life

Lonely Woman Sees a Bleak Future in Her Small World

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 17th, 2009 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I am a 46-year-old woman, and I feel as though my life is over. I lost my job more than a year ago and haven't been able to find another one. I have no friends, and it has been 13 years since I dated.

I live day to day, only for my mom and my dog -- both of whom I love tremendously. I'm glad I can spend so much time with them each day, but I know I'm missing out on something more in my life.

I am well-educated, well-read and have traveled quite a bit, when my financial situation was better.

Abby, I feel like I'm 96, not 46! I am depressed and disheartened and don't know what to do. I can't afford counseling. I have thought about volunteering, but I don't want to work with kids and most volunteer jobs require that.

Please, can you suggest anything to help me out of this slump? I figure I have a good 20 to 30 years of living before me, and I just can't go on like this.

I have already accepted that I'll never find a mate, and I'm struggling with the thought that someday, Mom will no longer be here. I see no future for myself. Please tell me what to do. -- DOWN IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR DOWN: It is premature to conclude that you will "never" find a job, a friend or a mate. Things seem hopeless right now because you are depressed.

In your letter you hit on a wonderful, positive idea -- your impulse to volunteer. Not all volunteer opportunities involve children. How about volunteering at a non-profit organization, an assisted-living facility for seniors, a VA center, an animal shelter, a program for people who are homeless, a food delivery program for shut-ins. Your local police department might also welcome some administrative help from a mature, organized adult.

I'm sure your time and talents would be deeply appreciated whatever you decide to do. Not only would volunteering be a rewarding way to fill your time, but it will help you to network.

P.S. Counseling is available on a sliding financial scale in most counties if you feel you need professional help.

life

Dear Abby for August 17, 2009

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 17th, 2009 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Cooper," and I started dating last fall. His parents and I get along well, but there is one person in his life who doesn't want us to be together. That would be "Claire," a close family friend who is also known as Cooper's "second mom." Cooper dated Claire's daughter for a few months a couple of years ago.

Cooper is polite, smart and good looking. It's no wonder that Claire would rather he date her daughter. There have been many times that Claire has been rude to me, including saying to my face that she wishes Cooper would break up with me and start dating her daughter again.

I have spoken to Cooper about it. Apparently, Claire has tried to pressure him about it behind my back many times. Abby, do you think I should say something to this woman, or just let it be? -- BOTHERED IN GEORGIA

DEAR BOTHERED: I see nothing positive to be gained by taking the bait and getting into an unpleasant conversation with "Mama Claire." When she says something again (and she will), smile and say, "I know. You've already made that clear."

Claire's daughter is no threat to you, and if dating her was at all appealing to your boyfriend, he would still be doing it.

life

Dear Abby for August 17, 2009

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 17th, 2009 | Letter 3 of 3

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

life

Mom Balks at Daughter's Plan to Host a Direct Sale Party

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 16th, 2009 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Amelia," recently joined the ranks of a "direct sales force." She has asked me to make arrangements so she can present her products to my circle of friends. I love Amelia beyond words and would do anything to support her, but I told her that in this instance I felt I would be betraying my friends by "using" their friendship.

In my opinion, hosting a "party" for the purpose of selling makes the invitees feel obligated to buy something whether they need it or not. I told Amelia I don't want to put my friends in that position. My daughter took immediate offense and told me I was way off-base because attendees are "free to purchase products -- or not -- as they choose." In other words, I'm the one with the hang-up and it isn't necessarily shared by others.

It upsets me terribly that my daughter is now angry and thinks I have abandoned her because I'm uncomfortable supporting this effort. She has another successful career, so this venture is not a matter of financial life or death to her. What should I do? -- IN A TOUGH SPOT IN ILLINOIS

DEAR IN A SPOT: Direct sales companies are rapidly expanding their forces these days, in light of the recession. And many people regard it as an attractive opportunity to replace lost income or hedge against job loss. According to USA Today, there are now roughly 15 million direct sellers in the United States.

With all that "partying" going on -- the objective of which is to sell, sell, sell -- many people have wised up to the fact they are promotional rather than social in nature and refuse the invitations. I see nothing wrong with inviting your friends, as long as they understand, in advance, the purpose of the party as well as the fact that you won't be personally offended if they do not choose to participate.

life

Dear Abby for August 16, 2009

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 16th, 2009 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "George," wears his false teeth only for church. He puts them in his pocket as soon as the service is over and won't wear them anywhere else. If I say anything, he gets furious and refuses to discuss it, even though I tell him it embarrasses me and it should embarrass him, too.

George is upset with the dentist who made the dentures. He went to another dental lab, wore them for one month, and then gave up. He also fusses with his hearing aids, glasses, etc. He's driving me crazy. What should I do? -- JANET IN OHIO

DEAR JANET: If your husband's dentures were comfortable, he'd wear them. The dentist who made them should be contacted so adjustments can be made until they fit properly. If George won't make the call, do it for him and go along for moral support.

He may also need his vision checked by an ophthalmologist. His glasses may need refitting or replacing -- or he may have a condition that should be treated ASAP, so don't put it off. Also, hearing aids take getting used to and the process can be frustrating -- especially if your teeth are hurting and you're having difficulty seeing.

Poor George, if you think you're being driven crazy, imagine what he's going through and try to be patient.

life

Dear Abby for August 16, 2009

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 16th, 2009 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have discovered that my daughter's day care director is seeing a married man. I removed my daughter from that center because the director is not the kind of person I want taking care of my child.

Should I let other parents know what is going on? -- MOMMY WITH PRINCIPLES

DEAR MOMMY: I don't think so. In fact, I think you should mind your own business. People with principles not only don't cheat, they also have too much character to spread gossip.

life

Emptiness of Man's Apartment Gives Woman Unsettled Feeling

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 15th, 2009 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I am a 20-year-old student who has lived in an apartment with my current roommate, "Karen," for 18 months. We get along well.

For the past nine months, Karen has been dating a man who has begun spending almost every night in our apartment. So far, I have tolerated the situation because they're not disruptive.

I recently visited Karen's boyfriend's apartment for the first time. Abby, no wonder he's here every night. I thought I was touring a vacant apartment. His kitchen has absolutely nothing in it, and the living room is mostly unfurnished and totally unlit. In addition, he has no phone or Internet service.

Since then, I haven't been able to get it off my mind. I don't want to ruin what is otherwise a good situation, but how do I put my mind at ease? I can't put my finger on what's bothering me, but it doesn't "feel" right. -- STEAMED IN WASHINGTON, D.C.

DEAR STEAMED: You have described a young bachelor who doesn't cook, who probably has eaten most of his meals "out," and who has not developed a strong nesting instinct, either. (He could also not have much money.) But keep your eyes and ears open, and if anything else about your roommate's boyfriend bothers you, mention it to her.

life

Dear Abby for August 15, 2009

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 15th, 2009 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: In the past you have printed letters from readers describing acts of kindness for others. Not long ago, my husband (who is in the military) and I went out to dinner after our first obstetric appointment. We had a lovely time; our server was also a pregnant Army wife and we chatted about due dates, deployments, our husbands' jobs, etc.

At the end of the meal no check was delivered to our table. Our server explained that the couple behind us had paid for it as a way to say thank you for my husband's service and congratulations on the baby. We were very touched. I wish they hadn't left before we did so we could have thanked them.

My husband and I stopped at the market before going home. A man approached us and asked if we had any spare change because his kids were hungry and payday was a few days off. Because someone had done something nice for us that night, I decided to pay it forward and help him out -- so I gave him all the money I had in my purse.

Someone touched our lives in a positive way, and I'm so glad we could help someone in return. I hope this letter inspires someone else to do the same. -- ARMY WIFE AT FORT BLISS, TEXAS

DEAR ARMY WIFE: So do I. And to that I'd like to add that helping others does not necessarily have to involve giving money. It can be as simple as approaching members of the military and thanking them for their service or volunteering time to work in a shelter or a food program to help the destitute.

life

Dear Abby for August 15, 2009

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 15th, 2009 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I was in a major department store, carrying a designer handbag, when a woman I didn't know approached me and asked if my bag was real or a knockoff. I was at a loss for words. The rudeness of that woman floored me.

I was always taught to be polite and not ask nosy questions. How would you have handled it? -- OFFENDED IN ARKANSAS

DEAR OFFENDED: If the handbag was genuine, I would have told the woman it was. And if it wasn't, I would have told her where to find one like it.

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