DEAR ABBY: I just had to respond to "Daddy Who Cares" (June 2), whose wife is threatening to tell their teenaged daughter, "Gina," she was not wanted. For me a person's most defining trait is not gender, age or race. It's whether or not he or she was wanted. The other traits are things that nature or society put on you. Once you know you were not wanted by the people who put you here, it can easily define you, and it brings pain that will never go away.

It doesn't matter how much you achieve or how much your parents say they love you. A piece of your life just doesn't fit. Those of us who carry this knowledge understand the sadness very well. It is something that can't be taken back.

So please inform "Daddy Who Cares'" wife that what she felt so many years ago is nothing compared to the sadness that "Gina" will bear and examine throughout her life. There is no unhappiness more lasting than knowing you were not welcomed into this world. -- WOUNDED HEART IN NEW YORK

DEAR WOUNDED: Thank you for your heartfelt letter. Readers were extremely vocal on this subject and agree that telling "Gina" would be devastating and only cause her undeserved and unnecessary pain. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Kudos on your advice to "Daddy Who Cares." When I was a teenager I overheard my mother tell a friend of hers that I was an unplanned pregnancy. To the best of my knowledge, my parents never considered abortion, but nonetheless, it destroyed my self-esteem.

In the case of "Daddy," where abortion was considered and planned, I suspect the emotional damage would be far worse. It's a good thing "Daddy" has custody because the mother seems willing to disregard her child's welfare in order to get vengeance on her husband. You're right, Abby -- absolutely no good can come from the disclosure of that information. -- ONE WHO KNOWS IN CHICAGO

DEAR ABBY: I was a child who was both unplanned and unwanted. When I was 13, my mother, in a fit of anger, told me she wished she had the abortion she planned to have before I was born. It was then that I realized that the "gut" feeling I'd had all my life to that point and beyond was correct -- my mother never wanted me. Neither of my parents ever told me the whole truth nor did they ever say how glad they were not to have gone through with the plan.

I have always had difficulty trusting my parents, and I have always known I wasn't wanted. Years of therapy have healed the deep wounds. "Daddy" should tell his daughter the story and also tell her how much he loves her and wants her in his life, and that he is glad they never went through with the original plan. If he does, she will be able to trust him and know she was not a "mistake." -- DEEPLY WOUNDED IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR ABBY: Ever since I can remember, my mother has told me her "funny story" about how she was "horrified" when she learned she was pregnant with me and asked the doctor for an abortion. And as a result, I have struggled with low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness my entire life.

As an adult and mother, I can pinpoint this "amusing anecdote" as the root cause of many of these issues. I pray that the young girl in that letter never finds out that her parents considered abortion. No matter how many times her dad says he "thanks God everyday that she is here," the damage to her psyche will be forever. -- WISH I NEVER KNEW

DEAR ABBY: Two years ago my younger sister, "Cilla," generously set up college funds for my three children. Each of the accounts has more than $25,000. My husband and I were stunned, but Cilla insisted she is making good money in the film industry and wanted to do this for my family.

Three months ago, she came to visit, and through a bizarre turn of events, I discovered that she makes her living starring in adult films. Now that I know how Cilla earns her living, I am no longer comfortable accepting her gifts -- especially the college funds for the children.

This has caused problems between my husband and me. He thinks we should keep the money because we may not be able to afford three college tuitions on our own. Abby, I don't want my sister's sexual exploits paying for our kids' education.

Should we return the money? And if we do, is it possible to do it without causing a rift between my sister and me? -- G-RATED SISTER IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR SISTER: I doubt it. If you refuse her generosity, it will appear that you are rejecting her. Nor do I think your children should be penalized because you don't approve of Cilla's lifestyle. Your husband is being pragmatic; you are being emotional. That money has already been earned. You're not going to change your sister. You may not approve, but love her for the generous and caring aunt she is trying to be and let the money be used for something positive.

DEAR ABBY: My letter to you is the first time I have shared my problem with anyone. When I met and married my husband of 30 years, we each had been divorced for more than 10 years. He had adult children with families of their own; I had none.

For several years I acknowledged their special occasions with cards and small gifts, never receiving any notice or thank you unless I had my husband ask if they had been received. I finally stopped.

Although they always celebrate their father's special days, I have yet to be remembered on mine. They send any special news or pictures addressed only to my husband.

I recognize I cannot change the situation, but my question is how do I manage my growing resentment toward not only his family but my husband as well? As you can guess, we are elderly. I don't want to spend my last years feeling this bitterness. -- WANTS PEACE OF MIND

DEAR WANTS: Obviously your husband's children never really accepted you as part of their father's life -- and he didn't rock the boat. It's a shame that you waited 30 years to say what's on your mind. If you hadn't, your husband might have stood up and insisted that "the kids" show you some respect and courtesy.

Bitterness is a waste of time. If your marriage has been a happy one, dwell on that instead of nursing resentment.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have tried four times to have a baby. Because fertility medications cost around $5,000 here in Canada, we have depleted all of our savings and down payment for a home.

We are contemplating holding a fundraiser to offset the costs for a fifth try. Your thoughts, please. -- CONTEMPLATING IN CANADA

DEAR CONTEMPLATING: My heart goes out to you, but my gut reaction is negative. If you needed donations for treatment for a life-threatening condition, I might feel differently. I encourage you to explore other options available to you -- including adoption.

DEAR ABBY: "Ralph" and I have been married two years. Two nights ago we had an argument, and he got mad and left. He was gone three hours. When he returned he screamed at me for what seemed like an hour. Finally, he went to bed.

I looked through his phone and found several text messages to his ex-wife. One said he still loves her. So I went through his e-mail and found more correspondence. When I woke Ralph up and confronted him, the first thing out of his mouth was her name.

They have an 18-year-old daughter and have been divorced for 13 years. To top it off, she's married and pregnant.

Ralph swears he doesn't know why he was texting her, that he doesn't love her and that the e-mails were about a job.

Abby, I thought we had a happy marriage. I'm crushed, and my whole world is falling apart. My husband obviously has feelings for his first wife (I'm No. 3) and is thinking about her. He swears over and over that I'm the love of his life, and he will spend the rest of his life proving it to me. Is it time to throw in the towel? -- HEARTBROKEN IN MONTANA

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: If you hadn't already smelled a rat, you wouldn't have checked his cell phone history and computer. The text messages you discovered are explicit proof that your husband isn't being honest with you.

For many wives this would be the time to cut their losses. But if you love him and are willing to risk giving him one more chance, the two of you need to consult a licensed marriage and family therapist. You have little to lose by giving it a try, and it's possible that your husband really is contrite -- but keep your eyes wide open.

DEAR ABBY: I am a non-drinker. I don't like the taste of alcohol, and I prefer to remain sober.

Why is such a big deal made about alcohol and who's drinking? I attended a friend's birthday luncheon, and she apologized to the group for NOT drinking, saying she'd had enough partying the night before. Another time I went to a bar with a boyfriend to see a band perform. His friends -- all of them "buzzed," by the way -- asked me repeatedly why I wasn't drinking. This isn't the only time my choice to abstain has been questioned and scrutinized.

To me it makes no difference whether it's vodka or water in a glass. In a restaurant that served meat, you wouldn't question the food choices of a vegetarian, would you? Drinkers should mind their own (beverage) business. Their concern ought only to be whether I am social, not whether I'm imbibing or not. Thanks, Abby, for letting me vent. -- SOBER IN SCOTTSDALE

DEAR SOBER: When a non-drinker turns down alcohol, I suspect it makes the drinkers either curious or slightly uncomfortable because they imagine, in their "relaxed" state, that they are being examined -- and possibly judged -- by someone who is stone cold sober. As to the birthday girl who felt she had to offer an apology or explanation for not drinking, she may have done it out of concern that turning down the alcohol might make the guests feel less inclined to order it themselves.

Readers, there's usually a good reason why a person doesn't drink. It can range from being on a medication where it's contraindicated, a problem metabolizing it or an addiction. So don't question non-drinkers about their choice, and don't push the person to have "just one." You've heard of BYOB? Well, MYOB.