DEAR ABBY: I'm one of the smartest people in my seventh-grade class. Sometimes it's hard being that person. Once, when I was in fifth grade, someone came up to me and told me, "No offense, but I think you're a know-it-all." Let me tell you, that did not feel good!

What should I do? I know almost all the answers in class, but I don't want to answer because of what people will think. Please help me. -- SMART SEVENTH-GRADER IN MICHIGAN

DEAR SMART SEVENTH-GRADER: Talk to your teacher and also your school counselor about your feelings. If you know all the answers in class, it's possible that you would qualify for advanced classes -- or even for skipping a grade. Of course, your parents would have to agree, but it's worth a try.

One thing is certain, you should not refrain from participating to the fullest extent you can in class. And the classmate who called you a know-it-all in fifth grade was out of line.

DEAR ABBY: I am getting married next month. It's a first marriage for both of us, and I love "Evan" with all my heart. I'd do anything and everything for him -- but I'm scared.

A few days ago, Evan said he wanted to move back the date of the wedding. It just about killed me. I thought maybe he didn't want to marry me, or he doesn't love me. He saw how badly I took the news and told me later that night that the wedding could go on as scheduled.

Abby, how do I know if Evan wants to marry me? What if he is doing it just so I won't be sad? I don't want him to marry me if he's not ready. Please help. -- WORRIED BRIDE-TO-BE IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR WORRIED BRIDE-TO-BE: Tell Evan that you were shaken when he told you he wanted to postpone the wedding. Then tell him that if that's how he really feels, you agree it would be a good idea to wait. If he seems relieved, you will have your answer, and be glad you found out before you married him, not after.

However, if your fiance says he still wants the wedding to go on as planned, tell him that you'll agree only if he agrees to premarital counseling. It could avert any number of problems later. Trust me.

DEAR ABBY: I am getting married next month. It's a first marriage for both of us, and I love "Evan" with all my heart. I'd do anything and everything for him -- but I'm scared.

A few days ago, Evan said he wanted to move back the date of the wedding. It just about killed me. I thought maybe he didn't want to marry me, or he doesn't love me. He saw how badly I took the news and told me later that night that the wedding could go on as scheduled.

Abby, how do I know if Evan wants to marry me? What if he is doing it just so I won't be sad? I don't want him to marry me if he's not ready. Please help. -- WORRIED BRIDE-TO-BE IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR WORRIED BRIDE-TO-BE: Tell Evan that you were shaken when he told you he wanted to postpone the wedding. Then tell him that if that's how he really feels, you agree it would be a good idea to wait. If he seems relieved, you will have your answer, and be glad you found out before you married him, not after.

However, if your fiance says he still wants the wedding to go on as planned, tell him that you'll agree only if he agrees to premarital counseling. It could avert any number of problems later. Trust me.

DEAR ABBY: Our son, "Philip," has been married for two years. He recently informed his wife, "Karla," that one of his co-workers -- I'll call her Sarah -- is pregnant with his child. Philip says he still loves Karla and wants to stay together, but he feels an obligation to the other child. Karla is now pregnant with their first baby.

The problem is, Philip is spending most of his time at Sarah's home caring for her, and very little time with his wife.

My wife and I don't know how we should handle the relationship with the two grandchildren. What are our obligations to each? Should we treat them both the same? By the way, my wife and I have never met Sarah. -- DOUBLE-WHAMMIED IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR DOUBLE-WHAMMIED: None of this is the fault of your grandchildren, so think with your hearts and treat them equally.

Forgive me if this seems pessimistic, but from your description of your son's behavior, I seriously doubt that his marriage to Karla is going to last. So don't worry about not having met Sarah. If he continues to spend the lion's share of his time with her, the chances are good that you'll be seeing quite a bit of her in the future.

DEAR ABBY: "Robert" and I have been married for 10 years. A few months ago I discovered that he'd had an affair. He says it was because he felt I didn't love him anymore and we weren't communicating. I have never stopped loving him.

The funny thing is, I felt the same way he did -- upset that he was spending more time away from home. We're now trying to work things out, but it's hard for me. I keep learning more information about their relationship, and it breaks my heart all over again. I know who she is and what she looks like.

I'll be seeing this woman at a bridal shower soon, and later on this fall at a wedding. Robert says she doesn't know what I look like. I am tempted to pretend to be someone else and quiz her about their relationship.

I'm just so lost. I want to let all of this go and move on, but I haven't been able to. How do I handle the upcoming events with her? I love Robert, and he's trying to make things right. -- BROKEN AND LOST IN ILLINOIS

DEAR BROKEN AND LOST: Are you masochistic? You know about the affair; you and Robert are trying to work things out. So quit digging because whatever you unearth will only prolong your pain and insecurity. Your time would be better spent on improving the level of communication you have with your husband. And if you're afraid you'll fall apart or do something inappropriate at the sight of his former love, then my advice is to skip the festivities.

DEAR ABBY: Dinner guests customarily bring gifts of wine to their hosts. The host offers wine with the dinner.

If a second bottle is desired, which wine would be used -- more from the host or is it better etiquette to open and serve the gift wine? -- BILL IN BEND, ORE.

DEAR BILL: It is not considered a breach of etiquette to keep the gift wine for use at another time, and the guest who brings it should not expect it to be served. (The same goes for candy and nuts, which are also popular house gifts.)

DEAR ABBY: I am responding to "Alone But Happy in Canada" (July 12), who feels guilty because she feels relieved following the death of her husband from a long, difficult illness.

Everyone grieves differently, but I don't think grieving a loved one's loss BEFORE his or her death is uncommon. I've known several people who watched loved ones wither away into helpless, needy and miserable individuals. I can't think of one who didn't feel the same as "Alone But Happy."

I have begun referring to it as "grieve-as-you-go guilt." A person grieves through the decline and eventual demise of a beloved mate, and when she fails to feel sadness, she substitutes guilt where she believes her grief should be. But actually she has been grieving all along, and needs to acknowledge that fact. Only then will she be able to enjoy not only her clean house, but her clear conscience as well. -- AZY IN WASHINGTON

DEAR AZY: You have keen insight. Other readers wrote wanting to offer reassurance to "Alone But Happy." Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Your answer to "Alone" was appreciated by all caregivers, I'm sure. Nobody knows, unless they have walked that particular path, how difficult and lonely it is to watch a spouse disappear over a long time, losing the history you share together, making hard decisions alone, and rebuilding an identity not tied to the past. Every morning brings a new bout of grief from the moment of wakening -- every day another day you don't want to face.

Keeping healthy and planning ahead for yourself, not as a caregiver but as a participant in the "real world," is the only way to maintain sanity sometimes. Though I love my husband dearly, I look forward to having a life again that is not centered on his disease. No one should be made to feel guilty for restarting life when he or she has given so much. -- DAY AT A TIME

DEAR ABBY: I also lost my husband of 35 years just a month ago. He endured several years of health problems and as his caregiver, I, too, felt a great sense of relief with his passing. I do not, however, feel guilty about it.

I realize that I have been grieving for several years already, as I knew this time would be coming. In many ways it is as if I am in the final stage of the process even though my husband's death has only just occurred.

Our son put it best when he said at my husband's bedside, "I lost my dad several years ago, but my father died tonight." He, too, understands that his grief began a long time ago. -- MOVING FORWARD

DEAR ABBY: Having to put another person's needs and wants before one's own can be very stressful. Not everyone is able to do that and stay pleasant and patient at all times. Fortunately, I found a local caregivers' support group. Our weekly meetings help us see that we are not alone in experiencing the trials and tribulations of family caregiving.

For those who are laboring to do their best for their sick or disabled loved ones, let me suggest they find a Senior Information and Assistance office in their area. Another resource is the National Family Caregivers Association (� HYPERLINK "http://www.thefamilycaregiver.org" ��www.thefamilycaregiver.org�; phone (800) 896-3650). These may be helpful in allowing caregivers mental and physical relief by connecting them with hourly in-home care services.

It is important that people experiencing this kind of stress get respite time to themselves, away from their care recipient, in order to be able to keep on helping them. -- ONE OF THE MANY