DEAR ABBY: I recently met a woman at a "Mommy and Me" class. We hit it off immediately and started making plans for play dates, etc. During one class we started talking about our husbands, and I realized that her husband is someone I had a casual relationship with 10 years ago.

I have avoided getting together with her ever since because I don't know if it is appropriate to tell her how well I know her husband. I have not had any contact with him, and I don't know how he would feel about my friendship with his wife. If we are to be friends, I feel I must be honest with her. I'd appreciate your advice. -- FEELING AWKWARD IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR FEELING AWKWARD: If the situation were reversed, how would you feel about it? Would you feel OK with it if she had rejected your husband? If he rejected her, would you care to reintroduce someone who might be considered a "woman scorned"? Or are you all sophisticated enough to laugh it off and let bygones be bygones? If the answer to that last question is yes, then level with her. If not, then don't go there.

DEAR ABBY: "Mary" and I worked in the same department for 20 years. We would occasionally socialize outside of work along with our husbands. They eventually divorced, but I stayed friends with Mary. She remarried, transferred out of my department a few years ago, and we now see each other only at work-related functions.

I recently heard that her ex had passed away suddenly. I don't know whether I should send her a condolence card, call her or not mention anything until we bump into each other again. What is the proper procedure for acknowledging -- or not -- the death of an ex-spouse? -- ROCHELLE IN HAMILTON, N.Y.

DEAR ROCHELLE: If Mary's first marriage ended in a bitter divorce, drop her a line and let her know what you heard. She may not have heard the news. If the divorce was a friendly one, then give her a call and offer condolences. Not only would it be a gesture of support, but also an opportunity for the two of you to catch up.

DEAR ABBY: My friend, "Jane," who lives in California, is going through a painful divorce. She has recently become obsessed with a celebrity and, through fan chat rooms, found out where he hangs out, goes shopping, etc.

She is now attending his church. She has spoken to him casually twice and says she "knows" they are meant to be together.

I know Jane isn't violent, and I'm sure she would do him no harm, but when I mentioned counseling she accused me of being "jealous."

Abby, we're not teenagers. Jane is a 43-year-old woman. Mutual friends tell me I should let her have her fun. Am I right to be concerned? -- FRIEND OF A STALKER

DEAR FRIEND: Yes, to a degree, because your friend may be setting herself up for another disappointment. Sought-after celebrities develop an instinct for detecting obsessed fans who try to worm their way into their lives.

Right now, Jane's behavior is on the outer perimeters of normal. But if it escalates, contact the clergyperson of the church and let him or her know what's going on so he or she can take action or the celebrity can be notified.

TO MY JEWISH READERS: Rosh Hashanah begins tonight at sundown, so I'd like to wish everyone a happy, healthy new year!

DEAR ABBY: I am a 58-year-old woman who has just been dumped by my 55-year-old boyfriend for a younger woman. She is 18, and if that isn't bad enough -- she's my daughter. They are now living together.

For more than a year we functioned as a family. We had regular game nights and took a family vacation together. Because of their betrayal, I have lost my daughter, my boyfriend, the two people I thought were also my best friends, and my family all at the same time. I don't know anyone who has had this happen to them, but unfortunately there must be some out there.

How do I go on? How do I maintain a relationship with my daughter when she is living with my ex-boyfriend? How do I accept what has happened without approving of it? There is so much wrong with this I'm at a loss for rules or tools to handle it. -- IN CRUSHING PAIN IN OREGON

DEAR IN CRUSHING PAIN: There ARE no "rules." And it does occasionally happen -- most famously with Mia Farrow, her adopted daughter and her longtime boyfriend Woody Allen. I believe Ms. Farrow cut off all contact with both of them.

But enough about her. You are going to have to figure out what will work best for you. Your first step should be to seek spiritual support. Sometimes, with time, comes acceptance. But right now, it is crucial that you take care of yourself.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 19 and finally getting my life together. I have already experienced a lot emotionally and physically. I have recently started on the path to sobriety, but there are two problems. In the city where I live there is nothing to do after 10 p.m. if you're not a drunk. My friends from childhood not only do not support me but tell me I should just have a drink.

I know you should keep yourself surrounded by people who will lift you up, but these people have been my close companions for many years, and I don't think I can dismiss them that easily. Please help me. I like how my life is right now, and I need to know how to stay focused. -- DRUNK OR SOBER? IN NEW YORK

DEAR D. OR S.?: If you want to hang onto your sobriety, you are going to have to fight for it. You got off on a wrong path very early, and so did your childhood friends. But now you have an opportunity to make new ones -- the members of your sobriety program. The more time you spend with them, the less time you will have to allow yourself to be seduced into falling off the wagon.

If you're strong enough to do this, you can be a role model for some of your old drinking buddies, and some may decide to join you. But if they don't, you will have made new friends who have also made positive changes in their lives -- and that's not a bad consolation prize.

DEAR ABBY: Please tell me your position on this. Are adult children supposed to take an aging mother with them on vacation? If not, what is a gentle way to say no when the parent invites herself? Please help us. -- UNSURE IN OHIO

DEAR UNSURE: I think it depends upon the relationship between the mother and "child." It also depends upon the purpose of the vacation. If a couple is going away to relax and bond more closely with each other, they do not need a third wheel -- regardless of how much they might love her. And the way to say that is, "We need some alone time, Mom. Please understand."

DEAR ABBY: I am a male in my early 20s and lucky to have several good friends and acquaintances. I'm invited to gatherings and parties pretty regularly.

I have no problem relating to people I know well. But when I have to converse with people I don't know -- the "friends of friends" -- I feel uncomfortable.

It's not that I am particularly shy. It's that I stumble and become tongue-tied when I try to talk to someone I don't know very well. The conversation lags, and I think the other person ends up feeling as uneasy as I do.

In the scheme of things, I realize this is not like some of the other serious issues I see in your column, but I believe you have mentioned becoming better in social situations before. I don't want to come across as stuck up or unfriendly, and I'm afraid that's what might be happening. Can you help? -- DIALOGUE-DEFICIENT IN ST. PAUL

DEAR DIALOGUE-DEFICIENT: The phrase "seek and ye shall find" is one I heard years ago. It stuck in my memory because it can be applied to so many different things.

It applies in your situation because, believe it or not, when it comes to making conversation, being a good listener will do more for you than being a good talker.

If you want to make a hit with people, show an interest by asking them questions about themselves. People enjoy talking about themselves and what they're into. Give them a chance, and they'll think you're a great conversationalist.

Just remember to be tactful, discreet and not too personal. Example: Do not ask someone you've just met how much he or she paid for something, or whether the person always drinks as much as it appears he or she has that evening.

Be generous with compliments, but be sure they're sincere. Most people can spot a brown-noser within five minutes.

Stay informed about current events. The more you know about what's going on in the world, the better company you'll be. Read the news and editorials and -- of course -- Dear Abby.

These commonsense suggestions and more are contained in my booklet "How to Be Popular." It can be ordered by sending your name and mailing address, plus a check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds), to Dear Abby, Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price.

But before I finish with this subject, a word of warning: Don't be a know-it-all. People who come on like they're an authority on everything are about as welcome as a skunk at a garden party. They make those of us who are just average feel insecure and uncomfortable.

And when you talk to someone, look that person in the eye. If you're constantly looking over his or her shoulder, the person will think you're looking for other company. This happened to me when I was introduced to a man who was running for office, and needless to say, the man didn't get my vote.