DEAR ABBY: A few weeks ago I had surgery, and they found cancer. I have put my affairs in order to ease the burden on my children.

I have written my will, made a list of those to be notified after my death, wrote my obituary and requested in which newspaper I would like it printed. I have also listed all my assets and where they are.

I have only one question: After my death I would like a former high school girlfriend notified, and I have written a letter to be given to her. She has been married to the same man for 40 years, and we have not been in contact.

I always had special feelings for her and would like to tell her so and thank her for the great times we had together. I would not want to create problems in her marriage, but would like to send her a letter of thanks and appreciation.

What do you think? Should I leave well enough alone, or let her know what a special person she was in my life? -- FINAL REQUEST IN SOUTH MILWAUKEE

DEAR FINAL REQUEST: I am sorry about your sad prognosis. I doubt that having the letter sent after your death would "cause problems" in that lady's marriage. And frankly, I'm sure it would be a gift to her that would make her smile for the rest of her life. You have my blessings to send it.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I are having a disagreement about flirting with other people. He thinks it's OK to "harmlessly flirt" as long as the person knows you are in a committed relationship. I think that flirting could lead to a misunderstanding that may cause problems in the relationship.

I trust my boyfriend, but I don't trust other women and never have. I asked him to stop doing it, and he has assured me it won't happen again.

Now I'm wondering if I overreacted. Do you think flirting is harmless, or do you see it as a potential problem for the relationship? -- LAURA IN ALABAMA

DEAR LAURA: It's a potential problem for the relationship if one of the parties is insecure and regards it as a threat. It's also a potential problem if the flirting persists in spite of the fact that your boyfriend knows it makes you insecure. Regardless of whether this romance leads to marriage, however, you really should try to understand why you have such negative feelings about other women because those feelings aren't healthy, and may not be justified.

DEAR ABBY: I loaned a treasured book to my close friend "Serena." When her younger sister moved out of state four months later, Serena told me the book had been accidentally packed up with the girl's things. She promised to buy me a new copy, but didn't.

It has now been three years, and my $20 book still has not been replaced. One day I noticed it on Serena's bookshelf. I don't want to demand she give it back for fear of seeming petty, but I really loved the book and want it back. How do I handle this? -- SERIOUS READER IN KANSAS

DEAR SERIOUS READER: The next time you are at Serena's, walk over to her bookshelf and exclaim, "Serena! I guess you were mistaken about my book being sent to your sister's because here it is!" Then take it off the shelf and take it with you. And in the future, write your name on the inside cover of your books before lending them to anyone.

DEAR ABBY: Our oldest son, "Jim," has a history of turning his back on people once he has used them, which has left us in financial ruin. Our most recent bailout went to our younger son, who went into business with Jim. To make a long story short, Jim was greedy and impatient and plundered the company funds, which left the business destroyed.

Jim and his wife have now disowned us and are holding our two granddaughters "hostage" as punishment because we told them what he did was wrong. My husband, who adopted both of my sons, is devastated because Jim has now contacted his biological father and no longer acknowledges the only father he has known.

I have been labeled the "horrible" woman who "hurt her son deeply" and whose granddaughters will be told "the truth" when they're old enough to decide if they want a relationship with me.

We are heartsick. How do we handle this, and what do we do regarding our granddaughters and our relationship with them? -- SAD DAY IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR SAD DAY: Handle it by reminding yourselves that you did the best job you could in raising both your sons, and that despite a parent's best efforts, not all children turn out the way their parents hope they will. Keep the lines of communication open for your granddaughters by sending them cards and/or gifts on special occasions to let them know you love and think about them.

You also go on with your lives and devote yourselves to each other and to the son who returns your affection, because to do anything else is a waste of time. What you DON'T do is continue dwelling on your heartache and disappointment and allow yourselves to be dragged down.

P.S. Do not write Jim and his wife off just yet, because bad pennies usually turn up.

DEAR ABBY: I work in the emergency department of a hospital. Based on our daily observations, my co-workers and I compiled a short list of commonsense guidelines to help the public understand how an emergency department really works.

1. An "emergency" is defined as a life-threatening injury or illness. The average wait in an ER waiting room is 4 1/2 hours. After checking in, you will be seen by a triage nurse to determine the seriousness of your illness or injury. Patients who are considered "critical" will be treated first.

2. Please do not come to the ER with your entire family unless they, too, are sick or injured. People with communicable diseases may be sitting in the lobby, so you could be putting your loved ones at risk.

3. Once inside the examination room, the patient's blood will be taken and tests may be done. Getting test results can take time, especially if the ER is busy -- and no, you cannot eat or drink until those test results are back.

4. The ER discharges patients 24 hours a day, so plan accordingly. The hospital is not responsible for paying for your ride home, and you cannot stay in the exam room waiting for a ride to come for you. We must use the room for the next patient.

5. Above all, remember that our staff is here to help you feel better, not to inconvenience you. You are the patient -- so please be patient. -- ER NURSE IN FLORIDA

DEAR ER NURSE: Your comments are certainly worth space in my column. With so many people out of work and uninsured, I am sure that hospital emergency departments have been swamped with more people seeking help than ever. They need to know what to expect, and your guidelines are helpful. Thank you for sharing them.

DEAR ABBY: My father was murdered. I am dealing with it the best I can. I appreciate that people want to extend their condolences, but I have started letting my phone go directly to voice mail because I just can't handle hearing, "You're in my prayers," or, "This is all part of some plan." I want to be left alone!

I am angry, Abby, and I don't want to take it out on people who care about me. One of my in-laws has been telling me I need to "suck it up" and allow others the privilege of trying to make me feel better. I think I have the right to grieve in the manner I choose. Who is correct? -- GRIEF-STRICKEN IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR GRIEF-STRICKEN: YOU are! Your in-law's comment was incredibly insensitive. Under the circumstances, your feelings are normal, part of the grieving process, and nobody has the right to tell you how to work through it.

DEAR ABBY: Over the past two years my daughter and son-in-law have lost a lot of weight. They, as well as my grandsons, eat very little and don't like being put in the position of having to order food.

My problem is not knowing how to celebrate without food. When I think of holidays, I think of a family meal. I'm usually imaginative, but this stumps me. Any ideas? -- STUMPED IN SACRAMENTO

DEAR STUMPED: You're not alone in associating food with socializing. Eating is so ingrained in our culture it seems to have become our national pastime. However, it doesn't have to be that way.

Rather than plan a meal, invite your daughter and her family to a movie, sporting event -- even a short hike, if you're up to it. And if you feel you must serve something, offer to bring along a healthy snack, such as fruit or veggies, that they can enjoy if they get the munchies.

DEAR ABBY: My husband is a wonderful man with many interests and activities. We have an active social life and friends of all ages. My problem is he constantly tells everyone about his ailments, medications and medical issues no matter how big or small.

I am uncomfortable with this topic because I don't feel these are things you bring up with people other than your family or your doctor -- and certainly not in casual conversations with anyone who will listen. Am I wrong? -- MARY IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR MARY: You are correct. For the most part, casual acquaintances are not interested in hearing an "organ recital" when they ask the casual, "How are you?" In fact, sooner or later they avoid people who constantly complain and talk only about themselves. The popular person is the one who shows an interest in others.

DEAR ABBY: I have always heard that if something seems to be too good to be true then it must be. Several of my relationships ended with very hurt feelings on both sides. In one case, I relocated to another state to escape the drama.

Now I finally seem to have found my dream girl. It has been more than a year now, and it still feels like it's the first time whenever we see each other. We have more in common than I ever thought possible. We rarely disagree -- except when we argue about who loves the other more.

Do you believe there is truth in that old adage, or could love this empowering and refreshing be for real? -- SMITTEN IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR SMITTEN: Most of the old adages have some truth to them, but people don't live their lives according to the old adages. And yes, love this empowering and refreshing could, indeed, be for real. So to quote another adage, "Only time will tell." Write me in another year and tell me how it's going.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)