DEAR ABBY: Forty years ago, after accusing our father of taking indecent liberties with her, my sister "Vera" was diagnosed with a major mental illness. She was 17. After many difficult years of hospitalizations, medication and electro-shock therapy, Vera finally accepted her diagnosis and now lives in a board-and-care home nearby. She has never been well enough to work or carry on a relationship, and due to her medication, she suffers from a serious neuromuscular disorder.

Our father died suddenly -- and while going through his belongings, Mom and I discovered some graphic Polaroid photos that prove Vera's allegations were true. Mom destroyed them immediately. I believe Vera should know that we now understand she wasn't delusional, that she was misdiagnosed and treated unnecessarily.

Mom is adamantly opposed. She says Vera is receiving the "best help available" and it would only "upset her" if she knew what we found. I am heartsick. Should I tell Vera at the risk of it killing our mom, or should I let it go? Vera's treatments have taken most of her memory. -- DISTRAUGHT IN OHIO

DEAR DISTRAUGHT: Your mother's reaction makes me wonder whether she might have had an inkling all along that your sister was telling the truth. After all these years, I fail to see how telling Vera that someone believes her will "kill" your mother.

I once knew a woman who had spent years in group therapy trying to get at the root of her problems. Like your sister, she had had shock therapy, which had blasted away some of her memory. She said many times that she would have been glad to have someone fill in some of the blanks for her -- and so, I suspect, would Vera. Your sister deserves answers and validation.

However, before you approach her, it is very important that you first discuss this with a psychotherapist who can guide you through the process.

DEAR ABBY: I am 40, married and blessed with a wonderful family. I have spent my entire career working for the same company. Several years ago, I was promoted to a position I thought I wanted. However, I have come to hate my job. The best part is the paycheck.

I earn a decent salary and I don't want to seem unappreciative, especially in these economic times, but I feel there is more to life than what someone earns.

Recently, I have thought about joining the military. My husband is very supportive and has told me countless times that being happy is the most important part of life. I want to do something with my life that matters rather than simply going to work each day dreading the time I am there.

My dilemma is with my parents. I know they will feel it is ridiculous to quit a perfectly good job and go into the military. What advice do you have for me? -- WOMAN AT THE CROSSROADS OF LIFE

DEAR AT THE CROSSROADS: Your dilemma may not be with your parents. The various branches of the armed forces have age limits beyond which they will not accept enlistees. So my advice is to begin calling the recruitment centers, telling them your background and asking if you qualify to apply. If you are accepted, you can then tell your parents the "good news."

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DEAR ABBY: "Lisa in Phoenix" (June 12) questioned whether taking her 7-year-old son into the ladies' room would be better than having her wait outside the men's room. You advised her to stand outside the men's room and announce loudly that she will be "waiting right there." Abby, children have been violated in a matter of seconds in the play areas of fast food restaurants with the parents RIGHT THERE!

As a mother, I feel the advice you gave Lisa will give her a false sense of security and put her child in danger. I would have told Lisa that before they go anywhere, she should make sure her son goes to the bathroom at home. If he has to go while they are out, she should go to the men's room, knock on the door and announce that she is with a child. If there is no answer, GO IN AND BE SURE NO ONE IS INSIDE. If she's uncomfortable doing it, ask an employee to check. Then wait outside the bathroom. If a man needs to go in, she can explain the situation.

Never assume that simply standing guard outside the door will deter a molester. They couldn't care less. -- VIGILANT MOM IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR VIGILANT: Your suggestions are helpful, and thank you for offering them. Other readers volunteered alternative solutions to Lisa's dilemma. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I have a 7-year-old son and I do not allow him to go unsupervised into a men's room. Anyone could be behind that door and anything could happen in less than a minute's time. We must protect our children even if it means that sometimes they have to suffer embarrassment.

A friend with two sons offered an interesting alternative. She would allow her sons to use the men's room if they talked to her while she stood outside the door. If they stopped talking, they knew it meant she was coming in. -- DONNA IN TYNER, N.C.

DEAR ABBY: Your advice strikes a balance between commonsense safety and "helicopter parenting." Having been a teacher for 42 years, I see an alarming increase in the number of parents who want to be in lockstep with their children 24/7. It can be stunting, and it does not prepare them for life in the real world. Of course, parents should take some precautions for the sake of safety, but don't be so paralyzed with fear that you keep your children from becoming self-directed individuals. -- MANHATTAN, KAN., TEACHER

DEAR ABBY: When my son was 7 or 8, he, too, was embarrassed about going into the restroom with me. I gave him a whistle with instructions to blow it if anyone bothered him while I waited outside the men's room. The whistle also came with additional instructions: "Never blow it as a joke just to see if I'll come running, because if you do, you are in DEEP trouble!" -- LORI IN TEANECK, N.J.

DEAR ABBY: Lisa should invest in a pair of two-way radios. This way, her son goes into the restroom with an additional layer of protection. She should also inform him to always use the stall so he can lock the door. -- MARK IN GATOR COUNTRY

DEAR ABBY: Your advice to Lisa was good, but she should also discuss personal safety with her son. He needs to know exactly what to do if anyone says, or does, anything inappropriate. As parents, we can't be everywhere our children are at all times, and that's why we need to equip them with life skills to handle/avoid dangerous situations. -- A BOY'S MOM IN ROCHESTER, N.Y.

DEAR ABBY: I was 11 when my father left. I'm 16 now and it is still very difficult for my mom and me. Dad was involved in my life until he met his 28-year-old girlfriend. He's 54.

I have told him I'm not comfortable around her and I don't want to be in her company. It's embarrassing when they hold hands and hug in front of me and my friends. I spend one night a week at Dad's and I want him all to myself. Even when I'm there he locks himself in his room and spends all night talking on the phone with her. I have asked him to pay attention to me, but he doesn't get it.

Last year, he told me he "had a dream" that I was going to get a little sister or brother. He asked how I felt about that, and I was honest. I told him thinking about him having sex with a woman so young makes me sick. Dad doesn't see that she's using him for money and a green card. I want him to be discreet and keep his private life private.

I live with my mom six nights a week, and I think that gives Dad plenty of time to spend with his girlfriend. What can I do to get him to focus on me on our one night a week together? -- MISSES MY DAD IN RHODE ISLAND

DEAR MISSES YOUR DAD: Your father's girlfriend may make him feel like he's 16 again, but that isn't an excuse for him to act like it.

You have communicated clearly to him that you need more of his attention than he's giving. The next person to deliver that message should be your mother. Perhaps he will pay more attention if he hears it from another adult.

In two years you will be 18 and gone. The time he has with you now is precious and he should recognize that fact and stop squandering it.

DEAR ABBY: My children are grown and gone. The youngest left more than four years ago. For the last several years I have asked them to remove their stored items from my house, which is still crammed with their stuff I'm not supposed to move.

I have finally scheduled a Dumpster for a two-week period convenient for me and let everyone know they need to "claim it or lose it." One daughter, "Lynette," has decided that because I won't change the dates to suit her schedule -- of which she isn't even sure -- she will consider me "dead" to her.

Obviously this has hurt me deeply. I realize that Lynette thinks the world revolves around her, but don't I have the right to clean out my home at my convenience? Do I owe her more notice, even though most of the items have been here eight to 10 years?

I thought being assertive prevented people from walking all over you. It pains me that my daughter will no longer speak to me. She has also taken steps to keep other family members away as well.

Her older sister says she is overreacting and will come to her senses, but I'm not sure. I'm divorced from her father, so there is little support there. Should I proceed with my plans? -- IN A MESS IN VERMONT

DEAR IN A MESS: Being assertive will prevent people from walking all over you only if you stick to your guns and don't give in to emotional blackmail. Lynette's reaction is calculated to hurt you.

In addition to showing some gratitude for your patience in keeping her old things for so long, she should make it her business to come over and collect those items that are still important to her. But if she chooses to sulk and not cooperate, do not allow her to force you into changing the schedule.