DEAR ABBY: I have an infant son by a man who has told me repeatedly that he does not love our child. He says he loves me and wants to be with me, and he claims our child will split us up and spoil our relationship. He said he never wanted our baby in the first place.

He refuses to do anything for our son. He just wants to do for me -- and all he wants is sex. I have just learned that he is married with two other children.

Please tell me what to do because I don't like the way he treats our son. -- TORMENTED IN MARYLAND

DEAR TORMENTED: As much as you may care about this man, you must recognize that as a mother your first responsibility has to be to your son. If your child's father was honest and had character, you would have known before now that he was already married.

I am concerned that because he views the baby as a rival, he might possibly be a danger to your son. At the very least he should be financially supporting that child, because it is his legal responsibility to do so.

If you are living with him, for your child's sake, you should move. And until you do, never, ever leave him alone with the baby.

DEAR ABBY: I am a divorced mother of three grown children who is in the process of making out my will. I'm not ill, but I would like to ensure that my assets -- which are modest -- will be divided equally among them. My two daughters are upset that I want to include their brother, "Ricky."

As a teen, Ricky stole from his sisters. For most of his adult life he has been in trouble with the law and has served time in prison. My son is also an alcoholic and has been in treatment several times. He has never asked me for money, and I haven't given him any. I know he wants to lead a straight life after he serves his current term.

I can't see any good reason for disinheriting my son. He already has VA and SSI disability income, so it isn't like I'll be giving him something he doesn't have. Leaving him out of the will would be hurtful to him. Can you tell me how to smooth the waters? -- KENTUCKY MOM

DEAR MOM: Yes. Remind your daughters that you love them and their troubled brother equally, and that the assets you have accrued (modest though they may be) are yours to do with as you wish. Be pleasant about it, and under no circumstances allow them to push you into doing anything you don't want to do.

DEAR ABBY: I am a college student and recently I was faced with a huge decision.

I have been attending junior college for two years and am about to start my third. I applied to a four-year university, and they have accepted all my credits. I play soccer for the junior college, and I had already promised my team I would be here to play in the fall.

My problem is I am over the maximum number of credits I can transfer from one college to another. I have chosen to remain at junior college because I gave my word I would stay with the team. I don't want to regret this decision. Was it right to put the team before my academics? -- LOST IN COLLEGE

DEAR LOST IN COLLEGE: Not in my opinion. Academics trump athletics. And you should not have made any promises to your team while applying to a different school.

DEAR ABBY: I'm about to move out of a condo I have shared for two years with a roommate I'll call "Carly." Her parents own it, and I'm leaving because Carly's sister, "Heather," is moving in soon to attend school. Carly is supposed to look out for Heather and teach her how to live on her own because Heather has some mental challenges.

In the two years I have lived with Carly, she has been mostly absent. She often leaves for days at a time without telling me. I hope this will change when her sister moves in.

Carly is also very promiscuous. She's always with one guy or another, and occasionally intimate with more than one at a time. Through closed doors and over a blaring TV I have overheard her and her boyfriends going at it but accepted it as part of normal college life. I fear Heather will be mortified to hear what I have heard.

I don't think Carly knows she has been overheard. Should I warn her when I move out? Or should I not mention it and hope she's a better role model for Heather when she arrives? -- ALMOST EX-ROOMIE IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR ALMOST EX: By all means warn Carly. Had you done so the first time the noise bothered you, living there would have been less embarrassing for you. But at the same time you should also have a chat with Carly's parents. The responsibility they are placing on her is a serious one, and it doesn't appear Carly is up to shouldering it.

A better solution for Heather would be for her to be in a program where certified teachers can help her learn independent living skills and in which she would receive appropriate, consistent supervision. Her safety -- in more ways than one -- could depend on it.

DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law has a terrible habit. She tells us what she wants for gifts in the form of e-mails with Web links to things she wants.

One year, she bought a pair of $700 earrings and told her fiance that he bought them for her birthday. He actually had to reimburse her.

Last Mother's Day she sent an e-mail with a link to a site selling personalized crystal items to be engraved with a thoughtful message to "Mom." This week she sent an e-mail -- two months in advance -- saying what she wants for her birthday.

I wasn't raised like this. I have a problem with someone telling me what she wants when I haven't asked. I also don't like being told how much to spend. I think her behavior is selfish and immature, but how do I get it to stop?

My husband is used to it. He doesn't know how to say no to her. His sisters have picked up this habit and tell us what their kids want for birthdays and Christmas. One sister even handed me an ad she had clipped for something she wants on her next birthday. What can I do? -- SOLICITED IN ARIZONA

DEAR SOLICITED: How about ignoring the solicitations and giving something you can afford? Or just say no. And if your mother-in-law or sisters-in-law ask why you didn't "produce on command," say -- with a smile -- that asking for gifts is rude, that it makes you uncomfortable, and what was requested was beyond your means.

DEAR ABBY: I am a recent high school graduate who is starting college soon. I am blessed to be part of a great family. The problem is, my mother is TOO good. She has always been kind and loving, but she insists on doing everything for me.

I consider myself to be independent, but she is constantly finding some way to "help." When I tell her I need some space to grow, she cries. I love my mother dearly, but how can I convey to her that I'm a big boy now without hurting her feelings? -- GROWN UP ON THE EAST COAST

DEAR GROWN UP: Your mother appears to be suffering from a common condition known as "Impending Empty Nest Syndrome." It's a form of anxiety and depression that often hits parents when a child is about to leave home and no longer needs the constant parenting that has been the norm for the prior 18 years.

The behavior you're reacting to is called hovering. Your mother may be doing it because she's savoring every last bit of mothering she can get in before you fly off to ever-increasing independence. Please be patient with her because in another month you'll be out of there and she will be starting to adapt.

DEAR ABBY: Is it considered adultery if a husband encourages his wife to sleep with other men? My husband enjoys the idea of me sleeping with other men and then telling him about it. I don't understand his fascination, but that's what he likes. I am more concerned about the morality issue. What do you think? -- ADULTERESS? IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR ADULTERESS?: Because you're concerned with "the morality issue," I assume you come from a traditional upbringing in which you were taught that sex is a sacred bond between husband and wife. Far more important than what I think is what YOU think about it. So call a moratorium for now, start thinking -- and then follow your conscience.

DEAR ABBY: Is it considered adultery if a husband encourages his wife to sleep with other men? My husband enjoys the idea of me sleeping with other men and then telling him about it. I don't understand his fascination, but that's what he likes. I am more concerned about the morality issue. What do you think? -- ADULTERESS? IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR ADULTERESS?: Because you're concerned with "the morality issue," I assume you come from a traditional upbringing in which you were taught that sex is a sacred bond between husband and wife. Far more important than what I think is what YOU think about it. So call a moratorium for now, start thinking -- and then follow your conscience.