DEAR ABBY: We received a nasty note from our daughter-in-law, "Ariella." She lives several states away. Her father passed away about six weeks ago. They lived out of state, and we were never close with them.

Ariella is angry because we didn't send flowers to the viewing and didn't send her mother a sympathy card until two weeks after the funeral.

We're in our late 70s. Ariella's father was 89. Should we have sent flowers? And is two weeks after a death too late to send a sympathy card? Our other three children each received identical notes from Ariella. -- BEFUDDLED IN ALABAMA

DEAR BEFUDDLED: I'll say this about your daughter-in-law -- she's outspoken about her emotions. Ariella's parents may have lived out of state, but they are (were) members of your extended family, and frankly, the nonchalance with which you treated the death of Ariella's father surprises me.

No law says you were obligated to send flowers for the funeral -- but to have done so would have been a compassionate gesture and let her and her mother know you cared. To then wait two weeks before extending any condolences was cold in light of the fact that you could have picked up the phone and done it immediately -- and the same goes for your children.

DEAR ABBY: After 35 years living out of state, my parents have moved to my hometown, and I am thrilled to have them so near.

My problem: Now that I'm seeing my mother on a daily basis, I know what I'm going to look like in 20 years. She and I recognize our physical similarities and laugh about them: our noses, our coloring and our rear ends, etc. These genes will override any "magic cream" on the market.

Mother has many qualities that I admire and aspire to have, but I guess I wasn't ready for a preview peek into the aging mirror. I have never considered myself vain, but I would like to be slimmer and keep a more youthful appearance. Is it hopeless? The problem isn't my mother -- it's me. -- AFRAID OF DESTINY

DEAR AFRAID: It's not hopeless. Biology doesn't have to dictate one's destiny. Your diet and lifestyle can have a tremendous effect on your appearance in 20 years. Also, men and women seem to have aged more slowly in recent decades than they did in the 1930s, '40s and '50s.

If you want reassurance, drag out some old family albums and take a look at how your aunts, uncles and grandparents looked at your age. Please don't obsess about something that may not happen because nothing ages a woman like stress.

DEAR ABBY: My friend's daughter asked her child's godparent to buy a $60 to $100 dress for the baptismal service. I told my friend I had never heard of the parents not buying the outfit themselves.

The daughter cannot afford to buy the dress herself. Was it appropriate to ask this of a godparent? -- UNCERTAIN IN OMAHA

DEAR UNCERTAIN: She may have thought so. According to Emily Post: "The baby's gown -- often one that was worn by the baby's mother, father or one of his grandparents -- is provided by the parents, not the godparents -- A FORMER TRADITION THAT HAS GONE BY THE BOARD" (italics are mine).

DEAR ABBY: I have an idea that may prove useful to parents. I have worked in law enforcement for more than 18 years, including as a state police dispatcher. There are often stories in the media of children lost or abducted in the blink of an eye.

Because of the proliferation of cell phones with cameras, there is now a way to help law enforcement officials get the word out via Amber Alerts and news bulletins.

Parents should take advantage of these photo opportunities. Before leaving home for the day on a shopping trip or family outing, take a picture of your children in the outfits they are wearing that day. Once you are all back home, safe and sound, you can delete that picture and the next day take a new one. That way, you'll always have a current photo of how your child looks "today," not six months or more ago at a special event. You also won't have to rely on your memory of exactly what your child was wearing if he or she should go missing.

Time is of the essence, so take advantage of the technology that's available in today's world. -- JANET IN AURORA, ILL.

DEAR JANET: That's a great idea. I am sure many thousands of parents will be grateful for your suggestion. Thank you!

DEAR ABBY: I am an early education schoolteacher in my third year of teaching. I love my job and value the importance of education.

Another teacher in my grade, "Natalie," is a nice woman, and we get along well. However, it is almost impossible to have an adult conversation with her. Every time we chat, I have to explain the meaning of a word I used.

Abby, I am somewhat bookish, but I don't think I use words that are hard to understand. Natalie is unfamiliar with the definition of words someone her age should know. Other teachers have voiced the same opinion to me.

Some people have a low opinion of teachers, and I feel that Natalie's narrow vocabulary adds to this. Am I whining needlessly? -- YOUNG EDUCATOR IN UTAH

DEAR YOUNG EDUCATOR: You're not whining needlessly; you are whining to the wrong person. If you and the other teachers are concerned about Natalie's qualifications to teach, you should voice those concerns as a group to the head of your department or the principal of the school.

DEAR ABBY: Due to a low platelet count and a case of pneumonia, my physician put me on steroid medication. The drug has side effects, and one of them has been a dramatic weight gain -- an instant, long-lasting bloat.

When I eat anything that contains salt or sugar, my face becomes swollen. People approach me every day telling me to "hit the gym," etc., so I go around constantly making excuses about my appearance.

Abby, I work seven days a week. I can't hide from the world. Either I take the medicine or I won't be here. I hate facing the world each day, hearing people's remarks and having to always excuse myself. Abby, what would you do? -- MISERABLE IN MAYFIELD HEIGHTS, OHIO

DEAR MISERABLE: I would tell anyone who was rude enough to comment on my appearance that the weight gain is a side effect of a medication my doctor had put me on. I would not make excuses, I would not be apologetic, I would simply tell the unvarnished truth.

P.S. I hope you are better soon.

DEAR ABBY: I have an infant son by a man who has told me repeatedly that he does not love our child. He says he loves me and wants to be with me, and he claims our child will split us up and spoil our relationship. He said he never wanted our baby in the first place.

He refuses to do anything for our son. He just wants to do for me -- and all he wants is sex. I have just learned that he is married with two other children.

Please tell me what to do because I don't like the way he treats our son. -- TORMENTED IN MARYLAND

DEAR TORMENTED: As much as you may care about this man, you must recognize that as a mother your first responsibility has to be to your son. If your child's father was honest and had character, you would have known before now that he was already married.

I am concerned that because he views the baby as a rival, he might possibly be a danger to your son. At the very least he should be financially supporting that child, because it is his legal responsibility to do so.

If you are living with him, for your child's sake, you should move. And until you do, never, ever leave him alone with the baby.

DEAR ABBY: I am a divorced mother of three grown children who is in the process of making out my will. I'm not ill, but I would like to ensure that my assets -- which are modest -- will be divided equally among them. My two daughters are upset that I want to include their brother, "Ricky."

As a teen, Ricky stole from his sisters. For most of his adult life he has been in trouble with the law and has served time in prison. My son is also an alcoholic and has been in treatment several times. He has never asked me for money, and I haven't given him any. I know he wants to lead a straight life after he serves his current term.

I can't see any good reason for disinheriting my son. He already has VA and SSI disability income, so it isn't like I'll be giving him something he doesn't have. Leaving him out of the will would be hurtful to him. Can you tell me how to smooth the waters? -- KENTUCKY MOM

DEAR MOM: Yes. Remind your daughters that you love them and their troubled brother equally, and that the assets you have accrued (modest though they may be) are yours to do with as you wish. Be pleasant about it, and under no circumstances allow them to push you into doing anything you don't want to do.

DEAR ABBY: I am a college student and recently I was faced with a huge decision.

I have been attending junior college for two years and am about to start my third. I applied to a four-year university, and they have accepted all my credits. I play soccer for the junior college, and I had already promised my team I would be here to play in the fall.

My problem is I am over the maximum number of credits I can transfer from one college to another. I have chosen to remain at junior college because I gave my word I would stay with the team. I don't want to regret this decision. Was it right to put the team before my academics? -- LOST IN COLLEGE

DEAR LOST IN COLLEGE: Not in my opinion. Academics trump athletics. And you should not have made any promises to your team while applying to a different school.