done at this point, and I don't want to raise an objection about such a generous gift. Have you any words of wisdom to help me overcome my hang-ups and this silly feeling of disappointment? -- FEELING SHALLOW IN SUNNY CALIFORNIA

DEAR FEELING SHALLOW: Your parents had a rotten marriage, but their rings had nothing to do with it. We create our own symbols and attach meaning to them. Instead of allowing the gold rings to remind you of your parents' unhappiness, why not let them serve as a reminder of what's important in a marriage so you won't make the same mistakes they did? And if that doesn't work, consult a jeweler about having them plated.

DEAR ABBY: Is it rude to put salt on your food before you have even tried it? My husband was terribly offended when I blurted out, "Try it before you season it!" -- NADINE IN ONTARIO, CANADA

DEAR NADINE: Yes, it is rude. And it's interesting that your husband became so defensive, because usually it's the person who cooked the dish who is offended. The polite thing to do is to first taste the item before deciding to correct the seasoning.

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