DEAR ABBY: My brother-in-law, "Ray," and his wife moved in with my husband's parents for a few months until they could get back on their feet. They have two small boys and a cat, "Precious," they have had since they were first married.

They looked for an apartment to rent, but could not find one that would allow pets. My mother-in-law, "Loretta," was anxious for them to move out, so she told them to take the apartment and she'd keep the cat at her home.

Shortly after, Loretta asked my husband to secretly get rid of it. (Her husband had refused.) When my husband said he couldn't do it, she took matters into her own hands, drove Precious 10 miles away from her house and dumped her on the side of the road.

Ray and the kids went to her home every day to set out milk and look for their kitty. They also checked with the local animal shelter. About 10 days later, they found Precious at the shelter. They had to pay to re-adopt her -- money they didn't have to spare. Not knowing what I know, they then returned their cat to Loretta!

Should I tell Ray the truth so they can rescue their cat, or keep mum so as not to make my mother-in-law angry by revealing the awful thing she did? -- ON THE FENCE IN NEVADA

DEAR ON THE FENCE: What your mother-in-law did was unconscionable. I don't know how many of Precious' nine lives were used up after she was abandoned, but house pets usually die from starvation, exposure, attacks by predators or encounters with vehicles after being dumped as she was.

If you can't bring yourself to tell your brother-in-law what happened to his furry family member, clip this and mail it to him with a note explaining that it contains an important message. After all, someone must speak for the voiceless.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I moved into a new home a few months ago. On our first night in our new residence, an emotionally disturbed relative came over and caused a scene which resulted in the police being called to have the person removed from our home. Since then, we have been shunned by our neighbors.

I was hoping for a friendly welcome, but I haven't gotten so much as a "hello," let alone a plate of cookies.

How should we handle this? I realize that because of the police incident, the neighbors may think we have domestic issues -- or worse. I don't know how to improve the bad impression that was created -- especially since it was not our fault. Please help. -- WAITING FOR THE WELCOME WAGON IN INDIANAPOLIS

DEAR WAITING: If you see a neighbor, smile, say hello and introduce yourself. As to "waiting for the welcome wagon," in many areas the custom of welcoming newcomers into the neighborhood has died out. So why not take the initiative, bake a couple of batches of cookies or buy some candy for the neighbors on either side of you and immediately across the street. Write a short note to be included with each, saying, "We apologize for not doing this sooner, but my husband and I were embarrassed by what happened the night we moved in. A relative caused the disturbance. We are very sorry you were inconvenienced. Sincerely, ___"

That should help you break the ice.

DEAR ABBY: At the age of 72, having had two spouses over the years, I need to put in my two cents regarding the letter from "Still Hot and Bothered in Georgia" (July 8). I have learned that some women won't say "no!" to a husband's amorous advances, especially in the morning. But they will try to distract him by scrubbing the tub, spotting a spider on the wall, feeding the cat or saying she forgot to fold the laundry and has to do it before it wrinkles. Whether it's conscious or unconscious, they do it to cool their husbands off on a "hot" morning.

"Still Hot and Bothered" may need to give some thought to what turns his wife on or off -- especially the timing. After all, we are from Mars and they are from Venus. -- ALEX IN BLUE BELL, PA.

DEAR ALEX: I agree that timing is important. My office was showered with responses from readers who were steamed over my response to that letter. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: The guys and I enjoy reading your column out loud to see if we agree or not with your advice. We were unanimous in our disagreement with your advice to "Still Hot and Bothered."

We would have been torqued if our wife had stayed in the shower to clean it instead of coming to bed for a good romp. We also would have showered with our wife to start the festivities early and then moved to the bedroom.

Several of the guys said they'd have gotten into the shower and made the cleaning come to a halt. There's a time for cleaning, and it's not when your husband is waiting with his motor running. -- THE GUYS IN THE ELECTRIC LAB, HARRISONBURG, VA.

DEAR ABBY: I'm not against spontaneous cleaning (I do it myself), but the fact that the wife would rather clean than spend time with her husband tells me she's either unable to read his signals or she just doesn't care to be close and intimate with him. It also shows a lack of judgment, compassion and understanding on her part.

If the situation were reversed and he had decided he'd rather watch sports than be with his wife, I'm sure she would have been equally upset. I don't think the rules should be different for men and women in this regard. And yes, I am a woman. -- HEATHER IN KANKAKEE, ILL.

DEAR ABBY: It appears that these days couples never have time for each other. Instead, they have their "individual" priorities before their "married" priorities.

When you compare the life expectancy of women vs. men, that woman will probably have years to clean the shower by herself without worrying about her mate. -- KEN IN SULPHUR, LA.

DEAR ABBY: Men just don't get it! Women don't have on/off switches like men do. Atmosphere is very important for us. My husband enjoys "getting close" in the mornings, too -- but I usually wake up with my to-do list running in my head. It is very difficult for me to get in the mood when there's work to be done.

Obviously, the wife in that letter wasn't ready to play. Instead of getting upset, her husband should have gotten creative and helped to set her mood. -- BRENDA IN FORT WORTH

DEAR ABBY: When I started my freshman year of college, I was a loner. I had low self-esteem, the result of a disability I was born with.

On the first day of school I noticed "Will," who was also a freshman. I thought he was cute. He was easy to talk to, and we hit it off instantly. We became inseparable, often visiting each other's families on weekends and breaks.

At the end of the first semester -- out of the blue -- he called me a "b-tch" and told me to get out of his life. I was crushed! He left school shortly afterward without saying goodbye.

Later I was given some shocking news. His roommate told me that Will was gay. I went through the gamut of emotions from disbelief to anger to sadness. And I felt used.

Twenty-six years have passed. I answered the phone at work two days ago and was surprised to hear Will's voice on the other end. He was shocked, too. I asked if he remembered me and he said he did. He came into the store several days later, and we exchanged phone numbers and e-mail addresses. I looked at his Web pages and saw pictures of him holding and kissing men the way he used to hold and kiss me.

They say you never forget your first, and I haven't. The problem is, I still feel hurt. I want him to know that, but I don't know what to do. Am I making too much of this? -- "GRACE" IN NEW YORK

DEAR "GRACE": No, I don't think so. Your relationship with Will ended without closure, so your hurt is understandable. Give Will a call and invite him to join you for lunch. Tell him you were deeply hurt all those years ago, and then ask him to explain why he treated you the way he did and what happened after he left the school. Don't be surprised if he tells you he loved you, too, and that he tried to be straight but simply could not be who you wanted him to be. Sometimes that happens.

DEAR ABBY: My mother passed away a year and a half ago. My parents were married 50 years. Dad is now 76 and recently started "seeing someone." While my sisters and I weren't thrilled about it, we never said anything negative about her to him.

A few weeks ago he found it necessary to include this woman in our weekly visit to our mother's grave. We told him if he wants to go there with her -- fine. But do not drag her there with us. This was our private time with our mother. We didn't want a stranger there.

The end result was they broke up. Now Dad is blaming it all on us. The breakup is a secondary issue. What are your thoughts about his insisting she be a part of the cemetery visits? -- GRAVELY CONCERNED IN OHIO

DEAR GRAVELY CONCERNED: Frankly, I am surprised that the woman would want to be included in the weekly visits to your mother's grave. However, before she accepted the invitation, she should have made sure that her presence wasn't an imposition by asking your father if it had been cleared with you. As to the "secondary issue" -- I suspect there was more behind the breakup than you have been led to believe.

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