DEAR ABBY: I need your help badly. I am 39 years old and live with my mother due to a physical disability. Mom becomes violent when she gets mad or upset. If she's having a bad day, I can expect her to be in my face (literally). She yells and screams, and if I refuse to yell back at her or try to ignore her -- the only way I know how to deal with the situation -- she gets even madder.

I have suggested counseling, but she insists that she is fine and that I'm the one who needs the help. What do I do? I can't keep on this way, and I am unable to go anywhere. -- CAN'T STAND THE VIOLENCE

DEAR CAN'T: Your mother is an emotional mess, but she is half-right. You DO need help. And the place you can get it is the National Adult Protective Services Association (NAPSA). It's an organization that has been around for 20 years -- and has members in all 50 states as well as Canada. Here's how to find them: Go to www.apsnetwork.org. Next, click on "Report Abuse," then click on your state.

Your mother needs help, too, and the people at Adult Protective Services can help her face that reality. Please write again and let me know how you're doing. I care.

DEAR ABBY: The day before my wedding, my fiance's aunt left me a gift. After the wedding I opened it and read the card that was enclosed. It was lingerie, which seemed like a well-intentioned gift.

The card, however, was a bit puzzling. Turns out the lingerie was her own, and slightly used. On the card she said it had been "only used a few times." It struck me as inappropriate to receive "used" (and wrong-sized) lingerie from a new aunt-in-law. However, I do believe she was well-intentioned.

Abby, her gift made me uncomfortable. Am I wrong in thinking it was inappropriate? Any thoughts on how to write a thank-you card for such a gift? -- FLUMMOXED IN THE USA

DEAR FLUMMOXED: This new relative may be a "character," or she may not have had the means to buy you a wedding gift and gave you the nicest thing she could come up with.

My advice is to be gracious. Do not tell her the lingerie is the wrong size or criticize it in any way. Simply say: "Thank you for welcoming me into the family. Your kindness and thoughtfulness are appreciated, and I look forward to getting to know you in the years to come."

DEAR ABBY: With the support of my friend "Lynn," I left "Stephanie," my wife of 17 years -- after she admitted to more than two dozen affairs over the course of our marriage. I am now in a relationship with Lynn and very happy.

My problem is my kids think I left Stephanie for Lynn because that is what their mother has told them. As much as I despise what my wife has done, I would never tell them the truth. I tell them Mommy and Daddy had their "differences," but they know there is more to the story. Please advise. -- ALMOST HAPPILY EVER AFTER IN UTAH

DEAR ALMOST: Mommy and Daddy did, indeed, have their differences. And there is also more to the story. If Lynn hadn't been there supporting you, would you still be tolerating Stephanie's serial infidelity? If the answer is yes, then in a sense, you did leave Stephanie for Lynn, which may have been healthier for all concerned. But since your children already know there is more to the story, tell them you'll tell them the rest of it when they are older if they still want to know. And when they're adults, if they do, follow through.

DEAR ABBY: I am sick of being afraid of everything in my life. I'm a 21-year-old college student who wakes up every morning wondering what will go wrong today or what I am going to screw up this time. I don't know how to get beyond the little misfortunes that occur on a daily basis, and I take every form of criticism to heart, even if it's a joke.

I get nervous before and during every activity I take part in. I also get nervous talking to close friends and relatives and have a hard time articulating what I mean to say because I'm afraid everyone is judging me.

Please tell me how to relax for once; I honestly do not know how. My stress level is over the top, and it exhausts me beyond belief. I know I have a problem, and counseling is not an option. -- MESSED UP IN OHIO

DEAR MESSED UP: Excuse me? Counseling is not only an "option," in your case it is important you seek it out. You are fortunate to be in college, because your next stop should be the student health center. Anxiety can feed on itself, and sometimes it takes medical and psychological intervention to quiet the adrenaline rush that's causing it. Once that's done, you can then address the cause of your depression and low self-esteem and start feeling better about yourself. Please don't wait.

DEAR ABBY: I am 20 years old and during this past year I have been exposed to more drugs than I ever thought possible. I have tried many of them -- from prescription drugs, marijuana and cocaine to ecstasy.

I know my decisions were reckless. Abby, I'm writing this in the hope of reaching out to anyone who will listen. I was blessed that I didn't become addicted, and even luckier that I'm still alive.

There are those who are not as fortunate as I am. I have heard more stories about drug abuse, overdoses and drug-related deaths in my town than I can handle. I want to change this. I want to make a difference. But I need help. How can I get involved and make people in my community more aware that our town has a problem? -- REACHING OUT IN LAKE HAVASU CITY, ARIZ.

DEAR REACHING OUT: By writing this letter, you have already taken the first step in raising awareness. Now it's up to your local police and your board of education to take some action. Everyone knows that passing laws is not enough unless they are enforced. And one of the most effective weapons in eliminating drug abuse is education.

DEAR ABBY: Can you please tell me where is the proper placement of a name tag?

I own a small business and attend many networking events. Some people have told me the tag should be worn on the right side so you can see it when you shake hands. Others say it should be on the left, because people read from left to right. What is the proper etiquette? -- JEFF IN STUART, FLA.

DEAR JEFF: According to Emily Post, the tags are usually worn on the right side because that's where most people look when they first greet each other with a handshake. (Using this logic, some women should paste the tag just above the middle of their chests.)

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband berates and belittles me constantly. He calls me "worthless, stupid, lazy, no-good and crazy." He controls my every move and follows me around the kitchen when I'm trying to cook. I got so nervous last week that I dropped a kettle of soup and burned myself.

He followed me into the laundry room, watched me load the washer before putting in the detergent, then yelled at me that I was doing it "backward." He removes the dishes from the dishwasher and rearranges them so they're the way he thinks they should be. He says I can't do anything right, and I'm starting to believe him.

I leave the house only to buy groceries because I'm afraid people are laughing and staring at me. I sleep half the day. I used to go out and have fun; now I sit at home with the drapes drawn. I don't have the energy to clean the house. I cry every day.

Our two boys are 8 and 11. He controls their every move, too. There's so much stress in this house they are starting to turn against him.

The emotional abuse started a couple of years ago. When I try to discuss it, he calls me crazy and a liar and denies it. I used to be healthy as a horse, but now I have headaches and stomach pains.

Friends say I should leave, but I can't just pick up and walk out with two sons to raise. He threatens to get custody because I am "insane." I stay because I don't want to lose my boys. I'm afraid to see a doctor. He may say I'm crazy, too. Please help me. -- LESS THAN ZERO IN ILLINOIS

DEAR LESS THAN ZERO: Please trust me and consult a doctor immediately. Your symptoms are probably stress-related. You may also be depressed from the unrelenting abuse.

You are not crazy, but your husband may be. Once you have spoken to your doctor, contact the National Domestic Abuse Hotline. They can help you and the boys escape. Their toll-free number is (800) 799-7233.

Whether your husband is sick or just an abusive bully remains to be seen. But for your sake and your children's, do not tolerate this situation. If you stay, he will not only destroy you emotionally, but also your boys.

DEAR ABBY: I live with a wonderful woman with whom I am completely in love. I know she feels the same. My problem is she won't tell me what year she was born. I know she's older than I am, but by how much I don't know.

She told me that in her previous relationships her husband and boyfriend left her for younger women. I've told her age has nothing to do with how I feel about her, but she's afraid that if I know her exact age I will leave. I have done all I can to reassure her, but she still won't tell me.

What can I do to make her understand that her age is unimportant to me so far as how I feel about her? Or should I just forget about ever knowing her true age? -- IN LOVE IN SAN ANTONIO

DEAR IN LOVE: You've done all you can. Your lady friend has been "snake bit" twice. So if you really love her and don't care about her age, drop the subject, since you know it's a painful one for her. Got it?

TO MY JEWISH READERS: At sundown, Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement and the holiest day of the Jewish calendar, begins -- a time for reflection, prayer and repentance. To all of you, may your fast be an easy one.