DEAR ABBY: When I started my freshman year of college, I was a loner. I had low self-esteem, the result of a disability I was born with.

On the first day of school I noticed "Will," who was also a freshman. I thought he was cute. He was easy to talk to, and we hit it off instantly. We became inseparable, often visiting each other's families on weekends and breaks.

At the end of the first semester -- out of the blue -- he called me a "b-tch" and told me to get out of his life. I was crushed! He left school shortly afterward without saying goodbye.

Later I was given some shocking news. His roommate told me that Will was gay. I went through the gamut of emotions from disbelief to anger to sadness. And I felt used.

Twenty-six years have passed. I answered the phone at work two days ago and was surprised to hear Will's voice on the other end. He was shocked, too. I asked if he remembered me and he said he did. He came into the store several days later, and we exchanged phone numbers and e-mail addresses. I looked at his Web pages and saw pictures of him holding and kissing men the way he used to hold and kiss me.

They say you never forget your first, and I haven't. The problem is, I still feel hurt. I want him to know that, but I don't know what to do. Am I making too much of this? -- "GRACE" IN NEW YORK

DEAR "GRACE": No, I don't think so. Your relationship with Will ended without closure, so your hurt is understandable. Give Will a call and invite him to join you for lunch. Tell him you were deeply hurt all those years ago, and then ask him to explain why he treated you the way he did and what happened after he left the school. Don't be surprised if he tells you he loved you, too, and that he tried to be straight but simply could not be who you wanted him to be. Sometimes that happens.

DEAR ABBY: My mother passed away a year and a half ago. My parents were married 50 years. Dad is now 76 and recently started "seeing someone." While my sisters and I weren't thrilled about it, we never said anything negative about her to him.

A few weeks ago he found it necessary to include this woman in our weekly visit to our mother's grave. We told him if he wants to go there with her -- fine. But do not drag her there with us. This was our private time with our mother. We didn't want a stranger there.

The end result was they broke up. Now Dad is blaming it all on us. The breakup is a secondary issue. What are your thoughts about his insisting she be a part of the cemetery visits? -- GRAVELY CONCERNED IN OHIO

DEAR GRAVELY CONCERNED: Frankly, I am surprised that the woman would want to be included in the weekly visits to your mother's grave. However, before she accepted the invitation, she should have made sure that her presence wasn't an imposition by asking your father if it had been cleared with you. As to the "secondary issue" -- I suspect there was more behind the breakup than you have been led to believe.

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DEAR ABBY: During the 10 years I have been with my husband, I have called my mother-in-law "Martha." I have just learned that she has been harboring resentment about it because she hadn't given me "permission" to call her by her first name. Apparently she would like me to call her "Ms. Smith." I didn't hear it from her, but from my new sister-in-law who does call her Ms. Smith and has been instructed to continue doing so.

I don't remember our first meeting or when I started calling her Martha. I had no idea she has been offended this entire time. Now I'm not sure what to do. Should I ask her about it? We're not particularly close, and it would be an awkward conversation. My husband is no help. He thinks we're both being silly. -- THE OTHER MS. SMITH

DEAR O.M.S.: Martha appears to be not only off-putting, but also intimidating. Rather than speak her mind and make her preferences known, she nurses grievances in silence and talks behind people's backs. Your cowardly husband should admit there's a problem and try to build bridges instead of dismissing your concerns as "silly." (Does he call her "Ms. Smith," too?)

Pick up the phone and call Martha. Tell her what your sister-in-law said and calmly ask if it's true. If she says yes, ask why she didn't tell you herself years ago -- because if she had, you would have respected her wishes. Then, with a smile in your voice, assure her that "Ms. Smith" is what she'll be hearing in the future. (At least that's what you'll call her to her face.) It shouldn't cause a problem because you're not particularly close, and I assume your chats and contacts with her are infrequent.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been happily married for 16 years. We have one son, age 12. While writing our wills, my husband told me that his wish is to be cremated and his ashes scattered in the ocean off the beach near where he grew up.

I'd like us to be together after we have both passed on, but his beach holds no fond memories for me. I would much prefer to be buried in our local cemetery with a headstone so our son can come to "visit" both of us. I don't want to spend eternity in a cemetery plot without my husband. Any suggestions? -- PLANNING AHEAD IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR PLANNING AHEAD: Yes, one would be that you and your spouse continue talking about this until you can reach a meeting of the minds regarding the disposition of your remains. If you can't agree, then what happens to them will be the decision of the surviving spouse.

Another thought: You are basing your preference on what your son may -- or may not -- want to do after he reaches adulthood. While many people find comfort in visiting their parents' graves, others find the idea depressive. Also, your son may wind up with a career that takes him to Texas, California, Hawaii or even farther away from the town in which he is being raised.

DEAR ABBY: What is the proper letter salutation for a married couple where the husband has recently undergone gender reassignment surgery? (They were "John and Millie Jones.") -- WONDERING IN KEY WEST

DEAR WONDERING: Because the husband is no longer John Jones and is now "Linda," for example, I would address the envelope to Ms. Linda Jones and Ms. Millie Jones -- placing their names in alphabetical order. And in the salutation I would write, "Dear Linda and Millie."

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DEAR ABBY: I live in a small city in the South, which means everyone knows everyone. A former co-worker, "Dina," moved across the street from me. We're friendly, but not too close. She and I taught at the same school.

While Dina doesn't always do things in a way I think is socially correct, she's a good soul who cares about her students. My principal likes me, which makes my work life much easier, but strongly dislikes Dina.

Abby, my principal has a "guilt by association" view of the world. I'm afraid to go out with Dina in case my boss should see me. While this may seem unsociable, I worry for my professional future. I don't want to jeopardize it for someone who may not be a longtime friend. Any advice? -- IN A CORNER IN GEORGIA

DEAR IN A CORNER: Your principal appears to be controlling, judgmental, someone who plays favorites, and generally a truly awful person. However, unless you're willing to stand up for yourself and the fact that you are entitled to a personal life, you will be looking over your shoulder until the day you retire. Live your life, and if your principal retaliates in any way, take the matter to the administrator who supervises your boss.

DEAR ABBY: "Leila" and I have been friends since high school. We've grown closer over the last few years.

The problem is her dog, "Prince." Her life is wrapped around that animal. Prince sleeps with her, eats off her plate and drinks from her glass. He has a stroller.

When Leila brought him to the funeral home, it was the last straw. Prince "groomed" himself the whole time, and she had him sit near me. She has also asked me to "baby-sit" her dog at work while she runs errands. (Prince is not a guide dog or service dog.)

Leila frequently invites me to her home to eat, but I make excuses because, frankly, it isn't clean. Prince requires everyone's full attention and often vomits when I'm there. I don't invite Leila to my home because I know she'll bring the dog. I don't like animals on my furniture.

Now don't get me wrong. I like dogs. I have owned several in the past. But I cannot stand that one.

I'm running out of excuses not to visit her. If we go out, we have to cut things short because she has to get back to "him," and I end up being left to pay the check. I am single, with one income. Leila owns her own business, and her husband earns six figures. Help! -- FED UP WITH FIDO

DEAR FED UP: Your problem isn't the dog. It's Leila. She turned you into a baby sitter for her dog during business hours? I can see it happening once during an emergency -- but if you agreed to it after that, then you need to learn how to say no.

As to cutting your visits short because she has to get back to the dog, she could make other arrangements for him while she goes out with you. My advice is to ask her to repay her share of the meal tabs she has stuck you with. If this presumptuous woman disappears after that, your problem will be solved.

DEAR ABBY: Can you settle a family argument? Who "owns" the leftovers? The person who orders the food or the person who foots the bill? -- KATE IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR KATE: If an entree is ordered in a restaurant, whatever uneaten food remains on someone's plate would belong to that person. Ditto for a dessert that went with the meal.

P.S. If it has reached the point that your family is fighting over food scraps, you're all in more trouble than an advice columnist can fix.

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