DEAR ABBY: I am a 20-year-old student who has lived in an apartment with my current roommate, "Karen," for 18 months. We get along well.

For the past nine months, Karen has been dating a man who has begun spending almost every night in our apartment. So far, I have tolerated the situation because they're not disruptive.

I recently visited Karen's boyfriend's apartment for the first time. Abby, no wonder he's here every night. I thought I was touring a vacant apartment. His kitchen has absolutely nothing in it, and the living room is mostly unfurnished and totally unlit. In addition, he has no phone or Internet service.

Since then, I haven't been able to get it off my mind. I don't want to ruin what is otherwise a good situation, but how do I put my mind at ease? I can't put my finger on what's bothering me, but it doesn't "feel" right. -- STEAMED IN WASHINGTON, D.C.

DEAR STEAMED: You have described a young bachelor who doesn't cook, who probably has eaten most of his meals "out," and who has not developed a strong nesting instinct, either. (He could also not have much money.) But keep your eyes and ears open, and if anything else about your roommate's boyfriend bothers you, mention it to her.

DEAR ABBY: In the past you have printed letters from readers describing acts of kindness for others. Not long ago, my husband (who is in the military) and I went out to dinner after our first obstetric appointment. We had a lovely time; our server was also a pregnant Army wife and we chatted about due dates, deployments, our husbands' jobs, etc.

At the end of the meal no check was delivered to our table. Our server explained that the couple behind us had paid for it as a way to say thank you for my husband's service and congratulations on the baby. We were very touched. I wish they hadn't left before we did so we could have thanked them.

My husband and I stopped at the market before going home. A man approached us and asked if we had any spare change because his kids were hungry and payday was a few days off. Because someone had done something nice for us that night, I decided to pay it forward and help him out -- so I gave him all the money I had in my purse.

Someone touched our lives in a positive way, and I'm so glad we could help someone in return. I hope this letter inspires someone else to do the same. -- ARMY WIFE AT FORT BLISS, TEXAS

DEAR ARMY WIFE: So do I. And to that I'd like to add that helping others does not necessarily have to involve giving money. It can be as simple as approaching members of the military and thanking them for their service or volunteering time to work in a shelter or a food program to help the destitute.

DEAR ABBY: I was in a major department store, carrying a designer handbag, when a woman I didn't know approached me and asked if my bag was real or a knockoff. I was at a loss for words. The rudeness of that woman floored me.

I was always taught to be polite and not ask nosy questions. How would you have handled it? -- OFFENDED IN ARKANSAS

DEAR OFFENDED: If the handbag was genuine, I would have told the woman it was. And if it wasn't, I would have told her where to find one like it.

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DEAR ABBY: Forty years ago, after accusing our father of taking indecent liberties with her, my sister "Vera" was diagnosed with a major mental illness. She was 17. After many difficult years of hospitalizations, medication and electro-shock therapy, Vera finally accepted her diagnosis and now lives in a board-and-care home nearby. She has never been well enough to work or carry on a relationship, and due to her medication, she suffers from a serious neuromuscular disorder.

Our father died suddenly -- and while going through his belongings, Mom and I discovered some graphic Polaroid photos that prove Vera's allegations were true. Mom destroyed them immediately. I believe Vera should know that we now understand she wasn't delusional, that she was misdiagnosed and treated unnecessarily.

Mom is adamantly opposed. She says Vera is receiving the "best help available" and it would only "upset her" if she knew what we found. I am heartsick. Should I tell Vera at the risk of it killing our mom, or should I let it go? Vera's treatments have taken most of her memory. -- DISTRAUGHT IN OHIO

DEAR DISTRAUGHT: Your mother's reaction makes me wonder whether she might have had an inkling all along that your sister was telling the truth. After all these years, I fail to see how telling Vera that someone believes her will "kill" your mother.

I once knew a woman who had spent years in group therapy trying to get at the root of her problems. Like your sister, she had had shock therapy, which had blasted away some of her memory. She said many times that she would have been glad to have someone fill in some of the blanks for her -- and so, I suspect, would Vera. Your sister deserves answers and validation.

However, before you approach her, it is very important that you first discuss this with a psychotherapist who can guide you through the process.

DEAR ABBY: I am 40, married and blessed with a wonderful family. I have spent my entire career working for the same company. Several years ago, I was promoted to a position I thought I wanted. However, I have come to hate my job. The best part is the paycheck.

I earn a decent salary and I don't want to seem unappreciative, especially in these economic times, but I feel there is more to life than what someone earns.

Recently, I have thought about joining the military. My husband is very supportive and has told me countless times that being happy is the most important part of life. I want to do something with my life that matters rather than simply going to work each day dreading the time I am there.

My dilemma is with my parents. I know they will feel it is ridiculous to quit a perfectly good job and go into the military. What advice do you have for me? -- WOMAN AT THE CROSSROADS OF LIFE

DEAR AT THE CROSSROADS: Your dilemma may not be with your parents. The various branches of the armed forces have age limits beyond which they will not accept enlistees. So my advice is to begin calling the recruitment centers, telling them your background and asking if you qualify to apply. If you are accepted, you can then tell your parents the "good news."

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DEAR ABBY: "Lisa in Phoenix" (June 12) questioned whether taking her 7-year-old son into the ladies' room would be better than having her wait outside the men's room. You advised her to stand outside the men's room and announce loudly that she will be "waiting right there." Abby, children have been violated in a matter of seconds in the play areas of fast food restaurants with the parents RIGHT THERE!

As a mother, I feel the advice you gave Lisa will give her a false sense of security and put her child in danger. I would have told Lisa that before they go anywhere, she should make sure her son goes to the bathroom at home. If he has to go while they are out, she should go to the men's room, knock on the door and announce that she is with a child. If there is no answer, GO IN AND BE SURE NO ONE IS INSIDE. If she's uncomfortable doing it, ask an employee to check. Then wait outside the bathroom. If a man needs to go in, she can explain the situation.

Never assume that simply standing guard outside the door will deter a molester. They couldn't care less. -- VIGILANT MOM IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR VIGILANT: Your suggestions are helpful, and thank you for offering them. Other readers volunteered alternative solutions to Lisa's dilemma. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I have a 7-year-old son and I do not allow him to go unsupervised into a men's room. Anyone could be behind that door and anything could happen in less than a minute's time. We must protect our children even if it means that sometimes they have to suffer embarrassment.

A friend with two sons offered an interesting alternative. She would allow her sons to use the men's room if they talked to her while she stood outside the door. If they stopped talking, they knew it meant she was coming in. -- DONNA IN TYNER, N.C.

DEAR ABBY: Your advice strikes a balance between commonsense safety and "helicopter parenting." Having been a teacher for 42 years, I see an alarming increase in the number of parents who want to be in lockstep with their children 24/7. It can be stunting, and it does not prepare them for life in the real world. Of course, parents should take some precautions for the sake of safety, but don't be so paralyzed with fear that you keep your children from becoming self-directed individuals. -- MANHATTAN, KAN., TEACHER

DEAR ABBY: When my son was 7 or 8, he, too, was embarrassed about going into the restroom with me. I gave him a whistle with instructions to blow it if anyone bothered him while I waited outside the men's room. The whistle also came with additional instructions: "Never blow it as a joke just to see if I'll come running, because if you do, you are in DEEP trouble!" -- LORI IN TEANECK, N.J.

DEAR ABBY: Lisa should invest in a pair of two-way radios. This way, her son goes into the restroom with an additional layer of protection. She should also inform him to always use the stall so he can lock the door. -- MARK IN GATOR COUNTRY

DEAR ABBY: Your advice to Lisa was good, but she should also discuss personal safety with her son. He needs to know exactly what to do if anyone says, or does, anything inappropriate. As parents, we can't be everywhere our children are at all times, and that's why we need to equip them with life skills to handle/avoid dangerous situations. -- A BOY'S MOM IN ROCHESTER, N.Y.