DEAR ABBY: Our son, "Philip," has been married for two years. He recently informed his wife, "Karla," that one of his co-workers -- I'll call her Sarah -- is pregnant with his child. Philip says he still loves Karla and wants to stay together, but he feels an obligation to the other child. Karla is now pregnant with their first baby.

The problem is, Philip is spending most of his time at Sarah's home caring for her, and very little time with his wife.

My wife and I don't know how we should handle the relationship with the two grandchildren. What are our obligations to each? Should we treat them both the same? By the way, my wife and I have never met Sarah. -- DOUBLE-WHAMMIED IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR DOUBLE-WHAMMIED: None of this is the fault of your grandchildren, so think with your hearts and treat them equally.

Forgive me if this seems pessimistic, but from your description of your son's behavior, I seriously doubt that his marriage to Karla is going to last. So don't worry about not having met Sarah. If he continues to spend the lion's share of his time with her, the chances are good that you'll be seeing quite a bit of her in the future.

DEAR ABBY: "Robert" and I have been married for 10 years. A few months ago I discovered that he'd had an affair. He says it was because he felt I didn't love him anymore and we weren't communicating. I have never stopped loving him.

The funny thing is, I felt the same way he did -- upset that he was spending more time away from home. We're now trying to work things out, but it's hard for me. I keep learning more information about their relationship, and it breaks my heart all over again. I know who she is and what she looks like.

I'll be seeing this woman at a bridal shower soon, and later on this fall at a wedding. Robert says she doesn't know what I look like. I am tempted to pretend to be someone else and quiz her about their relationship.

I'm just so lost. I want to let all of this go and move on, but I haven't been able to. How do I handle the upcoming events with her? I love Robert, and he's trying to make things right. -- BROKEN AND LOST IN ILLINOIS

DEAR BROKEN AND LOST: Are you masochistic? You know about the affair; you and Robert are trying to work things out. So quit digging because whatever you unearth will only prolong your pain and insecurity. Your time would be better spent on improving the level of communication you have with your husband. And if you're afraid you'll fall apart or do something inappropriate at the sight of his former love, then my advice is to skip the festivities.

DEAR ABBY: I am responding to "Alone But Happy in Canada" (July 12), who feels guilty because she feels relieved following the death of her husband from a long, difficult illness.

Everyone grieves differently, but I don't think grieving a loved one's loss BEFORE his or her death is uncommon. I've known several people who watched loved ones wither away into helpless, needy and miserable individuals. I can't think of one who didn't feel the same as "Alone But Happy."

I have begun referring to it as "grieve-as-you-go guilt." A person grieves through the decline and eventual demise of a beloved mate, and when she fails to feel sadness, she substitutes guilt where she believes her grief should be. But actually she has been grieving all along, and needs to acknowledge that fact. Only then will she be able to enjoy not only her clean house, but her clear conscience as well. -- AZY IN WASHINGTON

DEAR AZY: You have keen insight. Other readers wrote wanting to offer reassurance to "Alone But Happy." Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Your answer to "Alone" was appreciated by all caregivers, I'm sure. Nobody knows, unless they have walked that particular path, how difficult and lonely it is to watch a spouse disappear over a long time, losing the history you share together, making hard decisions alone, and rebuilding an identity not tied to the past. Every morning brings a new bout of grief from the moment of wakening -- every day another day you don't want to face.

Keeping healthy and planning ahead for yourself, not as a caregiver but as a participant in the "real world," is the only way to maintain sanity sometimes. Though I love my husband dearly, I look forward to having a life again that is not centered on his disease. No one should be made to feel guilty for restarting life when he or she has given so much. -- DAY AT A TIME

DEAR ABBY: I also lost my husband of 35 years just a month ago. He endured several years of health problems and as his caregiver, I, too, felt a great sense of relief with his passing. I do not, however, feel guilty about it.

I realize that I have been grieving for several years already, as I knew this time would be coming. In many ways it is as if I am in the final stage of the process even though my husband's death has only just occurred.

Our son put it best when he said at my husband's bedside, "I lost my dad several years ago, but my father died tonight." He, too, understands that his grief began a long time ago. -- MOVING FORWARD

DEAR ABBY: Having to put another person's needs and wants before one's own can be very stressful. Not everyone is able to do that and stay pleasant and patient at all times. Fortunately, I found a local caregivers' support group. Our weekly meetings help us see that we are not alone in experiencing the trials and tribulations of family caregiving.

For those who are laboring to do their best for their sick or disabled loved ones, let me suggest they find a Senior Information and Assistance office in their area. Another resource is the National Family Caregivers Association (� HYPERLINK "http://www.thefamilycaregiver.org" ��www.thefamilycaregiver.org�; phone (800) 896-3650). These may be helpful in allowing caregivers mental and physical relief by connecting them with hourly in-home care services.

It is important that people experiencing this kind of stress get respite time to themselves, away from their care recipient, in order to be able to keep on helping them. -- ONE OF THE MANY

DEAR ABBY: For 15 years I was a happily married homemaker with a wonderful husband. "Duncan" and I attended church together, frolicked through the fields, even exterminated rodents together. He was my best friend. It was bliss.

Last year I found out my father had had an affair with Duncan's mother the year I was born, which makes him my half-brother! The news was too much for my husband. He had a fatal heart attack not long after.

What should I put on his gravestone -- "Loving Brother" or "Loving Husband"? -- GRIEVING IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR GRIEVING: Neither. How about "He was 'Everything' to me"? That should about cover it.

DEAR ABBY: I'm in a relationship with a man I met online who lives out of state. He has been to see me a dozen times over the last three years. We say we love each other and want to spend the rest of our lives together. But over the last 18 months I have realized we have NOTHING in common -- and our views on life, policy and politics are completely opposite.

For three years we have talked every single day, mostly about how much we love each other. It's when we try to have a real conversation we start to disagree. He says we're entitled to our own opinions, and I agree, but I can't help but wonder what kind of future we could have together when we cannot discuss anything but how we feel about each other. -- SECOND THOUGHTS IN ANAHEIM

DEAR SECOND THOUGHTS: It's a shame you two can't spend some extended time together because the answer to your question would become evident. From where I sit, I think there would be conflict on a daily basis regardless of how much you "love" each other. I put the word love in quotes because love is something that grows from mutual respect, and I'm not sure how long you would remain mutually respectful in light of the fact your worldviews are completely different.

DEAR ABBY: My father died two years ago and asked that I administer my mother's finances. She has now burned through two-thirds of the savings he left her, and she refuses to accept any advice I have tried to give her about her spending.

I have told my mother repeatedly that I do not have the resources to take care of her when she runs out of money. I know she assumes that I will because she is my mother.

How do I deal with a parent who is narcissistic and out of touch with reality? I have told her I'll gladly hand over her finances to my brother, but she doesn't want him to get involved. I have asked him for advice, but he won't respond.

Do I just let her go through everything and struggle in the end, or stick to my guns? After all, it's her money and I can't refuse to make it available to her. Please advise. -- MOTHER'S KEEPER IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR MOTHER'S KEEPER: I suspect your brother is acting the way he is because he's miffed at not being asked to handle the finances to begin with, or he simply wants to stay out of it. But you cannot allow your mother to continue spending her inheritance at the rate she is. Consult the attorney who drafted your father's will and ask if there's a way to not only put the brakes on her, but also take some of the responsibility off your shoulders.

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