DEAR ABBY: My mother and stepfather are divorcing after 30 years together. Mama has moved in with my husband, children and me. My stepfather is alone in their house and struggling to pay the bills.

The problem is Mama wants to confide in me and tell me all her troubles with "Donald." I told her I don't want to hear any of it because I don't want to end up hating him. Donald is my children's grandfather and the only father I have ever known. (There was no abuse involved in their marriage.)

Mother said I am her "best friend," and I should "be there" for her. Then she burst into tears and left. Was I wrong? I told her I support her in every way, but I don't think I should be the one she talks to about her failed marriage. I don't discuss their relationship with my stepdad either. Please tell me how to handle this. -- CAN'T LISTEN IN DELRAY BEACH, FLA.

DEAR CAN'T LISTEN: Please forgive the understatement, but the process of divorce is an extremely emotional one. Your mother may be trying to justify why she walked out and force you to take sides.

Encourage her to express her hurt and disappointment to her spiritual adviser. He or she is more qualified to guide your mom because there is no emotional involvement.

P.S. You are not only a caring daughter, but also a very intelligent one. Hang in there.

DEAR ABBY: Our older daughter is almost 40. It has taken me decades to finally face the fact that she is self-centered, deceitful, manipulative, promiscuous, and enjoys the chaos and drama her bad choices cause. It has wrecked her life and is ruining her children's lives as well. Her lifestyle is radically different from ours and that of our younger daughter.

We have distanced ourselves. It's not that we don't love her -- we just cannot accept the way she chooses to live her life. Her teenage children have begun to mirror her bad behavior. I feel guilty about it, but the drama is more than I can stand. Are we terrible parents? -- DESPAIRING MOM IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR DESPAIRING MOM: No, you're not "terrible." In a case like this, backing off is a rational, self-protective reaction to the reality that your daughter is an adult and responsible for her own choices.

DEAR ABBY: I am a divorced woman with one child, and I'm in a relationship with a younger man. He has his own home, and I have mine. He stays at my house three nights a week and every other weekend, when my child is not with me. He eats and grooms himself in my home and swims in the community pool.

He never offers to pay for anything, like food, movie tickets, etc. If we go out, he expects me to pay my own way.

In today's world is there any responsibility on a man in a relationship to pay for anything other than himself? Are the days of men taking women out and paying for the date gone? Shouldn't he offer to bring groceries during the times he spends at my home? What should a lady expect from a man in a dating relationship? -- GAL IN VIRGINIA

DEAR GAL: More than you're getting. When someone is in a romantic relationship, there is usually some "courting" behavior involved. (Even birds of prey will bring their prospective mate a dead rat occasionally.) When two people care about each other, there is usually some give and take. But in your case you appear to be doing all the giving.

TO MY MUSLIM READERS: To all of you, a happy Eid al-Fitr!

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: Last April, you printed my question about whether or not I should go to my junior prom even though I was nervous about boys and being dateless. I took your advice and went with friends.

It turned out to be the right decision. The prom was one of the funnest nights I have ever had. I danced and danced with all my friends, and there were plenty of other girls there without dates. We all just danced together and had a great time.

I realized that I overreacted about the entire boys issue and had worried too much. It turns out I wasn't the only one who felt that way. One of my friends hadn't been sure if she wanted to go either because of not having a date. However, like me, she realized it didn't matter and went anyway -- which is what I am happy about, too.

Teenagers like me shouldn't worry about the cliche that going to the prom requires a date. It doesn't! You can just go and have a good time with your friends without worrying about life for a few hours. It gave me a chance to let go of the stress I had been having and express myself. Thank you for your advice. -- THANKFUL TEEN IN N.Y.

DEAR THANKFUL TEEN: You're welcome. I am often asked whether the people who write to me let me know how my advice worked out. Your letter made my day -- and I hope it will encourage other teens who find themselves with the same dilemma you were facing. Thank you for taking the time to send the update.

DEAR ABBY: My husband just isn't romantic. When we were dating he'd bring me flowers and little surprises and cards. He never proposed -- we just kind of decided to get married. But when he bought the ring there was no getting down on one knee or profession of love.

It's been more than 26 years, and I thought I'd be over this by now. Unless I beat him over the head about it, he never plans anything or does anything romantic.

We had a mini-vacation a few weeks ago, and I said, "This is supposed to be a romantic vacation." He didn't get the hint. No surprises, no dinner reservations, no flowers. What's a girl to do with a great guy with no romance in his bones? -- WISTFUL IN WILMINGTON

DEAR WISTFUL: Because he's a great guy, love him anyway. Then pick out some lovely gifts for yourself, plan the vacations and make the reservations -- including some romantic dinners. No one has everything, so focus on the positive and count your blessings.

DEAR ABBY: When my dad passed away four years ago, I was only 13. My mother has raised me by herself and brought up the issue of dating only once after Daddy died. She asked how I felt about her dating again, and I started crying.

Now that a few years have passed, I have changed my mind. I think it's time for her to get out again. The problem is, she still wears her wedding ring. I think she needs to take it off, so she can send a different message to available men. She's attractive, in her mid-50s and deserves to be happy again. How can I help her? -- LOVING DAUGHTER, MANKATO, MINN.

DEAR DAUGHTER: Tell your mom that now you're older, the idea of her finding love again is no longer threatening and you want her to be happy. Suggest that removing her wedding ring would be a step in the right direction -- then be quiet and hear her out. She may be open to dating again -- or she may be happy with her life just the way it is.

DEAR ABBY: I recently met a woman at a "Mommy and Me" class. We hit it off immediately and started making plans for play dates, etc. During one class we started talking about our husbands, and I realized that her husband is someone I had a casual relationship with 10 years ago.

I have avoided getting together with her ever since because I don't know if it is appropriate to tell her how well I know her husband. I have not had any contact with him, and I don't know how he would feel about my friendship with his wife. If we are to be friends, I feel I must be honest with her. I'd appreciate your advice. -- FEELING AWKWARD IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR FEELING AWKWARD: If the situation were reversed, how would you feel about it? Would you feel OK with it if she had rejected your husband? If he rejected her, would you care to reintroduce someone who might be considered a "woman scorned"? Or are you all sophisticated enough to laugh it off and let bygones be bygones? If the answer to that last question is yes, then level with her. If not, then don't go there.

DEAR ABBY: "Mary" and I worked in the same department for 20 years. We would occasionally socialize outside of work along with our husbands. They eventually divorced, but I stayed friends with Mary. She remarried, transferred out of my department a few years ago, and we now see each other only at work-related functions.

I recently heard that her ex had passed away suddenly. I don't know whether I should send her a condolence card, call her or not mention anything until we bump into each other again. What is the proper procedure for acknowledging -- or not -- the death of an ex-spouse? -- ROCHELLE IN HAMILTON, N.Y.

DEAR ROCHELLE: If Mary's first marriage ended in a bitter divorce, drop her a line and let her know what you heard. She may not have heard the news. If the divorce was a friendly one, then give her a call and offer condolences. Not only would it be a gesture of support, but also an opportunity for the two of you to catch up.

DEAR ABBY: My friend, "Jane," who lives in California, is going through a painful divorce. She has recently become obsessed with a celebrity and, through fan chat rooms, found out where he hangs out, goes shopping, etc.

She is now attending his church. She has spoken to him casually twice and says she "knows" they are meant to be together.

I know Jane isn't violent, and I'm sure she would do him no harm, but when I mentioned counseling she accused me of being "jealous."

Abby, we're not teenagers. Jane is a 43-year-old woman. Mutual friends tell me I should let her have her fun. Am I right to be concerned? -- FRIEND OF A STALKER

DEAR FRIEND: Yes, to a degree, because your friend may be setting herself up for another disappointment. Sought-after celebrities develop an instinct for detecting obsessed fans who try to worm their way into their lives.

Right now, Jane's behavior is on the outer perimeters of normal. But if it escalates, contact the clergyperson of the church and let him or her know what's going on so he or she can take action or the celebrity can be notified.

TO MY JEWISH READERS: Rosh Hashanah begins tonight at sundown, so I'd like to wish everyone a happy, healthy new year!