DEAR ABBY: During the 10 years I have been with my husband, I have called my mother-in-law "Martha." I have just learned that she has been harboring resentment about it because she hadn't given me "permission" to call her by her first name. Apparently she would like me to call her "Ms. Smith." I didn't hear it from her, but from my new sister-in-law who does call her Ms. Smith and has been instructed to continue doing so.

I don't remember our first meeting or when I started calling her Martha. I had no idea she has been offended this entire time. Now I'm not sure what to do. Should I ask her about it? We're not particularly close, and it would be an awkward conversation. My husband is no help. He thinks we're both being silly. -- THE OTHER MS. SMITH

DEAR O.M.S.: Martha appears to be not only off-putting, but also intimidating. Rather than speak her mind and make her preferences known, she nurses grievances in silence and talks behind people's backs. Your cowardly husband should admit there's a problem and try to build bridges instead of dismissing your concerns as "silly." (Does he call her "Ms. Smith," too?)

Pick up the phone and call Martha. Tell her what your sister-in-law said and calmly ask if it's true. If she says yes, ask why she didn't tell you herself years ago -- because if she had, you would have respected her wishes. Then, with a smile in your voice, assure her that "Ms. Smith" is what she'll be hearing in the future. (At least that's what you'll call her to her face.) It shouldn't cause a problem because you're not particularly close, and I assume your chats and contacts with her are infrequent.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been happily married for 16 years. We have one son, age 12. While writing our wills, my husband told me that his wish is to be cremated and his ashes scattered in the ocean off the beach near where he grew up.

I'd like us to be together after we have both passed on, but his beach holds no fond memories for me. I would much prefer to be buried in our local cemetery with a headstone so our son can come to "visit" both of us. I don't want to spend eternity in a cemetery plot without my husband. Any suggestions? -- PLANNING AHEAD IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR PLANNING AHEAD: Yes, one would be that you and your spouse continue talking about this until you can reach a meeting of the minds regarding the disposition of your remains. If you can't agree, then what happens to them will be the decision of the surviving spouse.

Another thought: You are basing your preference on what your son may -- or may not -- want to do after he reaches adulthood. While many people find comfort in visiting their parents' graves, others find the idea depressive. Also, your son may wind up with a career that takes him to Texas, California, Hawaii or even farther away from the town in which he is being raised.

DEAR ABBY: What is the proper letter salutation for a married couple where the husband has recently undergone gender reassignment surgery? (They were "John and Millie Jones.") -- WONDERING IN KEY WEST

DEAR WONDERING: Because the husband is no longer John Jones and is now "Linda," for example, I would address the envelope to Ms. Linda Jones and Ms. Millie Jones -- placing their names in alphabetical order. And in the salutation I would write, "Dear Linda and Millie."

DEAR ABBY: I live in a small city in the South, which means everyone knows everyone. A former co-worker, "Dina," moved across the street from me. We're friendly, but not too close. She and I taught at the same school.

While Dina doesn't always do things in a way I think is socially correct, she's a good soul who cares about her students. My principal likes me, which makes my work life much easier, but strongly dislikes Dina.

Abby, my principal has a "guilt by association" view of the world. I'm afraid to go out with Dina in case my boss should see me. While this may seem unsociable, I worry for my professional future. I don't want to jeopardize it for someone who may not be a longtime friend. Any advice? -- IN A CORNER IN GEORGIA

DEAR IN A CORNER: Your principal appears to be controlling, judgmental, someone who plays favorites, and generally a truly awful person. However, unless you're willing to stand up for yourself and the fact that you are entitled to a personal life, you will be looking over your shoulder until the day you retire. Live your life, and if your principal retaliates in any way, take the matter to the administrator who supervises your boss.

DEAR ABBY: "Leila" and I have been friends since high school. We've grown closer over the last few years.

The problem is her dog, "Prince." Her life is wrapped around that animal. Prince sleeps with her, eats off her plate and drinks from her glass. He has a stroller.

When Leila brought him to the funeral home, it was the last straw. Prince "groomed" himself the whole time, and she had him sit near me. She has also asked me to "baby-sit" her dog at work while she runs errands. (Prince is not a guide dog or service dog.)

Leila frequently invites me to her home to eat, but I make excuses because, frankly, it isn't clean. Prince requires everyone's full attention and often vomits when I'm there. I don't invite Leila to my home because I know she'll bring the dog. I don't like animals on my furniture.

Now don't get me wrong. I like dogs. I have owned several in the past. But I cannot stand that one.

I'm running out of excuses not to visit her. If we go out, we have to cut things short because she has to get back to "him," and I end up being left to pay the check. I am single, with one income. Leila owns her own business, and her husband earns six figures. Help! -- FED UP WITH FIDO

DEAR FED UP: Your problem isn't the dog. It's Leila. She turned you into a baby sitter for her dog during business hours? I can see it happening once during an emergency -- but if you agreed to it after that, then you need to learn how to say no.

As to cutting your visits short because she has to get back to the dog, she could make other arrangements for him while she goes out with you. My advice is to ask her to repay her share of the meal tabs she has stuck you with. If this presumptuous woman disappears after that, your problem will be solved.

DEAR ABBY: Can you settle a family argument? Who "owns" the leftovers? The person who orders the food or the person who foots the bill? -- KATE IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR KATE: If an entree is ordered in a restaurant, whatever uneaten food remains on someone's plate would belong to that person. Ditto for a dessert that went with the meal.

P.S. If it has reached the point that your family is fighting over food scraps, you're all in more trouble than an advice columnist can fix.

DEAR ABBY: I would like to make the public aware of something that is the result of the poor economy.

When someone who is hurting financially is invited out to a restaurant, bar, movie, etc., and the person declines your invitation, please don't take it personally. He or she may be watching every penny. Every cent matters if it's needed for food, shelter, bills, etc. A person in this situation simply cannot afford to "splurge" on these kinds of activities.

Believe me, I know what I'm talking about. I have been invited to participate in various social events, and I can't afford to go. This is not something that I want to broadcast either. Some of us may be keeping quiet about it.

Let's face it -- it's an awful situation to be in, but one we hope will not last forever. -- IN THAT BOAT IN ILLINOIS

DEAR IN THAT BOAT: I'm sorry you're experiencing tough sailing, and I hope you will be out of rough waters soon.

Folks, this person is giving you a timely heads-up. If someone suddenly starts declining social invitations, it does not necessarily indicate that he or she has become antisocial. It may mean the person is financially unable to do so.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Fred," sees absolutely nothing wrong with the fact that he did not take a day off from work to attend my 94-year-old mother's funeral. He stopped by the ceremony for the graveside service, then left immediately and returned to work.

Fred is an independent traveling salesman who never works more than half a day, so it wasn't like he needed to hurry back to an office or place of business. He didn't even have enough love or respect for me or my mother's family to spend the day with us.

Do you agree with me this was unkind? Fred thinks I'm the one who is being unreasonable. -- WOUNDED WIFE IN COLUMBIA, S.C.

DEAR WOUNDED: Of course his behavior was unkind. It was also insensitive. Regardless of your mother's age, losing a parent is painful and his place was by your side offering emotional support.

It appears you married someone who is usually centered on his own needs, and I'm willing to bet this incident isn't the only example. Please accept my sympathy on two counts: First for the loss of your mother, and second, for marrying someone who would be willfully absent when you needed him the most. Whatta guy.

DEAR ABBY: Cooking is my hobby. I enjoy hosting luncheons for my friends. I choose healthy, fresh ingredients, plan creative menus and presentation is important to me. However, it seems that someone at the table always pipes up with, "I don't eat THAT!"

I think it is rude and guests should just place an unwanted item on the side of their plate. Am I right? I don't know how to respond to people who do that. -- ANNOYED HOSTESS IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR ANNOYED: Here's how. Smile and say, "If you don't like that, don't eat it!" Then pass the relish tray and say, "Would you like some crudites? Nuts?"

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)